To all my white friends and acquaintances who think my intelligence, education, and personal ambition makes me easily relatable, more like you and what you can understand, and therefore assume we share the same "reasonable" opinion about this (Michael Brown) and other situations like this:
You expect me to respond in a way that validates your misguided perception that I somehow am different because I share your zip-code or sit next to you in class or am able to have a conversation with you that shows my cross-cultural interests; that I am an anomaly, the exception to the rule, the outlier- all because I am able to see and understand the world outside of myself. So let me tell you then, quite candidly just what I really see…
Many of you are blinded to the realities of the black community and choose either to stand idle with ducked heads and forlorn stricken faces or just flat our deny the existence of our issues and needs having declared them un-founded. Few actually attempt to delve in and understand not only the struggles we face, but the roots behind them. I hold you equally accountable for the rehabilitation and restructuring of our society as a whole. The slavery of African Americans and the slave mentality was deliberately and strategically constructed by your ancestors. So the thought that any suggestions or implementations of reform would be successful without your acknowledgement and efforts is laughable! But your ignorance is no longer excused. It is through unfortunate events such as these that I become more aware of and disheartened by the deficit of the education, responsibility, and empathy from the white community concerning the affairs of the black community. You stand on your pedestals in the safety of your homes and point fingers, judge, and make assumptions based off of little to no facts. You raise your apathetic, compassionless children to perpetuate stereotypes while they themselves bear witness to the differences society places on white children vs. black and instead of encouraging them to embrace the spirit of competition and use it to better themselves, they take after the inferiorties of their parents and grow to hate what they do not understand. Do you realize that the slavery of African Americans unlike any other forms of slavery, was specifically tailored to demolish the whole person and dominate an entire race of peoples? Our ancestors were not just forced laborers who were beaten and kidnapped from their homes. Wille Lynch and men like him wanted to ensure the lasting success of slavery and the slave mentality and they were vehement about the construction and implementation of their system. How much more then should you be for the cause of its ruin? The Willie Lynch Letter is specific and unapologetic in its approach regarding:
"The origin & Development of a Social Being Called 'the Negro"
"First of all, we need a black nigger man, a pregnant nigger woman and her baby nigger boy. Second, we will use the same basic principle that we use in breaking a horse, combined with some more sustaining factors. What we do with horses is that we break them from one form of life to another"… "we reduce them from their natural state in nature. Whereas nature provides them with the natural capacity to take care of their offspring, we break the natural string of independence from them and thereby create a dependency status, so that we may be able to get from them, the useful production for our business and pleasure.
"Cardinal Principles for Making a Negro"
"…so that to avoid turmoil in the economy, it requires us to have breadth and depth in long range comprehensive planning, articulating both skill sharp perceptions…"
"Hence both the horse and the nigger must be broken… Keep the body, take the mind! In other words, break the will to resist…"
"A brief discourse in offspring development will shed light on the key to sound economic principals. Pay little attention to the generation of original breaking, but concentrate on future generation. Therefore, if you break the female mother, she will break the offspring in its early years of development, and when the offspring is old enough to work, she will deliver it up to you, for her normal female protective tendencies will have been lost in the original breaking process…"
"...When it comes to breaking the uncivilized nigger, use the same process, but vary the degree and step up the pressure, so as to do a complete reversal of the mind. Take the meanest and most restless nigger, strip him of his clothes in front of the remaining male niggers, the female, and the nigger infant, tar and feather him, tie each leg to a different horse faced in opposite directions, set him afire and beat both horses to pull him apart in front of the remaining niggers…"
"The Breaking Process of the African Woman"
"Test her in every way, because she is the most important factor for good economics… take care not to kill her, for in doing so, you spoil good economics…
"We have reversed the relationship, in her natural uncivilized state, she would have a strong dependency on the uncivilized nigger male, and she would have a limited protective tendency toward her independent male offspring and would raise male offsprings to be dependent like her… By her being left alone, unprotected, with the male image destroyed, the ordeal caused her to move from her psychologically dependent state to a frozen, independent state… she will raise her male and female offspring in reversed roles. For fear of the young male's life, she will psychologically train him to be mentally weak and dependent, but physically strong. Because she has become psychologically independent, she will train her female offspring to be psychologically independent. What have you got? You've got the nigger woman out front and the man behind scared… Now we can sleep soundly, for out of fear his woman stands guard for us.
"...we have created and orbiting cycle that turns on its own axis forever, unless a phenomenon occurs and re-shifts the position of the male and female slaves…"
"Negro Marriage"
"…then take the nigger male away from them and keep them moving and working…"
"Warning:"
"…we talked about the non-economic good of the horse and the nigger in their wild or natural state…we talked about paying particular attention to the female savage and her offspring for orderly future planning…by reversing the positions of the male and female savages, we created an orbiting cycle that turns on its own axis forever unless a phenomenon occurred and re-shifts positions of the male and female savages. Our experts warned us about the possibility of this phenomenon occurring, for they say that the mind has a strong drive to correct and re-correct itself over a period of time if it can touch some substantial original historical base… they advised us that the best way to deal with the phenomenon is the shave off the brute's mental history and create a multiplicity of phenomena of illusions… each illusion will twirl on its own orbit… similar to floating balls in a vacuum…"
How can you not see the parallels in the modern day black communities and its roots strategically planned out in this letter, and not feel empathy, shame, and anger? Not because we are black, but because we are human. I am a person first, and I should not have to prove my value, intelligence, or right to life in light of my color. When will the burden of slavery be shared among both communities? The education of its origin and history thoroughly exposed and acknowledged? Black history is American history and we have to graduate from the brief focus on African American contributions and positive influences alone and come to terms with it all, the iniquitous included. We learn in depth about many other cultures in school from the irrigation systems of the mesopotamians and the architecture of the aztecs and that is all well and good; but tell me, when was the last time you ran across an Incan, or had coffee with a Mayan? We are failing. This system, was created to last indefinitely, but it is not indestructible. You cannot read this and not hear the deliberation and philosophy in their methods, and not realize that it requires more than just an evaluation of symptoms and the politically correct but nonetheless inadequate band-aids now in place. And they knew that. As long your heads remain buried in the sandlots, shoulders remain shrugged, and heads remain shaking then your mouth should remain closed. If you do not contribute to the solution you are contributing to the problem and your opinion, in my opinion is insignificant. In case you need a better picture of the lasting incapacitating consequences of white american ancestral mistakes, here is one befitting this holiday season: Thanksgiving. The first Thanksgiving, as we learn about, is proudly boasted to display the spirit of thanks and gratitude and how english settlers came to make peace with and learn from Native Americans. The Native Americans taught them how to harvest and traded their weaponry and provided invaluable insight on the land of which was eventually taken from them. After getting what use they could out of them the English took to "Indian Removal" and slaughtering of their villages. Nearly the entire population of Cherokee's was diminished during the Trail of Tears; a genocide of Native Americans, all for the expansion and advancement of the english, the very land we walk upon now. This country was built by and sustained by the blood, sweat, tears, bones, and bodies of the oppressed. We aren't asking you to apologize. We are outraged and angry at the lack of acknowledgment of these facts and the audacity to deny us our right to grieve. How can you not see the injustice? More importantly, how can you not see the opportunity?
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Mirror Mirror
"Magic Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"
I used to think it would be pretty neat to have a magical mirror to talk to me, and to tell me that I was indeed the fairest of all; the prettiest, smartest, kindest, the best! I didn't really start to struggle with my self image until I was older. In fact if you were to ask any of my family members, growing up I was constantly in the mirror. I probably heard the phrase, "get out the mirror" no less than five or ten times on any given day. I had no reason to feel shame or self conscious. You could say that at the time I was pretty much only self-aware. The qualities and attributes of others didn't register to me, so I never had to feel inferior. All I saw was myself just as I was not, in light of any one else. I wish I could say that it has remained true into my adult life but it hasn't. Like so many others I fall into the vicious habit of comparison. She has better hair, she's smaller, more athletic, she seems more established, more confident, has more friends, seems more happy, struggles less, prays more the list doesn't end… The mirror was no longer a place I could spend hours playing and imagining and acknowledging myself. Instead of admiration and accolades it reflects insecurities and amplifies criticism. I am constantly aware of my shortcomings. Comparing myself to people who look to have it all together as a blueprint of some sort, as if they are the "standard" of a good christian, a great wife, a perfect woman. I couldn't feel comfortable in my own skin. I looked for acceptance and approval, something to say "you are enough". At some point, I became more and more preoccupied with how other people saw me instead of how I saw myself. To them, am I above average? Do I meet their expectations? Do they take me seriously, value and respect me? Do they like me? Appreciate my time and work? Do they view me as equal? And if so, then what? What was I looking for? What was I expecting? The approval felt good only for so long. Until... I could never find security in myself because the closer it seemed I got, there was always someone else the raise the "standard". And so it went for weeks, months, and then years. In one variation or another I could always find someway to feel dissatisfied within, in light of someone else. If you had asked me, I would say I had a healthy dose of self esteem -after all I didn't hate myself. But overtime I no longer found any opportunities to accept myself. Eventually, I got tired of feeling so dissatisfied and feeling inferior to other people and I didn't want to resort to finding negative things to make me think better of me. I felt I should be able to appreciate the good in others without it taking away what I have to offer. I no longer wanted to depend on the approval of others to give me security and value. I wanted to be able to look at myself in the mirror and like what I see, not because someone else does but because I genuinely see someone beautiful. More than just what I wear or what I do, but who I am inside and out. Am I approachable? Am I honest? Kind? Do I keep my word? Would I offer the shirt off my back to someone who needed it? The fact that I couldn't answer yes to all of those questions and knowing my primary focus for so long wasn't where it should have been I started to pray. I acknowledged my mistake and was honest about my struggle, but I didn't know where to go from there. So I continued to pray and be transparent with God about where I was and where I wanted to be, and I trusted him to guide me from there. Today I came across this scripture, (1 Peter 2:4; 9-10) "Coming to Him, a living stone rejected by men but chosen and valuable to God - you yourselves, as living stones, are being built into a spiritual house for a holy priesthood to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ… But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his possession so that you may proclaim the praises of the One who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light". The first thing that says to me is a reminder that I am here not as a representative of myself but to Christ. Everything I am- should be, for His glory. I cannot seek to both honor God and me. Not to say that I should not have confidence and feel valued but, I felt convicted in putting everyone else's opinions and approval over my creators. And I felt equally guilty for expecting to find peace in it. My priorities and focus needed to be shifted away from worldly standards and even my own back to Jesus. He is the only standard and I am equipped with the best blueprint in His word. The second thing this scripture says to me is, "I know EXACTLY who you are." Pretty much the entirety of my day was spent wrapping my head around the fact that He knows me. And this isn't a new concept to me, I have heard it numerous times but today I really understood. He knows me. He knows my shortcomings and my fears and my sin and all my ugliness and my heart and its desires and he finds me worthy. And not only am I worthy, and enough- he chose me; he wants me. "Rejected by man, but chosen by God"; why would I want acceptance from man when I am known and loved by God? Read this as a lesson in progress. I am not there yet. Maybe its a continual thing, understanding and accepting my place in Christ. I know I don't want to wait until my life is halfway over to realize I am worthy or to only find my value in my accomplishments, economical status or number or people surrounding me singing my praises. In fact it is the opposite I have in store living a christian life, (21-25) "This is the kind of life you've been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered everything that came his way so you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it. He never did anything wrong… He suffered in silence… He used his servant body to carry our sins to the Cross so we could we be rid of sin, free to live the right way… You were lost sheep with no idea who you were or where you where going. Now you're named and kept for good by the Shepard of your souls." Instead of looking for peace in fitting the standards of others I can find peace without it. I may struggle still from time to time, but find hope in knowing that the Shepard of my soul knows my name.
I used to think it would be pretty neat to have a magical mirror to talk to me, and to tell me that I was indeed the fairest of all; the prettiest, smartest, kindest, the best! I didn't really start to struggle with my self image until I was older. In fact if you were to ask any of my family members, growing up I was constantly in the mirror. I probably heard the phrase, "get out the mirror" no less than five or ten times on any given day. I had no reason to feel shame or self conscious. You could say that at the time I was pretty much only self-aware. The qualities and attributes of others didn't register to me, so I never had to feel inferior. All I saw was myself just as I was not, in light of any one else. I wish I could say that it has remained true into my adult life but it hasn't. Like so many others I fall into the vicious habit of comparison. She has better hair, she's smaller, more athletic, she seems more established, more confident, has more friends, seems more happy, struggles less, prays more the list doesn't end… The mirror was no longer a place I could spend hours playing and imagining and acknowledging myself. Instead of admiration and accolades it reflects insecurities and amplifies criticism. I am constantly aware of my shortcomings. Comparing myself to people who look to have it all together as a blueprint of some sort, as if they are the "standard" of a good christian, a great wife, a perfect woman. I couldn't feel comfortable in my own skin. I looked for acceptance and approval, something to say "you are enough". At some point, I became more and more preoccupied with how other people saw me instead of how I saw myself. To them, am I above average? Do I meet their expectations? Do they take me seriously, value and respect me? Do they like me? Appreciate my time and work? Do they view me as equal? And if so, then what? What was I looking for? What was I expecting? The approval felt good only for so long. Until... I could never find security in myself because the closer it seemed I got, there was always someone else the raise the "standard". And so it went for weeks, months, and then years. In one variation or another I could always find someway to feel dissatisfied within, in light of someone else. If you had asked me, I would say I had a healthy dose of self esteem -after all I didn't hate myself. But overtime I no longer found any opportunities to accept myself. Eventually, I got tired of feeling so dissatisfied and feeling inferior to other people and I didn't want to resort to finding negative things to make me think better of me. I felt I should be able to appreciate the good in others without it taking away what I have to offer. I no longer wanted to depend on the approval of others to give me security and value. I wanted to be able to look at myself in the mirror and like what I see, not because someone else does but because I genuinely see someone beautiful. More than just what I wear or what I do, but who I am inside and out. Am I approachable? Am I honest? Kind? Do I keep my word? Would I offer the shirt off my back to someone who needed it? The fact that I couldn't answer yes to all of those questions and knowing my primary focus for so long wasn't where it should have been I started to pray. I acknowledged my mistake and was honest about my struggle, but I didn't know where to go from there. So I continued to pray and be transparent with God about where I was and where I wanted to be, and I trusted him to guide me from there. Today I came across this scripture, (1 Peter 2:4; 9-10) "Coming to Him, a living stone rejected by men but chosen and valuable to God - you yourselves, as living stones, are being built into a spiritual house for a holy priesthood to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ… But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his possession so that you may proclaim the praises of the One who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light". The first thing that says to me is a reminder that I am here not as a representative of myself but to Christ. Everything I am- should be, for His glory. I cannot seek to both honor God and me. Not to say that I should not have confidence and feel valued but, I felt convicted in putting everyone else's opinions and approval over my creators. And I felt equally guilty for expecting to find peace in it. My priorities and focus needed to be shifted away from worldly standards and even my own back to Jesus. He is the only standard and I am equipped with the best blueprint in His word. The second thing this scripture says to me is, "I know EXACTLY who you are." Pretty much the entirety of my day was spent wrapping my head around the fact that He knows me. And this isn't a new concept to me, I have heard it numerous times but today I really understood. He knows me. He knows my shortcomings and my fears and my sin and all my ugliness and my heart and its desires and he finds me worthy. And not only am I worthy, and enough- he chose me; he wants me. "Rejected by man, but chosen by God"; why would I want acceptance from man when I am known and loved by God? Read this as a lesson in progress. I am not there yet. Maybe its a continual thing, understanding and accepting my place in Christ. I know I don't want to wait until my life is halfway over to realize I am worthy or to only find my value in my accomplishments, economical status or number or people surrounding me singing my praises. In fact it is the opposite I have in store living a christian life, (21-25) "This is the kind of life you've been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered everything that came his way so you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it. He never did anything wrong… He suffered in silence… He used his servant body to carry our sins to the Cross so we could we be rid of sin, free to live the right way… You were lost sheep with no idea who you were or where you where going. Now you're named and kept for good by the Shepard of your souls." Instead of looking for peace in fitting the standards of others I can find peace without it. I may struggle still from time to time, but find hope in knowing that the Shepard of my soul knows my name.
Friday, July 18, 2014
Time Out
Growing up in a house of only women, the phrase "me time" was often enough used or illustrated in one way or another. Even before I knew the meaning of the concept, I was aware of the need to just take time out for myself. Whether it was getting lost in a book or an afternoon nap, I came to appreciate and enjoy the time I spent on my own. My mother's favorite way to take time for herself would be to take long hot baths after my sister and I had gone to bed. She would sit and relax for hours in steaming waters by candlelight and listen to music or a sermon series and just unwind. No matter the activity, there is something healing and essential in taking time out for yourself to nourish, replenish, improve, and relax.
I went a long while without these time outs and I started to suffer the effects way before I even realized it. I got caught up with work and worry and consumed with what was to come and needed to be done. I rarely took the time to replenish and acknowledge myself. I had in my mind who I wanted to be and what I wanted to accomplish but it was all future tense; "someday I'll be that girl". I didn't know that in continually failing to stop and make myself a priority I was diminishing my confidence, self esteem and warping my self image. I was either looking ahead or behind at what I was or wanted to be but never once appreciating the now. It wasn't until recently, not even 24 hours ago, that I had come to understand the importance for taking time for myself.
I started doing yoga off and on about at year ago and within the past few months I had decided it was something I actually wanted to work on and and become skilled in. I came to understand the benefits both physically and mentally and outside of work I was looking for something else to be dedicated to. For the first time in a long time I had a goal. Even still, with my work schedule my yoga practice was still sporadic. I would make a class maybe once every two weeks but when I went I enjoyed it. I knew that I had a ways to go as far as building strength and balance and every class felt like the first where I wasn't sure of myself and doubted my abilities and progress. Nonetheless I kept at it, one day I would get there. Last night, I challenged myself to try something different. I had been hearing of these hot yoga classes and how good they were for you to flush out toxins and deepen your stretches and add an extra challenge to your practice and I had been meaning to try it. I found a place near my house offering a class after work and I decided to go. I almost chickened out after a few failed attempts at trying to get someone to tag along- but on I went, nerves and all. I was greeted by a really nice lady who went over what to sort of expect from the class, got a quick tour and was told above all to "keep and open mind". I went into the darkened studio, and found a spot near what I thought was the back of the room, to keep from being a distraction in case I sucked. The class started and during the first few minutes I was intensely aware of myself and the overwhelming thought that others were as well. We were facing a mirrored wall and I kept looking around me, thinking everyone else was looking at me.
The instructor guided us through our warm up using poses and commands I had heard before, "honor your body", "relax your mind", "breathe", "respect your practice", "take what you need". I had never really succeeded in doing those things, always being concerned with how I looked and if I was performing the right way compared to someone else, totally missing the point of the exercise. I was uncomfortable and moved with caution and unease. "Use the mirror to focus yourself, this is your practice". I wanted to be good at this; I knew I could be. I decided to make the most of my time there and to be present in that moment. I focused my breathing and blocked out everything else. I took my eyes off of the people beside me and stared straight ahead into the dark brown eyes in front of me. I followed the instructors directions into the next flow of poses as I watched, and I forgot to be afraid. I was mesmerized by her. She had more strength and confidence than I had realized and she smiled at my acknowledgement. I had literally found myself during this experience and with a newfound respect at that. This person staring back at me, in all her beauty and strength and sureness was not at all the person whom I had known before, who I had been thinking I was all this time working towards the strength she already seemed to possess. I became aware of the qualities I had been striving for having already been developed in her but just overlooked. The areas where I doubted and limited and held myself back, she seemed to be eager and open and competent. Where I had been neglectful and critical of her she had been waiting on her time to be noticed and to flourish. She was just as admirable as any other if not more, that I had been looking to as a guide to how and I wanted to be. I found that she is fully capable of withstanding the challenges before her if given the opportunity. I came to know myself, not in light of how other people saw me or how I wanted to be seen but who I actually am. In taking time out for me, I was able to see where I have grown and changed and where I can improve. I have a new respect for myself and I am grateful to have had the experiences in which I have come to be.
I went a long while without these time outs and I started to suffer the effects way before I even realized it. I got caught up with work and worry and consumed with what was to come and needed to be done. I rarely took the time to replenish and acknowledge myself. I had in my mind who I wanted to be and what I wanted to accomplish but it was all future tense; "someday I'll be that girl". I didn't know that in continually failing to stop and make myself a priority I was diminishing my confidence, self esteem and warping my self image. I was either looking ahead or behind at what I was or wanted to be but never once appreciating the now. It wasn't until recently, not even 24 hours ago, that I had come to understand the importance for taking time for myself.
I started doing yoga off and on about at year ago and within the past few months I had decided it was something I actually wanted to work on and and become skilled in. I came to understand the benefits both physically and mentally and outside of work I was looking for something else to be dedicated to. For the first time in a long time I had a goal. Even still, with my work schedule my yoga practice was still sporadic. I would make a class maybe once every two weeks but when I went I enjoyed it. I knew that I had a ways to go as far as building strength and balance and every class felt like the first where I wasn't sure of myself and doubted my abilities and progress. Nonetheless I kept at it, one day I would get there. Last night, I challenged myself to try something different. I had been hearing of these hot yoga classes and how good they were for you to flush out toxins and deepen your stretches and add an extra challenge to your practice and I had been meaning to try it. I found a place near my house offering a class after work and I decided to go. I almost chickened out after a few failed attempts at trying to get someone to tag along- but on I went, nerves and all. I was greeted by a really nice lady who went over what to sort of expect from the class, got a quick tour and was told above all to "keep and open mind". I went into the darkened studio, and found a spot near what I thought was the back of the room, to keep from being a distraction in case I sucked. The class started and during the first few minutes I was intensely aware of myself and the overwhelming thought that others were as well. We were facing a mirrored wall and I kept looking around me, thinking everyone else was looking at me.
The instructor guided us through our warm up using poses and commands I had heard before, "honor your body", "relax your mind", "breathe", "respect your practice", "take what you need". I had never really succeeded in doing those things, always being concerned with how I looked and if I was performing the right way compared to someone else, totally missing the point of the exercise. I was uncomfortable and moved with caution and unease. "Use the mirror to focus yourself, this is your practice". I wanted to be good at this; I knew I could be. I decided to make the most of my time there and to be present in that moment. I focused my breathing and blocked out everything else. I took my eyes off of the people beside me and stared straight ahead into the dark brown eyes in front of me. I followed the instructors directions into the next flow of poses as I watched, and I forgot to be afraid. I was mesmerized by her. She had more strength and confidence than I had realized and she smiled at my acknowledgement. I had literally found myself during this experience and with a newfound respect at that. This person staring back at me, in all her beauty and strength and sureness was not at all the person whom I had known before, who I had been thinking I was all this time working towards the strength she already seemed to possess. I became aware of the qualities I had been striving for having already been developed in her but just overlooked. The areas where I doubted and limited and held myself back, she seemed to be eager and open and competent. Where I had been neglectful and critical of her she had been waiting on her time to be noticed and to flourish. She was just as admirable as any other if not more, that I had been looking to as a guide to how and I wanted to be. I found that she is fully capable of withstanding the challenges before her if given the opportunity. I came to know myself, not in light of how other people saw me or how I wanted to be seen but who I actually am. In taking time out for me, I was able to see where I have grown and changed and where I can improve. I have a new respect for myself and I am grateful to have had the experiences in which I have come to be.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
The Golden Rule
"Do to others as you would want them to do to you", we are all taught this classic proverb as children as a basic how-to on how to treat others. We try to avoid children from saying things or behaving in manners that are un-kind or selfish by challenging them to think about how they would feel if the same action was done to them and it works; most of the time. Until you reach the age where you find that life isn't a fair give-and-take system and you don't always get back what you dish out whether good or bad. And sometimes, what you want or how you are seems more important than the consequences, especially when not on the receiving end. My mother would often tell me when I was younger that to have a friend, you must first show yourself friendly. Seemed simple enough. If you want to have friends and be invited to parties and sleepovers and have BFF's, you had to show that you were kind and interested and then people would be your friend. What she didn't say, was that sometimes that's not enough. That some people just aren't meant to be your friend and that in some instances, you are better off.
I think society has done a pretty sucky job in terms of painting a picture of female relationships. Solely based off of what is portrayed to us off of television shows and movies we are taught to think that we are going to have 3-5 BEST friends throughout our lives for us to cry over crushes with, share a great pair of jeans that miraculously fit us all, travel across the country with while discovering ourselves, keep in touch with through college, double date, attend each others weddings, fly across the country to vacation together, have our kids be best friends, have weekly lunch dates and frequent dinner parties and grow old together like the golden girls.
I have to say that I have been pretty let down in my adult life in terms of friendships. I don't know if its due to too high of expectations or just the wrong people or maybe a little of both. But I have been more unsuccessful than not, to have found a friend - ONE single friend that I can be myself with, have intellectual conversations, enjoy spending time together, and mutually support each other consistently. I have come to believe that maybe its just the circle of life. That you meet a person for a time period and have short-lived relationship that slowly tapers off until it is no longer. Wash, rinse, repeat. But somehow I just can't swallow that. Call it the optimist in me that thinks that it is yet possible in the 21st century to have meaningful and long-lasting friendships. But somehow I find myself in the same situation more over where I have a friend that I think values me and our relationship as much as I do, only to be left feeling like it was not the case. I found myself being the only one who seemed to think of them and call "just to say hey!" or was always asking them to try a new activity or being the sole person actively keeping the friendship alive. If I didn't call, we wouldn't talk and after a while I take the hint because after all, if someone was important enough you would respond in kind. Now, I know that people get busy and things happen and people change and thats all fine and acceptable and I am not saying that friends should talk everyday and keep every lunch date and know everything about each other. But what I am saying, is that it is a two way street which mean both people should be equally active and invested to make it meaningful. You should at the very least, feel like this person values the essence of your being whether in its absence or presence; that you are missed and thought of and important! I never call it a loss until I can clearly determine that this person just doesn't value my friendship for whatever reason, and I choose to no longer hold them accountable for it. Nonetheless it hurts. Its rejection and it sucks. I have yet to find in my 22 years a cure-all for feeling tossed aside, but when I do you'll be the first to know. When I see someone who I consider a friend actively participating in friendships with others when they failed to do so with me, it makes me wonder what was wrong with me? Was I boring? Annoying? What is it? Because I am doing to others what I would like in return but the golden rule just isn't enough. Even still, it has yet to stop me from being open to others and making new friends because you never know what will come of it. So I keep my smile on, arms open and hopes high. It may be more of the same, or it could very well be the start of a really great relationship.
I think society has done a pretty sucky job in terms of painting a picture of female relationships. Solely based off of what is portrayed to us off of television shows and movies we are taught to think that we are going to have 3-5 BEST friends throughout our lives for us to cry over crushes with, share a great pair of jeans that miraculously fit us all, travel across the country with while discovering ourselves, keep in touch with through college, double date, attend each others weddings, fly across the country to vacation together, have our kids be best friends, have weekly lunch dates and frequent dinner parties and grow old together like the golden girls.
I have to say that I have been pretty let down in my adult life in terms of friendships. I don't know if its due to too high of expectations or just the wrong people or maybe a little of both. But I have been more unsuccessful than not, to have found a friend - ONE single friend that I can be myself with, have intellectual conversations, enjoy spending time together, and mutually support each other consistently. I have come to believe that maybe its just the circle of life. That you meet a person for a time period and have short-lived relationship that slowly tapers off until it is no longer. Wash, rinse, repeat. But somehow I just can't swallow that. Call it the optimist in me that thinks that it is yet possible in the 21st century to have meaningful and long-lasting friendships. But somehow I find myself in the same situation more over where I have a friend that I think values me and our relationship as much as I do, only to be left feeling like it was not the case. I found myself being the only one who seemed to think of them and call "just to say hey!" or was always asking them to try a new activity or being the sole person actively keeping the friendship alive. If I didn't call, we wouldn't talk and after a while I take the hint because after all, if someone was important enough you would respond in kind. Now, I know that people get busy and things happen and people change and thats all fine and acceptable and I am not saying that friends should talk everyday and keep every lunch date and know everything about each other. But what I am saying, is that it is a two way street which mean both people should be equally active and invested to make it meaningful. You should at the very least, feel like this person values the essence of your being whether in its absence or presence; that you are missed and thought of and important! I never call it a loss until I can clearly determine that this person just doesn't value my friendship for whatever reason, and I choose to no longer hold them accountable for it. Nonetheless it hurts. Its rejection and it sucks. I have yet to find in my 22 years a cure-all for feeling tossed aside, but when I do you'll be the first to know. When I see someone who I consider a friend actively participating in friendships with others when they failed to do so with me, it makes me wonder what was wrong with me? Was I boring? Annoying? What is it? Because I am doing to others what I would like in return but the golden rule just isn't enough. Even still, it has yet to stop me from being open to others and making new friends because you never know what will come of it. So I keep my smile on, arms open and hopes high. It may be more of the same, or it could very well be the start of a really great relationship.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
A Beautiful Mind
Working in a hospital affords me a lot of opportunities to meet people from all walks of life, which is one of the aspects I enjoy most about it. There is something about seeing a mother stare into her newborn baby's eyes or watching a person regain strength after an accident over their hospital stay that provides me with such gratitude and joy to witness. I have experienced many tragedies as well unfortunately as I have watch a patient battling cancer fight to live or comforted the family of a person presumed to be healthy have an unexpected illness and end up on life support. I am quite fond of the elderly and what's most devastating to me are those who develop dementia. Of all the organs of our bodies to disintegrate our minds is one of the worst. It cannot be replaced. It holds the very essence of who we are, our personalities, memories, dispositions and intelligence. More often that not I hear family say of a loved one with dementia that the current behavior they display is unlike normal. A person who was throughout their life kind, gentle, and soft spoken can turn foul-mouthed, combative, and stubborn. Likewise with the opposite. They may forget things that happened in the past commonly deaths of family or friends. Its not uncommon for them to ask for siblings or parents that have long passed away and it is heart crushing when they are informed to watch them come to that realization, especially a spouse. A few times I have had patients talk of their deceased spouse with regret and longing wishing they were more loving and forgiving. I always take a moment to reflect on my life and to be thankful for my husband and family and I try as I live to not take as much for granted. When I sit with elderly patients I watch their mannerisms and ask questions and get to know them. Many of them have such fascinating stories to tell of their lives and I often ask if they remember what they were doing at my age. I ask how they met their spouses and what they did for a living. If they have lived any place outside of Saint Louis. I can see in the passing on of their stories that those pieces of them live on even after they do. I keep them with me as well as their families. Most of them don't see themselves as whatever age they are, as if old age just snuck up on them. I think of my life and how sometimes it seems I have so much left ahead of me, and then others I am aware of just how short a time it really is. Who will remember me one hundred years after my death? I think of how many generations back I can remember my ancestors and recall facets of their life and its saddening to think that after two or three I may be forgotten; that all the things I am working towards and living through and experiencing will amount to little. Who will remember my name? My love story? My life? Solomon said in Ecclesiastes 1:11 "…nobody remembers what happened yesterday. And the things that will happen tomorrow? Nobody'll remember them either. Dont count on being remembered". It is a sad truth, to think that you may possibly lose yourself at the end of your life, after all you have done and had and that regardless if you remember, no one else will in time after. Except the things which we do for Christ it is all fleeting. Even in all of this, life itself is still such a gift. Whether we are given a bad lot or a more fortunate one, it is a blessing. I am sure those who lose their minds, literally, in the end of life would still chose to live as though it was worth remembering, I would. Chapter 3 verse 13, "I have decided that there's nothing better to do than go ahead and get the most we can out of life. That's it- eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It's God's gift". So we won't be remembered. So our lives may not amount to everything we would like it to. What I take from this and from each person I cross paths with at work, is the most I can achieve, is to honor the now. To use my time and my abilities to serve and engage them, being aware of this other person, this other life and mind and to be present. When I make that connection with another person I become less aware of myself and my world and my circumstances and I am able to see differently if only for a moment. Looking outside myself makes me appreciate what I have and where I am and it challenges me in my work to offer more from myself. The fact the God is mindful of me and of each of us and that he keeps an account of our lives in perfect detail is encouraging and overwhelming- at least for me. Not only does he know, but he cares. He has the most beautiful mind. He gives us our life's tasks and finds joy in our acts of worship. It is because of him that I am significant.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Love & Happiness
In seven days, I will have been married for 4 years and starting my fifth. This upcoming September will mark the eighth year that my husband and I have been dating. Personally I still consider my September anniversary to be my "real" anniversary, though we weren't married yet because we were still committed to one another, and because it was the things we learned and endured during those first four years that built the foundation of our relationship. I can say that the first year of marriage was harder than those following, but I am more in love with him now than I ever was. I find myself with a new and greater appreciation for him and all he means to me. We haven't arrived yet, but I can honestly say that I am happy for where I am, and look forward to the future. We have learned so much about ourselves and each other and am a glad to know that he and I both still have the other's happiness as a priority and seek to love and serve one another wholeheartedly. I can see his efforts to love me how I need to be loved, and to listen to me and compromise when necessary. Nothing is ever perfect, and it is evident that the progress we have made this far took work, intentional work on both our parts. I have really had to submit myself to God and the source of many of the insecurities I had was revealed. I had my faith in a self-created ideal of what marriage should be and who I wanted my husband to be. I placed him in the position only a savior could fulfill and when he fell short I lost security, faith and trust in him that I never should have held him to in the first place. I used God as a last resort, coming to him in prayer only when I wanted to vent about my husbands shortcomings and to self-righteously boast on my self, instead of being supportive of him and praying for him to be lead by God according to his plan and not my own. I held myself to a superficial and task oriented standard of what it means to be a good wife instead of looking at scripture and the needs of my husband as to how I should hold accountable. I thought if I cooked a certain number of meals and kept the house clean and remained faithful then I was fulfilling the role as a Godly wife and was deeply hurt and offended when my husband found me lacking. Instead of being a friend and listening eagerly to the needs of his heart I condemned him, belittled him, and emotionally derailed him with my feelings and frustrations. I discouraged him from being open and honest with me about his needs and feelings and made him feel as if he had to settle for whatever behavior I saw fit. We got along fine until he told me I was wrong or that some needs we being unmet. I treated him as if he was unworthy of the effort to please him and love him the way he needed. In time such a wedge had been driven between us that it seemed hopeless at times if we would ever have the loving relationship I had hoped for. We both wanted the same things, a loving and transparent friendship, mutual respect and trust and we wanted it with each other. We just didn't know how to get there. It also didn't help that we lacked an adequate support system of family, friends, and a church community. Neither of us grew seeing what a healthy christian marriage looked like so we had our own expectations and misconceptions of what is should be. In all of this I can say that God has been faithful to us. Looking back, I can see his providence working in and guiding our life even when it seemed He wasn't near. He has worked on our hearts individually and collectively and drawn us closer together. The friendship and closeness we so desperately wanted began to form once we were shown our own selves and were able to be honest with God and each other about our sins and struggles; me with self-righteousness and he with forgiveness and trust. We stopped looking at each other as an enemy to compete with keeping score and holding walls up against the other. Our hearts were softened towards each other and we felt a love for each other deeper than we had known until then. I have a better understanding of what it means to love someone and the power of grace in marriage. I feel freedom and hope in my charge of submission to my husband instead of a weight of fear and insecurity. I recognize the need to support and pray for his strength regularly instead of as a last resort when things get bumpy. I can feel the genuine love of my husband deepening and strengthening for me as he no longer feels put down and discouraged by my actions. My opening up and acceptance of his love causes him to flourish when I reciprocate it back to him. We are still a work in progress and have much to learn but I have faith in us and am excited for the years to come.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
One Hundred and Ten Things I Love
Jesus. My husband. Summer. Afternoon naps. Smoked Gouda cheese. Thrift shopping. Reading. Cuddling. The sound of rain. Pasta. Cinnamon rolls. My family. Blank paper. A clean house. A good laugh. Being tickled. Playing in the rain. Walking barefoot. A good hair day. Skirts and high heels. The library. Commercial songs. Daydreaming. Sleeping in. French toast. The smell of clean laundry. Music. Back rubs. Candles. Writing. Cooking. Shopping. My job. Going to the movies. Fall. Boots. Staying up late. Sex. People who talk with accents. DIY projects. That my husband and I are best friends. Decorating. Finding a good deal. Spending time with my friends. The spanish language. Road trips. A good book. Painting my toenails. Five guys burgers. Going on a date. Dressing up. PB&J sandwiches. SUVs. My iPad. The way babies smell- when they are clean! A good joke. Riding in the car with my honey. That I got married young. Learning new words. Feeling pretty. Journaling. Bookshelves. Surprises. New things. Writing Utensils. Jackets. Comfy couches. Bacon. Kissing. Planning events. People watching. Adventures. Hotels. A good nights sleep. Feeling loved. Greek yogurt. A good pair of jeans. Cheesecake. Sleepovers. Dresses. Chips and dip. Air hockey. Wearing my hair in curls. Being held. My hometown. Animated movies. Accessories. Being a woman. Apple juice. Mangos. Strawberries. Reeses peanut butter cups. Making a new friend. Encouraging others. Elderly people. Walking in display homes. Christmas. Reading aloud. Blogging/journaling. Accomplishments. Loving someone and being loved back. My birthday. Ponytails. Our wedding rings. Living and growing together with my husband. Worshipping God. The smell of doctors offices. Having someone play in my hair. A good quote. Memories. Salmon. Off days.
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