"Magic Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"
I used to think it would be pretty neat to have a magical mirror to talk to me, and to tell me that I was indeed the fairest of all; the prettiest, smartest, kindest, the best! I didn't really start to struggle with my self image until I was older. In fact if you were to ask any of my family members, growing up I was constantly in the mirror. I probably heard the phrase, "get out the mirror" no less than five or ten times on any given day. I had no reason to feel shame or self conscious. You could say that at the time I was pretty much only self-aware. The qualities and attributes of others didn't register to me, so I never had to feel inferior. All I saw was myself just as I was not, in light of any one else. I wish I could say that it has remained true into my adult life but it hasn't. Like so many others I fall into the vicious habit of comparison. She has better hair, she's smaller, more athletic, she seems more established, more confident, has more friends, seems more happy, struggles less, prays more the list doesn't end… The mirror was no longer a place I could spend hours playing and imagining and acknowledging myself. Instead of admiration and accolades it reflects insecurities and amplifies criticism. I am constantly aware of my shortcomings. Comparing myself to people who look to have it all together as a blueprint of some sort, as if they are the "standard" of a good christian, a great wife, a perfect woman. I couldn't feel comfortable in my own skin. I looked for acceptance and approval, something to say "you are enough". At some point, I became more and more preoccupied with how other people saw me instead of how I saw myself. To them, am I above average? Do I meet their expectations? Do they take me seriously, value and respect me? Do they like me? Appreciate my time and work? Do they view me as equal? And if so, then what? What was I looking for? What was I expecting? The approval felt good only for so long. Until... I could never find security in myself because the closer it seemed I got, there was always someone else the raise the "standard". And so it went for weeks, months, and then years. In one variation or another I could always find someway to feel dissatisfied within, in light of someone else. If you had asked me, I would say I had a healthy dose of self esteem -after all I didn't hate myself. But overtime I no longer found any opportunities to accept myself. Eventually, I got tired of feeling so dissatisfied and feeling inferior to other people and I didn't want to resort to finding negative things to make me think better of me. I felt I should be able to appreciate the good in others without it taking away what I have to offer. I no longer wanted to depend on the approval of others to give me security and value. I wanted to be able to look at myself in the mirror and like what I see, not because someone else does but because I genuinely see someone beautiful. More than just what I wear or what I do, but who I am inside and out. Am I approachable? Am I honest? Kind? Do I keep my word? Would I offer the shirt off my back to someone who needed it? The fact that I couldn't answer yes to all of those questions and knowing my primary focus for so long wasn't where it should have been I started to pray. I acknowledged my mistake and was honest about my struggle, but I didn't know where to go from there. So I continued to pray and be transparent with God about where I was and where I wanted to be, and I trusted him to guide me from there. Today I came across this scripture, (1 Peter 2:4; 9-10) "Coming to Him, a living stone rejected by men but chosen and valuable to God - you yourselves, as living stones, are being built into a spiritual house for a holy priesthood to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ… But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his possession so that you may proclaim the praises of the One who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light". The first thing that says to me is a reminder that I am here not as a representative of myself but to Christ. Everything I am- should be, for His glory. I cannot seek to both honor God and me. Not to say that I should not have confidence and feel valued but, I felt convicted in putting everyone else's opinions and approval over my creators. And I felt equally guilty for expecting to find peace in it. My priorities and focus needed to be shifted away from worldly standards and even my own back to Jesus. He is the only standard and I am equipped with the best blueprint in His word. The second thing this scripture says to me is, "I know EXACTLY who you are." Pretty much the entirety of my day was spent wrapping my head around the fact that He knows me. And this isn't a new concept to me, I have heard it numerous times but today I really understood. He knows me. He knows my shortcomings and my fears and my sin and all my ugliness and my heart and its desires and he finds me worthy. And not only am I worthy, and enough- he chose me; he wants me. "Rejected by man, but chosen by God"; why would I want acceptance from man when I am known and loved by God? Read this as a lesson in progress. I am not there yet. Maybe its a continual thing, understanding and accepting my place in Christ. I know I don't want to wait until my life is halfway over to realize I am worthy or to only find my value in my accomplishments, economical status or number or people surrounding me singing my praises. In fact it is the opposite I have in store living a christian life, (21-25) "This is the kind of life you've been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered everything that came his way so you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it. He never did anything wrong… He suffered in silence… He used his servant body to carry our sins to the Cross so we could we be rid of sin, free to live the right way… You were lost sheep with no idea who you were or where you where going. Now you're named and kept for good by the Shepard of your souls." Instead of looking for peace in fitting the standards of others I can find peace without it. I may struggle still from time to time, but find hope in knowing that the Shepard of my soul knows my name.
