Good Things Come to Those Who Wait... and Wait...

You hear the saying all the time that patience is a virtue but who really likes waiting? I mean, initially the idea of being patient is noble and isn't met with much resistance but after some time of waiting for what seems "too long" for what we expected to have to wait we become irritable and impatient and even angry, I know I do. Most times I battle with offense against the world, or my current circumstance preventing me from obtaining whatever it is that is keeping me from the object  of my attention at the time. I'm a good person who works hard and is usually responsible so I deserve it right? I mean, how fair is it that so many people seem to have things handed to them, while others can work so hard and still can't catch a break? Needless to say, this is something I struggle with. Not so much because I have to be patient, but that after a while I start to get anxious and wonder what's the hold up?  Is it me, or something I've done?  Or not done? Do I want it for the right reasons?  Is it just not my time? There are numerous reasons I can and often do come up with to justify why something isn't happening in my preferred time frame, but the bottom line is that, some times in life there "ain't no rhyme or reason,  no complicated meaning or need to over think it" in the words of one of my favorite songs ("It happens" by Sugarland- in case you were wondering).  Sometimes life just is.  And though it is a simple fact it is that much harder to accept, especially when going through it at the moment.  But I have to say, honestly, that after a while no matter how necessary or dire the reason for my impatience may have been, I find a way to develop some resolve within myself to either become comfortable in waiting, or I realize that it wasn't that necessary to begin with.  But when it comes to bigger, more life defining things in life, such as finding a new job, finishing school, finding a mate, conceiving a child and things of that nature, you wonder what becomes more important; developing a virtue, or getting results?  The truth of the matter is, is that at some point we have to face the restlessness and anxiety that comes along with life and learning to cope with it.  Realizing that things don't always work out as planned no matter how hard we try, shouldn't make us fearful and cease in trying no longer forthcoming with effort, but to have it within ourselves to know that no matter what, we will always try and we won't give up, we'll find a way to do what has to be done and to try and be content while doing so, then we'll be okay.  It will suck, and life will get hard and some opportunities will come and pass but I chose to not let it define me or to get me down, because the only constant is change and life moves at a steady pace whether I move along with it or not. 

Family Ties

Today I enjoyed a genealogy presentation and the saint louis county library with a good friend of mine tonight.  I decided that I am going to start to find my roots and I'm excited for what I may find! I think its important to know where you come from.  If you think about how far you know your ancestors, by name and or any personal fact, it is pretty scary to think that in that same matter of yrs you may be forgotten/unknown by those who follow you.  I don't know anyone past my great-grandparents which means if I am lucky, if the pattern continues, I can only expect to be remembered 3 generations out. To think that my life and all its experiences will die with me is pretty sad, so I look forward to digging in and discovering my origins on both sides and eventually in my husbands family as well and I encourage anyone even slightly interested to do the same. You'd be surprised all of the resources and information out there that is available to us.  There are entire libraries and archives and more dedicated to the different facets of ancestral findings.  You can look people up by military records, deeds, birth and death records as well as marriage licences and education records.  I wonder if I have any Native American Ancestors, or any European decent.  I know a common finding in many African Americans when they research their roots is that they come to find that many AA's take on the last names of their slave owners which can end their findings unless they can somehow find a last name prior to their capture and where they lived before.  We also have access to many immigration records which can come in handy for those whose family members came from other countries.  If you know the year or a time period in which they came there is a pretty good chance you can find records on them.  And then of course the Census is an excellent aid to find out information as far as where they live, their occupation and household information.  It is going to be a long, but interesting journey that will benefit not just me, but all of us.  The speaker said something that rang very true to me, that every piece of personal history that people discover is a small piece of american history and can help us all in some way. I just hope to create a new standard for those who follow me to start to pay more attention to our history and its documentation.  I would also like to make a memoir of my life in my elder years as well as trying to journal more like I used to. I know I may not do it on a daily basis, but more often than not, because even when I look back on the pages I've written and evaluate the emotional state I was in when writing it, or the age and place in my life it seems interesting to me even now.  My main issue is that I get caught up in wanting it to be perfect.  I am afraid to document the imperfections of my life, or when I go too long without writing in my journal, I'll "scrap" it and start over, not realizing that though it may not be perfect, though it may not be ideal, its how I felt, its my life, its my story and it is important.  So I am excited for the journey that awaits me and as always, will keep you posted!

Thin Ice

Its the end of the school year and the time has come around again where everything just seems be on the line.  Its crunch time.  I have one week left of classes in which I have four lab write ups to do, a test to make up, finals to study for for and it is all riding on this.  How I do this semester will determine what I will be doing this summer and if I will be able to apply to the nursing program Im striving for and how long of a wait I'll have between now and my start date.
Every now and then life seems to have those moments, or the accumulation of moments where it all seems to count on that one thing.  Well I'd like to say that the majority of those happenings in my life ended in the results I was hoping for but I can't.  My life isn't like the movies where you know the underdog team, will win the championship or cinderella will find her prince, if they didn't then no one would watch them.  I do have those times that no matter how hard I try, I just fall short.  And yes, it sucks.  But its that very dose of reality that keeps me diligent, and faithful, and on my knees, rather than arrogantly and pridefully assuming of my successes.  I have had two very different examples of this in the past week, pertaining to school;  Recently I wrote a paper for my Human Growth and Development class and I wanted an A.  I thought I did pretty well on the paper personally and thought at worse I would get a B on it, however I had waited til the day before and morning of to write it. I knew that I needed and A in the course to get the GPA I needed, and I knew the weight of the assignment in comparison to others in the semester, but I still chose to wait until the last minutes to do the assignment, assuming that I could do so and still get the grade I wanted partially because I underestimated the paper in itself and also because I overestimated my writing skills, pridefully weighing it over adequate research and time management.  To my dismay, I got a C on the paper.  A 70% which to me is basically a D save for the one point.  I earned my C and I took responsibility for my lack of prioritizing the assignment but the full weight of my choice hadn't fully hit me yet, until I looked at how it had affected me overall.  Consequently, in the class that I had at first aimed to get an A in, I can only realistically hope for a B at best and even then, that will be hard earned.  (Oh don't mind that noise, its just the sound of reality smacking me in the face!)  On the bright side, (of course there is a bright side, there always is!) I have been working pretty hard in my Stats class to get an A so I don't have to take the final and it has paid off for me so far. I studied vey hard for my test last week and got a 100% which proves that handwork does reap good rewards!  Although it feels like I'm skating on "thin ice" right now and am enduring an enormous amount of stress, in a matter of weeks I will be wishing I was back in school and would give anything for an assignment, so I am looking for the joy in it now.  I always tell myself that I will work on my procrastination and that next year I won't get lax and I will stay dedicated and diligent and a whole list of things that I never end up doing.  I think there will be always be a small part of me that will have that procrastinating bone and desire to get lazy, but I hope that over time I do get the strength to withstand it longer.  But honestly, if I let myself think about it for a moment, living life completely responsible and never procrastinating, always having things done on time it would be boring!  I mean a little stress isn't so bad, especially after you have learned how to manage it.  Now I am in now way a stress-seeking junkie but realistically speaking I will never reach a point where I do away with my procrastinating ways altogether, and that's okay.  But for right now, while I still have room to grow, I will make goals and plans, and continue to do my best and hopefully the results I get aren't too far from the ones I was hoping for.
                                                                                                                     
Since it took me longer to come back and finish this posting than I had expected, I decided to go ahead and tell you the end results of my semester:
Human Growth and Development: B
Anatomy and Physiology lecture: A
Anatomy and Physiology lab: B
Probability and Statistics: A
Microbiology lecture: A
Microbiology lab: A
GPA: 3.74
So yes, hard work does pay off and though I was just a bit shy of my 4.0 goal, I still did pretty well and put myself that much closer to goal, yay me!!!

Crime and Punishment

Have you ever been in a situation, or witnessed a situation where a person seemed to go overboard with their form of punishment? Maybe you have found yourself in a situation where you felt that you went too far in your repercussions. Whether you were on the giving or receiving end I'm sure we all can identify and admit that it isn't fun; for either person. On the one hand, you want to get your point across and its not your fault that the person you're talking to takes it too personally or can't get a grip on his or her emotions to suck it up and deal with it. After all, if anyone should be upset it should be you right? And then there's the other side where you feel like, you just made a mistake, it wasn't intentional and in your heart of hearts you wish you could take it back, or re-do it, or remember to do it, whatever "it" may be. And you are frustrated! They never get it! They still won't forgive you! They keep begging for forgiveness! You feel like a failure! You feel like the bad guy! In any case, there are two sides. And depending on the side at which you stand, you feel compelled to be validated and be comforted and understood in whatever way you require it. Whether by alone time, or a hug or listening ear or whatever. We all get angry and people will disappoint us, even the ones we love. No, ESPECIALLY the ones we love! And we all have different ways of handling it. Personally I hate the receiving end of confrontation. I am not a confrontational person and find it difficult to express the way I feel to others, more importantly to those I am close to. I don't like to disappoint the ones I love and especially find no joy in being mad at by them. I try and avoid confrontational situations as best I can but obviously they are unavoidable. The best thing to do then is to learn how to deal with them when they come. I have been shown countless ways to handle conflict as have you I assume. Some people deal with them by lashing out at the other person rather than looking to see if there may be some truth to what the person is saying. Contrarily, some can always assume responsibility for a wrong regardless or not if they are at fault, which is what I have the tendency to do at times. It may have come from the way I was raised with such high expectations, having to constantly feel as though I had to be a certain way and most often falling short. I got used to thinking I was inadequate and eventually found comfort in it all being my fault because it gave me a sense of power to fix it. It some weird way, it made sense to me; if its my fault then I have control over making it right and I really didn't trust others to right their wrongs, in the event they admitted to any, because I had been so used to those around me not doing so. I learned that leaving reconciliation in their hands would leave me empty handed and I hated the anxiety and insecurities that came along with not knowing how someone would react to a mistake I had made. If they would be angry, or not care at all. Would they punish me and if so in what ways? By withholding love and affection, strong disapproval, verbally destroying my confidence and self worth? Rarely ever did I receive the grace I needed at times and understanding to know that it's okay to make mistakes. Instead, I was conditioned to fear imperfection and in turn became my own worst critic. I know now, that mistakes are okay to make and that they will happen from time to time with or without my intention to prevent them and that it doesn't make me a bad person because of it. Still though, I have those times where I am feeling overwhelmed and need to take a step back and evaluated the truths that I know: I am not a mistake, I am worthy of love and affection, my mistake doesn't define me, and sometimes I'll get it right. Sometimes it even takes me a couple tries at reassuring myself of these things and I always go to God in prayer and give him my thoughts and worries. It took me until recently to understand that prayer is in fact my best weapon against my struggles instead of just my only option. Many times I found myself thinking, when I had no control over a situation, "Ugh! X,y, and z is going on and all I can do is pray about it!" as if it rendered me helpless that prayer was all I could do. But now I know that in those situations that is all I need. Honestly anything else I could think of that I would rather have at the time, such as understanding from the angered person, or more grace, still would not compare to what would happen when the Lord takes over the situation. The trust issues I had with others to admit to faults and be gracious to mine, I no longer  had to rest in them, but I could take it to my Father and know that he will deliver. And sometimes its not in the way I expect-  him revealing to them their wrongs, but in me knowing how to have peace and joy even if they do not. I don't know, maybe that is God's goal, to get us to a place where we are more dependent on him than others and their responses to us. In fact I am becoming more sure of it as I think on this that the bigger picture here is about establishing and strengthening a relationship with him, after all he made the greatest sacrifice by taking on the harshest punishment for uncommitted crimes and if anyone can teach us how to deal with injustice and hurt feelings, and can relate to us and comfort us, is Him. Through him we already have access to grace, mercy, and understanding with or without the approval of man. 
     So this is my prayer: That I may learn to run to the shadow of God's wings in refuge and not man's and that I give grace and mercy when needed and have the love of Christ in me to give to others as it is given to me. That the joy of the Lord be my strength when I have none, and to have his peace surpassing all understanding when I fall short. I lift up my loved ones and enemies alike and ask God to search my heart for any and all truths that may come from them and surrender myself to his ways for me and that his will may be done in my life.  
Amen!

Reflections and Revisions... 2011

This year came and went by so fast! Well not too fast... Looking back over it I have accomplished it quite a few things such as:
*losing 20 lbs
*maintaining good standing in school
*started a blog
*created and maintained a closer relationship with my husband
*kept up the house more often
And now I have started thinking about the goals I wanted to set for this upcoming year. Not to be confused with the corny and rarely accomplished new year's resolution. But some of the things I wish to accomplish before I turn 21 are:
*reach my goal weight of 125-130 lbs
*find and maintain a hobby
*continue research on my photography dreams
*get a 3.5 or above cumulative gpa
*get into nursing school
*have/keep money in our savings
*read more books
*blog more consistently
*travel
*learn new things
*make new friends/ maintain old ones


These are just a few things I plan to accomplish, I'll update my list as I come up with more. Overall, I am excited for this upcoming year and all that it has to offer and hopefully, a year from now, I can look back on this list and find that I had accomplished many if not all that I had set out to.  After all, what better day than today to start to make a change? (that was a bit corny, but I'll leave it...)