Time Out

Growing up in a house of only women, the phrase "me time" was often enough used or illustrated in one way or another.  Even before I knew the meaning of the concept,  I was aware of the need to just take time out for myself. Whether it was getting lost in a book or an afternoon nap, I came to appreciate and enjoy the time I spent on my own.  My mother's favorite way to take time for herself would be to take long hot baths after my sister and I had gone to bed. She would sit and relax for hours in steaming waters by candlelight and listen to music or a sermon series and just unwind. No matter the activity, there is something healing and essential in taking time out for yourself to nourish, replenish, improve, and relax. 
I went a long while without these time outs and I started to suffer the effects way before I even realized it. I got caught up with work and worry and consumed with what was to come and needed to be done. I rarely took the time to replenish and acknowledge myself.  I had in my mind who I wanted to be and what I wanted to accomplish but it was all future tense; "someday I'll be that girl". I didn't know that in continually failing to stop and make myself a priority I was diminishing my confidence, self esteem and warping my self image. I was either looking ahead or behind at what I was or wanted to be but never once appreciating the now. It wasn't until recently, not even 24 hours ago, that I had come to understand the importance for taking time for myself. 
I started doing yoga off and on about at year ago and within the past few months I had decided it was something I actually wanted to work on and and become skilled in.  I came to understand the benefits both physically and mentally and outside of work I was looking for something else to be dedicated to. For the first time in a long time I had a goal. Even still, with my work schedule my yoga practice was still sporadic. I would make a class maybe once every two weeks but when I went I enjoyed it. I knew that I had a ways to go as far as building strength and balance and every class felt like the first where I wasn't sure of myself and doubted my abilities and progress. Nonetheless I kept at it, one day I would get there. Last night, I challenged myself to try something different. I had been hearing of these hot yoga classes and how good they were for you to flush out toxins and deepen your stretches and add an extra challenge to your practice and I had been meaning to try it.  I found a place near my house offering a class after work and I decided to go. I almost chickened out after a few failed attempts at trying to get someone to tag along- but on I went, nerves and all.  I was greeted by a really nice lady who went over what to sort of expect from the class, got a quick tour and was told above all to "keep and open mind".  I went into the darkened studio, and found a spot near what I thought was the back of the room, to keep from being a distraction in case I sucked.  The class started and during the first few minutes I was intensely aware of myself and the overwhelming thought that others were as well.  We were facing a mirrored wall and I kept looking around me, thinking everyone else was looking at me.
The instructor guided us through our warm up using poses and commands I had heard before, "honor your body", "relax your mind", "breathe", "respect your practice", "take what you need".  I had never really succeeded in doing those things, always being concerned with how I looked and if I was performing the right way compared to someone else, totally missing the point of the exercise. I was uncomfortable and moved with caution and unease. "Use the mirror to focus yourself, this is your practice". I wanted to be good at this; I knew I could be.  I decided to make the most of my time there and to be present in that moment.  I focused my breathing and blocked out everything else. I took my eyes off of the people beside me and stared straight ahead into the dark brown eyes in front of me. I followed the instructors directions into the next flow of poses as I watched, and I forgot to be afraid.  I was mesmerized by her. She had more strength and confidence than I had realized and she smiled at my acknowledgement.  I had literally found myself during this experience and with a newfound respect at that. This person staring back at me, in all her beauty and strength and sureness was not at all the person whom I had known before, who I had been thinking I was all this time working towards the strength she already seemed to possess.  I became aware of the qualities I had been striving for having already been developed in her but just overlooked.  The areas where I doubted and limited and held myself back, she seemed to be eager and open and competent. Where I had been neglectful and critical of her she had been waiting on her time to be noticed and to flourish. She was just as admirable as any other if not more, that I had been looking to as a guide to how and I wanted to be. I found that she is fully capable of withstanding the challenges before her if given the opportunity. I came to know myself, not in light of how other people saw me or how I wanted to be seen but who I actually am.  In taking time out for me, I was able to see where I have grown and changed and where I can improve. I have a new respect for myself and I am grateful to have had the experiences in which I have come to be. 

The Golden Rule

"Do to others as you would want them to do to you", we are all taught this classic proverb as children as a basic how-to on how to treat others. We try to avoid children from saying things or behaving in manners that are un-kind or selfish by challenging them to think about how they would feel if the same action was done to them and it works; most of the time.  Until you reach the age where you find that life isn't a fair give-and-take system and you don't always get back what you dish out whether good or bad. And sometimes, what you want or how you are seems more important than the consequences, especially when not on the receiving end.  My mother would often tell me when I was younger that to have a friend, you must first show yourself friendly.  Seemed simple enough.  If you want to have friends and be invited to parties and sleepovers and have BFF's, you had to show that you were kind and interested and then people would be your friend. What she didn't say, was that sometimes that's not enough. That some people just aren't  meant to be your friend and that in some instances, you are better off.
I think society has done a pretty sucky job in terms of painting a picture of female relationships. Solely based off of what is portrayed to us off of television shows and movies we are taught to think that we are going to have 3-5 BEST friends throughout our lives for us to cry over crushes with, share a great pair of jeans that miraculously fit us all, travel across the country with while discovering ourselves, keep in touch with through college, double date, attend each others weddings, fly across the country to vacation together, have our  kids be best friends, have weekly lunch dates and frequent dinner parties and grow old together like the golden girls.
I have to say that I have been pretty let down in my adult life in terms of friendships.  I don't know if its due to too high of expectations or just the wrong people or maybe a little of both.  But I have been more unsuccessful than not, to have found a friend - ONE single friend that I can be myself with, have intellectual conversations, enjoy spending time together, and mutually support each other consistently. I have come to believe that maybe its just the circle of life. That you meet a person for a time period and have short-lived relationship that slowly tapers off until it is no longer. Wash, rinse, repeat. But somehow I just can't swallow that. Call it the optimist in me that thinks that it is yet possible in the 21st century to have meaningful and long-lasting friendships. But somehow I find myself in the same situation more over where I have a friend that I think values me and our relationship as much as I do, only to be left feeling like it was not the case. I found myself being the only one who seemed to think of them and call "just to say hey!" or was always asking them to try a new activity or being the sole person actively keeping the friendship alive. If I didn't call, we wouldn't talk and after a while I take the hint because after all, if someone was important enough you would respond in kind. Now, I know that people get busy and things happen and people change and thats all fine and acceptable and I am not saying that friends should talk everyday and keep every lunch date and know everything about each other.  But what I am saying, is that it is a two way street which mean both people should be equally active and invested to make it meaningful. You should at the very least, feel like this person values the essence of your being whether in its absence or presence; that you are missed and thought of and important! I never call it a loss until I can clearly determine that this person just doesn't value my friendship for whatever reason, and I choose to no longer hold them accountable for it. Nonetheless it hurts. Its rejection and it sucks. I have yet to find in my 22 years a cure-all for feeling tossed aside, but when I do you'll be the first to know. When I see someone who I consider a friend actively participating in friendships with others when they failed to do so with me, it makes me wonder what was wrong with me?  Was I boring? Annoying? What is it? Because I am doing to others what I would like in return but the golden rule just isn't enough. Even still, it has yet to stop me from being open to others and making new friends because you never know what will come of it. So I keep my smile on, arms open and hopes high. It may be more of the same, or it could very well be the start of  a really great relationship.