Crime and Punishment

Have you ever been in a situation, or witnessed a situation where a person seemed to go overboard with their form of punishment? Maybe you have found yourself in a situation where you felt that you went too far in your repercussions. Whether you were on the giving or receiving end I'm sure we all can identify and admit that it isn't fun; for either person. On the one hand, you want to get your point across and its not your fault that the person you're talking to takes it too personally or can't get a grip on his or her emotions to suck it up and deal with it. After all, if anyone should be upset it should be you right? And then there's the other side where you feel like, you just made a mistake, it wasn't intentional and in your heart of hearts you wish you could take it back, or re-do it, or remember to do it, whatever "it" may be. And you are frustrated! They never get it! They still won't forgive you! They keep begging for forgiveness! You feel like a failure! You feel like the bad guy! In any case, there are two sides. And depending on the side at which you stand, you feel compelled to be validated and be comforted and understood in whatever way you require it. Whether by alone time, or a hug or listening ear or whatever. We all get angry and people will disappoint us, even the ones we love. No, ESPECIALLY the ones we love! And we all have different ways of handling it. Personally I hate the receiving end of confrontation. I am not a confrontational person and find it difficult to express the way I feel to others, more importantly to those I am close to. I don't like to disappoint the ones I love and especially find no joy in being mad at by them. I try and avoid confrontational situations as best I can but obviously they are unavoidable. The best thing to do then is to learn how to deal with them when they come. I have been shown countless ways to handle conflict as have you I assume. Some people deal with them by lashing out at the other person rather than looking to see if there may be some truth to what the person is saying. Contrarily, some can always assume responsibility for a wrong regardless or not if they are at fault, which is what I have the tendency to do at times. It may have come from the way I was raised with such high expectations, having to constantly feel as though I had to be a certain way and most often falling short. I got used to thinking I was inadequate and eventually found comfort in it all being my fault because it gave me a sense of power to fix it. It some weird way, it made sense to me; if its my fault then I have control over making it right and I really didn't trust others to right their wrongs, in the event they admitted to any, because I had been so used to those around me not doing so. I learned that leaving reconciliation in their hands would leave me empty handed and I hated the anxiety and insecurities that came along with not knowing how someone would react to a mistake I had made. If they would be angry, or not care at all. Would they punish me and if so in what ways? By withholding love and affection, strong disapproval, verbally destroying my confidence and self worth? Rarely ever did I receive the grace I needed at times and understanding to know that it's okay to make mistakes. Instead, I was conditioned to fear imperfection and in turn became my own worst critic. I know now, that mistakes are okay to make and that they will happen from time to time with or without my intention to prevent them and that it doesn't make me a bad person because of it. Still though, I have those times where I am feeling overwhelmed and need to take a step back and evaluated the truths that I know: I am not a mistake, I am worthy of love and affection, my mistake doesn't define me, and sometimes I'll get it right. Sometimes it even takes me a couple tries at reassuring myself of these things and I always go to God in prayer and give him my thoughts and worries. It took me until recently to understand that prayer is in fact my best weapon against my struggles instead of just my only option. Many times I found myself thinking, when I had no control over a situation, "Ugh! X,y, and z is going on and all I can do is pray about it!" as if it rendered me helpless that prayer was all I could do. But now I know that in those situations that is all I need. Honestly anything else I could think of that I would rather have at the time, such as understanding from the angered person, or more grace, still would not compare to what would happen when the Lord takes over the situation. The trust issues I had with others to admit to faults and be gracious to mine, I no longer  had to rest in them, but I could take it to my Father and know that he will deliver. And sometimes its not in the way I expect-  him revealing to them their wrongs, but in me knowing how to have peace and joy even if they do not. I don't know, maybe that is God's goal, to get us to a place where we are more dependent on him than others and their responses to us. In fact I am becoming more sure of it as I think on this that the bigger picture here is about establishing and strengthening a relationship with him, after all he made the greatest sacrifice by taking on the harshest punishment for uncommitted crimes and if anyone can teach us how to deal with injustice and hurt feelings, and can relate to us and comfort us, is Him. Through him we already have access to grace, mercy, and understanding with or without the approval of man. 
     So this is my prayer: That I may learn to run to the shadow of God's wings in refuge and not man's and that I give grace and mercy when needed and have the love of Christ in me to give to others as it is given to me. That the joy of the Lord be my strength when I have none, and to have his peace surpassing all understanding when I fall short. I lift up my loved ones and enemies alike and ask God to search my heart for any and all truths that may come from them and surrender myself to his ways for me and that his will may be done in my life.  
Amen!

Reflections and Revisions... 2011

This year came and went by so fast! Well not too fast... Looking back over it I have accomplished it quite a few things such as:
*losing 20 lbs
*maintaining good standing in school
*started a blog
*created and maintained a closer relationship with my husband
*kept up the house more often
And now I have started thinking about the goals I wanted to set for this upcoming year. Not to be confused with the corny and rarely accomplished new year's resolution. But some of the things I wish to accomplish before I turn 21 are:
*reach my goal weight of 125-130 lbs
*find and maintain a hobby
*continue research on my photography dreams
*get a 3.5 or above cumulative gpa
*get into nursing school
*have/keep money in our savings
*read more books
*blog more consistently
*travel
*learn new things
*make new friends/ maintain old ones


These are just a few things I plan to accomplish, I'll update my list as I come up with more. Overall, I am excited for this upcoming year and all that it has to offer and hopefully, a year from now, I can look back on this list and find that I had accomplished many if not all that I had set out to.  After all, what better day than today to start to make a change? (that was a bit corny, but I'll leave it...)