A Dream Deferred...

Sometimes it seems as if I am always setting myself up for failure. The things I want so badly always seem to be out of reach and in the moments where it looks as if I am getting closer, it slips away again, leaving me feeling as if it'll never happen. This has not always been a bad thing because for the interests that I am no longer interested in, the waiting time was helpful in me deciding that I really wouldn't have been consistent with whatever it was after some time. But now I am sure that I have found something that interests me and I would really stick to and the waiting game is in full effect like never before, and it is NOT pretty! I get really excited about my new task/interest and I set up all these high hopes and plans for it and usually find soon after that it takes either more time or money than I have to give at that point and boy is it a bummer! Since I've repeated this process many times over I have begun to recognize where I go wrong and so now I am trying revise the things that trap me up; such as being more realistic about what I am wanting and then responsible and patient enough prioritize what is more important at the time.
So now I feel I have found the hobby/activity that I am passionate about that utilizes all of the aspects of my creativity that I like to express. I have decided that I want to start my own photography business. I have always liked to take pictures and I think a big part of that came from my grandmother always being big on family portraits. We have more family photos than a little bit and it never mattered if we were looking neat and put together or not. In fact, she preferred it that way and we would often stop at Wal-Mart or Sears in the middle of running errands just to take photos. She said it was more important to look back and remember things the way things were and not where you wanted them to be and from that I had grown to love photography. I took my first photo classes in high school and enjoyed them very much. I actually ran into my high school photography teacher the other day while I was at work. She came into the Target I work at and tried on some maternity clothes and we chatted for a bit. But for a year now I had played with the idea of me starting to shoot again and maybe investing in my own DSLR and wondering what kinds of things I liked shooting better, landscapes and scenery vs portraits. After some research and thinking I had decided that I wanted to shoot people doing everyday life things, ranging from weddings and maternity photos or child photography or high school portraits and really started courting the idea of me doing this not just as a hobby but being good at it and making a name for myself and it got me so excited! Even the smaller and more tedious aspects of owning and running my own business appealed to me and I finally felt as if I found one thing that utilized many of the talents I posses. Getting to be creative with the shots and angles and effects and poses and editing the photos afterwards. Managing business finances and budgeting and inventory allows me to use my knack for numbers and calculating and my organizing skills to, well keep it all organized. Creating and updating my own website, because I have always been a bit interested in webpage design and the overall love of being around people and capturing their most precious moments is what I look forward to. Despite the hype of all my excitement though I did have to sit down and really dig deep within myself to think about whether or not this is something I would really want to do no matter the outcome and how I would go about it. I couldn't expect my friends and family to be on board with something that I myself am not fully 100% about. I realized that it would take a lot of work and research and investing and am even finding out now that it will even take work to learn where to pick up the necessary information that I need whether by taking classes or reading books. I have taken to reading about other photographers and most are pretty honest about the ups and downs of the business and gave me a reality check on what I am up against but it didn't discourage me. I am not yet at the point where I am ready to actually start my business but what I can do now is find affordable starter materials in order to master my craft and become familiar with the basics of photography all in all. Being that this is a dream of mine and will not be my main source of income I do have the advantage of having a full time career as a nurse which I am also passionate about, but it doesn't take away the time needed to maintain a business either. This isn't an either or for me. I will be equally fulfilled in both and I realized more and more about myself in this past year about what interests me and what I am good at. I have always been interested in multiple areas and felt that one day I would have to choose one that I wanted and stick with it, but I am finding that there are many people who do multiple things its just a matter of balance. My family and my job will always be whats important to me and this dream of photography is more than a dream it is a manifestation of what makes me who I am and a product of what I am capable of. My intention isn't to get rich but to be fulfilled and utilize the talents that I have in a way that pleases me. If I broke even every year it wouldn't bother me any I just want the opportunity to perform for the pure joy of it. It brings me comfort to know what I want and to know that I don't have to limit myself to one thing in life. I have an aunt that does many things and is involved in something new many times that I hear about her and it encourages me to know that I can be active in the things that I want and still have a close knit family and enjoy my life and if I decide to do something else I can stop what I am doing and move on to something else if I so chose. It is just nice to know that I can and it makes for a better story to tell and journey to live in my opinion. So, I am looking forward to investing in my fist DSLR pretty soon. It took some convincing from my husband and much pondering on my part to agree that I should start off with a good starter camera that is good on the budget but also good quality for learning. I am excited for my new found discovery and happy for the progress I have made so far since starting my blog at how much I have learned about myself. Pretty soon I'll have a new photography aspect to add to my blog archiving all of my learning endeavors! Stay tuned...

Soundtrack for Life

Have you ever had the feeling that there's a song for everything? No matter what the occasion or the feeling there always seems to be the perfect song for it either to make you happy or to accompany sadness or to make you dance or laugh or remind of you of past memories. But I just love music! There are so many different genre's and artists with different talents and strengths and ways of expressing themselves which makes it so interesting and refreshing to listen to. There are songs for makeups and breakups and loss of loved ones and births of children and life lessons and love songs, growing up songs, secret crush songs, inspirational songs, silly songs the list goes on! I have so many different playlists on my iphone, one for getting dressed and one for when I'm out driving around or blogging or walking or cooking and cleaning and even one for the shower! One of my favorite things to do is to listen to the radio with my hubby singing along to whatever song we have on at the time. We went to Florida for spring break last spring and on the way there and back we sang along together to some of our favorite songs and tortured one another with the songs the other hates and it felt so good. It didn't take money or much else other than the two of us, the open road and the radio. As I get older the style of music I like changes and I become more interested in different kinds. My senior year of high school I got into country music, mostly the contemporary and then last year I got into folk music and pop music. But the world of music is timeless and interchangeable and so much apart of my life almost like a family member that helps to motivate, inspire, encourage and reveal and makes the background music to my life story.

Life is Not a Television Show...

One of my favorite television shows is One Tree Hill. I absolutely love that show and all the artistic dynamics it has in it. I even got my husband hooked on it, and it was recently when he and I were catching up on new episodes online that I came across the topic for this post. There was one character, Alex who came on the show as an actress who was rehabbed from alcohol abuse and then became a model for another character's (Brooke) clothing line. She hit a few rough patches with drugs and relationships, tried acting and screen writing on for size and was now, according to the episode we were then watching, recording an album as a new singer! And my husband goes, "Wow! Isn't it great how you can do anything on tv?" And that got me to thinking about life on television. Everything always seems better, even the bad doesn't seem so bad when its on tv. You can go from being a crack addict to a princess all within one 24 episode season. Television seems to have no limits or boundaries on what's plausible or even possible. Sometimes it seems that you truly can do anything. But that is not at all how real life works. In reality, you do actually have to leave the coffee shop, and in real life, no college student would ever be able to afford the clothes and shoes she is, or have a perfect bounce and curl in her hair after it rains. No, what really happens, is: you fight to squeeze into the jeans you've had since high school while trying to ignore the freshman fifteen you've got going on and when you try to straighten/curl your hair it never ends up the way you want; one side always looks better. You spend more time in class than you do at parties and cannot afford to go on trips and dates the way they do on tv.  T.V. doesn't show all of the sucky parts that happen in real life and you can't just fast forward through all the hard and boring parts that happen along the way that you don't want to live through. In real life 45 min isn't nearly enough time to have a good cry, or study for an exam or makeup with a friend or have an epiphany on life that changes your entire perspective on life. The boring parts are necessary and as time happens along, you start to understand the importance of it all. Sometimes I can't wait until the parts of life I am waiting for happens but I realize that then, I'll never be happy with where I am in life if I am always looking forward to the next step. So I try and find contentment in wherever I am to avoid missing out on it when the time is passed. But I think we all struggle with it at some point especially while we are still young and it is a lesson to be learned as time goes on.

Every hero has a weakness/ cookie cutter marriage

When I think of the type of person I married and what makes him love me, I cannot help but to think of the "hero syndrome" that I so often attach to him. When we met, I was only fifteen and we were in high school and we were young and were just facinated by one another. We are alike and yet different to say the least and what I loved most about him was his ability to open up to me and share things with me that I knew he didn't share with any other. And the same was true with him. I told him things about me that I hadn't shared with many and he had immediately gained my trust. He had always been so open and honest and sensitive and smart and I could just listen to him talk for hours on end without getting tired. I loved the sound of his voice and most of all I loved him and all he had to offer. With him he brought so much. He brought comfort and peace and comfort and ease that I had come to depend on. I knew early on that I loved him and that I never wanted another day without him in it. He had changed my life. He was perfect for me. I was attracted to everything about him. I loved how we could be best friends. How he could talk to me and share his feelings and thoughts and know I wasn't judging him. Our relationship worked. We got each other. I couldn't decide what to title this one, so I decided to name it what had come to mind. Like the title, there are two sides to every story, two people to one relationship. And in our relationship we both bring something to the table, good and bad. Along with his charisma and confidence he brings hurt and along with my wit and beauty I bring fears and there are just some things you can't ignore. One of my biggest problems when it came to our relationship, that I did not find out until we were on our own, married and taking care of responsibilities is that I had really high and unrealistic expectations. I had never seen a good marriage, or a healthy relationship up close, and when I did I was not exposed enough to know the daily ins and outs. All I was equipped with was the fairy tale ideals I had and all the negative experiences I was determined to avoid. His biggest problem came when he was used to being the hero, the one I came to to escape from trouble, my partner and my refuge which brought him confidence and a sense of well-doing. But what happens when I want to escape from him because he is now some sources to my pain? What do you do when the hero is also the villian? (sidenote, my husband is NOT a villian, it is just used for literary purposes and not meant to dismantle any one's character or abilities). Or when the girl of your dreams seems to have become a nightmare and a constant reminder of the failure you feel inside? I expected the world's best marriage. All the disney movies put together and all the mistakes of those I knew avoided. I thought as long as I do what they do on tv, this should be great. I had no idea what so ever what I was doing. When it came to living everyday life I was lost. What's next after cooking and cleaning and sex and school? Literally, what do you do? I became frustrated, feeling like the smart person I am should know what to do. I lost all confidence over time when it seemed like failure after failure after failure kept occurring? Why is he unhappy? What am I doing wrong? As time went on he lost his smile. His charm, his will. Why bother? She's just gonna complain anyway. It was boring and stressful and confusing and scary. What the heck happened? We were so happy. I have come to realize that we happened to ourselves. My expectations led me to be ungrateful and and anxious and my emotions exaggerated my responses and my fears anticipated our failure. We were self destructing and didn't even know it. I also lacked the maturity to know how to deal with my emotions and the wisdom to know that not everything is my fault and not everything I can control. I had learned to be the victim and found comfort in being the one always wrong because that gave me the power to fix it. It was a foreign idea to me that sometimes we are just gonna have a bad day. No matter what I do. That people get cranky but they get over it and that it is not the end of the world. And where he used to find confidence in being my hero, here I had too many personal issues to be dealt with and he got tired of carrying me. He was drained, became lifeless, hopeless and our love seemed less and less. With each new day the thought of it all being a mistake became less and less un-thinkable. We had convinced ourselves that it just won't work. I cried all the time, mourning for our future and longing for the past. He became mentally and emotionally distant, and we despised one another at times. I tried to be his everything because he had always been my everything and it just wasn't working.
I don't regret my marriage, but there were times I did. But now, with new understanding, though some things are hard to say and accept I am glad we got through it all. We are still getting through it. I didn't know what I was doing, only what I didn't want to happen, and it caused all my worst nightmares to become a reality. I didn't see what happened after the show went off. After the car turned to corner with the happy newly weds in tow. I was so busy trying to not be, that I never learned how to be. And when it came to my hero actually being human, and needing support I wasn't able to give it. Mental support and companionship, not just a clean house and food on the table. When he lost his appetite and no longer enjoyed coming home I had nothing. I was at a loss. I felt inadequate. Like this was something I should already know. I lost my confidence and my drive and no longer felt the need to try because I wouldn't succeed anyway. My constant need to have that feeling of being in love and to have that climactical "in love" feeling like in movies was draining and unnerving to my husband. I was never satisfied. Instead of appreciating the gestures he was doing today I wanted to make sure he'd be back same time tomorrow with another. And the worst part about it is, I didn't know. I didn't know there was a problem nor the slightest idea how to fix it. Our first year of marriage was really hard, but I was determined, sometimes more than others. Determined to at least understand my failure. I wasn't very well equipped coming out where I grew up to handle relationships. And for the first four years, our love was real and it was the only thing that got us through. But when it came to self progression and all things that came with "self" I dropped the ball. I stopped all self discovery (not that I had much understanding prior to) and focused entirely on what I had been waiting for my whole 15 year life. I had mental maturity, but there were still things I had yet to know. I had never made decisions on my own that I had total confidence in and all the things I needed to function as person, just as a person I hadn't fully learned. I wasn't ready. I don't think either of us were. But I know that staying where I was in life wouldn't have left me in a better position either. So I would have eventually come to this point anyway. But now I am working to understand me. Getting the self confidence that I need for myself. And then finding relationships where I can learn the ins and outs on healthy ways to live and what expectations to have. I know we didn't make a mistake. It would have been better to have went to college together and finding out the things we needed to know about ourselves and each other to be successful. I never got a chance to really know myself and explore and learn and be. Unfortunately growing up I did not have that privilege and was really at a disadvantage. So I am taking it day by day, learning so many things about myself, some good and some bad. And I am learning to accept who I am and love who I am so I can learn to do the same with him. Its like we are starting over, and sometimes I feel like a newbie or a retard because some things don't come easily to me. When I was first told that there would be days where he'd just be out of it, and that its not my fault it just happens, it freaked me out. I didn't understand and that concept was completely foreign to me. I thought that as long as I tried really hard I would never get on his nerves or make him mad or anything because I wouldn't intend to and it didn't make sense that I in fact would, just because and even more so that he expected it and was okay with it. I had to learn that sometimes its not my fault and I don't have to stop my life because he is having a bad day, it happens cause sometimes I'll have a bad day. And its okay to have  bad day and I don't have to pretend that I'm having a good day if I'm really not. I feel like in the past couple of weeks we have began to settle. I get this picture of a pond with rocks settling to the bottom after a disruption. As we are starting to better understand each other and I myself, the things around us can settle into place and I don't feel as anxious. I can refocus my mind and feel more at ease. That this marriage wasn't an end all be all to all things me. That I can still do the things I like and be a wife as a additive and not a replacement, because those are the things that make me, me. So he can have his video games and I blog, or read or clean or whatever it is that we do and can still have one another. So I finally get to know what happens after the credits roll and the happy couple rides off into the sunset. They live. Plain and simple! (it even says so... "and they LIVED happily ever after"...) and happily ever after doesn't imply the absence of pain and suffering as I once believed, but the strength and contentment found in conquering it. And it means that they now have each other to face things with and I think that over time  it should be that they spend less and less time battling against one another and more and more time battling everything else as a team, after all isn't that the point. So the moral of the story is that I can be a princess and he can be my knight in shining armor all the same, but underneath the skirt and steel we are both yet human and as long as that remains true we will bump heads and disagree and fail and succeed and I have to try not to loose sight and passion for those things that brought me identity and attractiveness in the first place.

21st Century Woman

It's no secret that the role of women has changed dramatically since the beginning of time. We have evolved from being the home makers and child bearer/rear-ers and now have gained such a distinct sense of independence and freedom apart from men and the home and from our children. We have given ourselves the ability to make a name for ourselves outside of our natural jobs to carry children and be nurturers. We can practically do anything a man can do and do try to in every aspect. And we raise our daughters to think and feel and do the same. We pass down our pride along with our recipes on being a person, a mother, and most of all a woman. But now that I am married and will be having children of my own within the next few years some of the things I have been taught I begin to question and really want to dig into and see how they have come to effect me now. One of the biggest things I wanted to explore is the way we as women are taught to view men. I know that whenever I had someone interested in me as a teen my mom would say, "all they want is sex", or "all young men think about and want is sex". And so I was trained to think that way. Whenever I wasn't with my mom even now as an adult, when a guy seems to be checking me out, I automatically think that they are only interested in sex from me and it never crosses my mind that they may be interested in me, yes because they find me physically attractive, but also to get to know me as a person. I started to sort of hate the way I automatically jumped to such conclusions and wanted to get to the root of why I did. I realized that I didn't understand men at all, and the ones who called themselves teaching me about them didn't know any more than I do, and could only teach me based off of the negative experiences they themselves have had. I am married and still wonder when my husband reaches over to hold me and gets "excited" if all he thinks of is sex and why can't he just show me non-sexual affection. But then I started thinking. We are wired differently and that is no surprise, we say it all the time how different women and men are, but I don't believe any of this comes to mind and we don't give them the benefit of the doubt when it comes to understanding them. Women have an unfair advantage when it comes to this. I believe men love sexually, but it has been so negatively regarded that we look at it as a bad thing rather than accepting that this is the way that they show affection. Not all men are uncontrollable horn dogs, but all men do love and interact sexually, it is their nature. Just as women are emotional creatures  but that doesn't mean all are crazy and unstable. Just as women can learn to control their emotions and not let them control them, so can men learn to control their sexual desires, but we have been taught that they cannot and often do not and thus expect them not to. So that causes some mis-communication on my part in my marriage which is not entirely my own fault. It would be my fault if I continued to stay in the dark and not learn to understand how my husband works. When I begin to look at his sexual desire for me as affection the same way I look at my wanting to hold and kiss him as affection then it doesn't seem so bad. It is awkward though looking at sex as a way of affection first and not as a response to an urge to be satisfied, so that takes some getting used to. But the same way I expect him to trust that I won't go and start cuddling it up with just anyone, he can expect me to know that he won't go sleeping around either. Those things are reserved for just us. I realized with the help of my husband that men have the same fears and insecurities we do as women. Just because emotions don't come naturally to them doesn't mean they wouldn't benefit from being able to express them in the same way that women can enjoy sexual activity even though it is not a first response for us either.  When we open our minds to this idea we can give way to a major learning experience. Men can teach women how to enjoy and explore their sexuality, which in turn would be beneficial for them while women can teach men how to understand their emotions and how to express them comfortably and that benefits the women by them being able to identify and relate to how she is feelings without her always having to say so. They essentially learn to speak the language of one another as it becomes common to them and makes the relationship much better. In a way, as women we have to re-teach ourselves to not expect the worse when it comes to men in this area and to be optimistic when teaching them how to get in touch with their feelings. In turn we must also be willing to fulfill his physical needs as well just as eagerly as you would want him to emotionally connect with you. The outcome most hoped for is that it becomes less and less of a chore to fulfill one another's needs and he is excited to come home and open up about his day as she is ready to temp him with a new trick she's learned. You eventually become less and less concerned about your personal needs and more involved in meeting their as your needs are being consistently met because you are equally involved in each other. It no longer becomes about you, but about them and no one is left forgotten about. Now, that is a perfect scenario but not an unreachable one. It takes both involved to be willing to learn as well as to teach.

Breaking Even

So I was reading a book by my favorite author called, "Mercy".  And in it, she expresses this concept that love is never equal in a relationship, that there is someone who always loves the other person more. And then I came across it again, either on TV or maybe from another book I'm not sure but it started me on this path thinking if this is true. I had personally never really heard this idea before, but the way that it was described in the book made it seem plausible and believable, I guess that's what makes her a good author. But the idea of that though seems harsh and sad, and what do you do when you are in that situation, finding yourself loving someone more than they love you? I mean, just the thought of that is hard to understand, but not really. In a perfect world you wouldn't have to wonder about these things, but let's face it, we don't live in a perfect world and there is no exact  measure of love in any relationship. In the book it was the husband who was portrayed to have loved his wife more. But they still had an amazing relationship. It wasn't that  the story gave way to the idea that he loved her more and she hated him, or was just uncaring all in all, but that some of his characteristics displayed the love he had for her more so than hers. This makes me wonder whether the amount of love two people have is as important as the fact that they do love. Maybe when you try and put a measure on love is when you limit it and top it off and make it a bigger deal than the initial fact of. But there is no right or wrong way to view love, receive love, and deliver love. There is no standard and universal way to do either, so each and everyone has their own way to converse in the love language. So what seems special and appropriate to one doesn't mean that it would be accepted among all. So when you love someone truly you have to learn to love them the way the need to be loved, not the way you want to be loved, or how you think they should be loved. Putting in the time and effort needed to learn what and how they need the things they need to feel loved otherwise, the love you feel won't be received and vice versa. In the context of my own marriage I am an emotional person. I speak by touch and by words and gestures. I like to feel exclusive, that I have attention that is only directed towards me. Knowing that I have a specific part of him that no one else has. Liking to be touched and held and getting special notes and messages and talking and having intellectual conversations are the way that I love. Being able to trust someone with all my thoughts and feelings  makes me feel happy and secure. And in turn of course I try and love him in the same manner, but it is not successful because he doesn't love the same way that I do. But should you go so far as to say that I love him more? Well maybe that idea comes from the fact that some people don't try to love the other the way that they need to be loved which comes off that they love the other less. Because honestly what does it look like for one to say they love someone, but are not willing to make them happy? "I love you so much that I am going to make you be the way that I am!" That's not love, thats selfish. So maybe thats what they mean. Best case scenario, both people are understanding of the differences in each other's needs and are willing to meet them wholeheartedly. But what about the cases where they don't know their own needs in order to tell the other person. That is common for me right now. Since we are so young there are things about ourself we have yet to figure out and things that are bound to change as time goes on. But it can be a positive thing, after time goes on, knowing that you have been patient and loving enough to stick it through with this person and have watched them grow into the person you love. Unfortunately though, this does not always happen and sometimes people change and are no longer compatible. In that case the two can either chose to let maturity take over and cover what common interest doesn't or agree to disagree and dissolve the relationship as friends before it is too late. Though I hope for the first scenario for all in this predicament, it does not always happen so. Taking into account human nature and the fact that not all people follow the golden rule and not all people are considerate to how other people feel, then it can be safe to say that in some relationships there may exist an un equal balance of love between the two. And then, some people just don't know how to love, or how the show the love they have and that can come across as an absence of love but may not be true. Most men have a problem showing their emotions but that doesn't mean they don't have them. I have heard a few times from my husband that he has a hard time receiving my love and affection because he doesn't know how or how to respond to it. But over time he has been learning and becoming more comfortable with me displaying my affection without all the cringing. It wasn't that he didn't like me, he just wasn't used to it. And what I learned is that men have the same emotional needs that women do and that I should not neglect them because of his inability to understand them himself. That is a part of love that most people don't recognize that needs to be filled. Being with someone gives you the opportunity to help one another reach their full potential. And by helping the other see things in them that can help them for the better is what gives the relationship value over time. You have to invest in one another in time, emotions and, intellect. This gives way to a side thought that I had about how adults tell children and teens when they claim to be in love that they are not. "You are too young to be in love", they would say as if being a certain age is all it takes to be eligible for love. Well I disagree. (obviously since I married they guy I met in high school, and believe I fell in love at 15). I don't feel its age, but a matter of experience. And not that type of experience. But at that age I knew and had known for some time what I wanted out a relationship. I knew what I wanted out of it and also what I wanted to give to it. I loved the idea of serving the other and learning all the little things that make them happy. I thought more about what I wanted to give than what I wanted to receive and I enjoyed it. I knew and was comfortable in myself to understand that I am a loyal and committed person and even at 14 and 15 I knew I didn't want to date anyone that I couldn't see myself with for the rest of my life, and though that may have been a lot of pressure for some my age to grasp and commit to, it didn't intimidate me and all I needed was the one who was willing to go to bat with me. And I found it. And no our relationship wasn't perfect and nor did I expect it to be, well at times I did. But we were still fairly young and still had a lot to learn. Learn about life and about ourselves. But that's what I wanted. I wanted to have grown up with the person I would spend my life with. Learning one another and learning life together. I wanted a best friend that I could grow old with and share my life with. But there are adults that may not be that mature and have that level of understanding about their needs and wants and can be less prepared to be in a relationship that someone younger. Adults can be unforgiving and unrealistic and have too high of expectations and focus on the wrong things. They can have this super long list of things that the other person must have without any regard to what they themselves need to be. They create a long list of do not's based on past relationships and the cycle beings. Sometimes that innocence and naivety works to the advantage of young people because we just jump in and have no time for precautions and even after being hurt can still have a sense of  resilience that keeps us hopeful for the next. Now consistent hurt and pain takes a toll on the best of us over time but overall being young has its advantage. To wrap up my thoughts, I think that the idea can be true for some, and not for others. Ideally in a relationship I hope that both love each other equally in the sense that they are aware of and willing to meet the others needs affectionately and regularly. And that starts with each knowing themselves personally, something that being young may not be best at handling only because we are still young and whatever we do know of ourselves at the time may change because we are still learning who we are and who we want to be. But after that, its all just a matter of acceptance. Accepting who you are and who your partner is and not trying to change them. I think it is easy to get discouraged when you feel you are finding out things about them you never knew and you don't like them or you don't think you can get past them because they are so unlike yours. I know I came to this point and even though we had four years together before we married, once we moved in together it seemed like every little thing was the end of the world. Somehow it seemed to be more pressure. More pressure to be right, for things to be right, to be heard and to be understood cause I just didn't want anything to go wrong. But all that added pressure didn't help us to say the least. And in the time when we should be an unbreakable team, I was losing his trust by being over critical of the things he did that I didn't understand and that were foreign to me. But being loving and accepting is a choice. A daily choice that must be made by both people each and everyday. I think the idea of loving one more or less is stupid. Its just absurd. Yes I think it exists and is true for many people, but no I don't think that it should. Love is not selfish, and that idea is based on fear and selfishness. Everyone wants to be loved and to know that someone loves them who is willing to meet their needs and learn what they need and want to do them lovingly, but unfortunately not everyone is that mature and prepared to do so, and that is where the fear comes in. The logic is understandable, but it doesn't make it okay. It is selfish and cowardly to live that way and base a relationship off of that and that is sad. All of this is probably why marriage and serious relationships should be conserved until the two are mature enough to understand what they are getting into so that they don't back off when things get hard or base their actions off of how they feel and their emotions. And that is something even I am still learning. I can't lie it is a hard concept to grasp to say the least. But I know that I will continue to try and work at it because I know that I don't want to have a fear based marriage. So I challenge you to join me in this, to love fearlessly and unselfishly no matter what it looks like, and how the one you are loving responds (kinda like Jesus...) to be so in love with love, that it becomes a daily response to be loving and caring just for the act, that way the response won't sway you, whether positive or negative. And that's my motto. 

Opposites Attract...

On our way to school this morning my husband started an interesting, and sort of odd conversation.  He had been looking on facebook and saw a guy he used to know from school and he began to describe to me this guy's personality and what he was doing with himself and goes on to say that this guy would be someone that he could see me with.  And he brings up something that my mom used to tell me, she would say that she didnt see me marrying a man in my race, and it always struck me as weird that she would say that, and now that he is agreeing with it as my husband, HUSBAND as in, I've already made my choice with him lol! But I could understand and even agree with the reasons that he had come up with, because he said that our personalities were similar.  They guy is going to law school and is really smart, and the fact that we have opposite backgrounds would be interesting to me, since I like learning and doing new things and the things that I do that are specific to my culture would intrigue him likewise whereas in our marriage that rarely happens.  And he also felt that just someone with the the kind of personalility like me, being a little outgoing, but still having an exclusiveness would fit his.  And I wondered what got him going on this, it was an interesting conversation nonetheless which made me think of our personalities and how it effects our relationship.  I'll start with him, and what I have noticed so far is that:
*He is very friendly, and sociable, moreso than me.  He can have people over and around him 24/7 and not be bothered at all and this shows in how he once wanted to share an apartment with some friends of ours that are recently married and it totally fits his personality because being around other people doesnt really bother him, quite the opposite.
*He doesn't seem to stay focused on one thing, and this shows up a lot when we are having a conversation.  He is easily distracted and stops mid sentence/thought very often
*He has a really laid back personality.  Nothing ever really bothers him, and you always wonder (or I always wonder) what to do to get into that inner-part of him, that no one else knows. He doesnt seem to be as hard to figure as I try to make him out to be.  I feel like there are alot of times that I look for a deeper meaning in his words or actions, when there is none, its just what it is, which is still a concept of him I am getting used to.
*He loves to help people.  No matter who they are, and this goes hand in hand with his friendly-ness.  He can be friends with practically anyone, and he loves to help other people solve their problems and give them advice and is very loyal to helping out his friends
*He is extremely kind and giving.  If he has it, its yours
*He is very confident and charismatic
*He is smart, especially in logical thinking areas
*He is emotionally mature-he can separate his feelings from things he has to do
*He rarely ever complains about anything (i guess thats the same as nothing really bothering him...)
*When he tries, he has the ability to make anyone, especially me feel like they are on top of the world
*He is very loyal, and determined.  I can count on one hand the number of things he has quit.  I can also count on one hand the number of things he has started, which can be said that when he does something he does it well, and consistantly.  If he likes it today, he'll like it tomorrow
*He is a morning person- enough said
*He forgives/forget easily. because of one the other is possible and it depends upon the situation which happens first
Me on the other hand, I am not sure if I am opposite, but we'll see:
*I am a night person, as in I like to stay up late, but I would rather get up early to work so that I can enjoy my favorite time of day
*I would consider myself a deep person, a lot of what I do and how I do things have meaning or purpose, ussually to learn something about me or other people.
*I day dream a lot- take from it what you will
*I like to talk, but not in a way that I like to hear myself talk, no beacauase I am a quiet person too.  But I lile conversation.  I enjoy a good conversation, which lately my sensitivtity to things has cost me some good conversations
*I am optimistic and sometimes niave.  I assume the best of people and even sometimes assume that others share my thoughts and reasonings on similar things when in fact, they do not
*I easily forgive. And i think thats something I have always done just beause whats done is done and I dont like to think the worst in people.  If i dont forgive you that means that I am consciously deciding to view you in a negative way each and every time I see you, and that would contradict my earlier quality.
*I am a hopeless romantic.  I love love.  I love being in love and having someone to love and that is something that I consider to be a great oppurtunity.  That was I think a really big factor that I have lost sight of over some time.  I wasnt a nagging and complaining person until I stopped being grateful for love.  Somehow this quality about me is embedded in my core, beause just the thought of it makes me grateful and happy and i dont know what else.  But I know that was most attractive to my husband when we were dating.  Because that gratefulness ignites in me another quality:
*I love to serve people.  Especially the people I love.  I love knowing what I can do to make thier day, thats why I remember birthdays and buy presents specific to thier iterests and listen and respond to the little things that they themselves may not remember they said.  And I have always been that way too.
*I am family oriented.  I would love to have a big family, I love, love, love children. Watching their mannerisms and personalities develop with thier little voices and fingers! And I want to be a good mom.  It is a privilege that I am most excited for.
*I am a naturally happy person.  I am giddy and sometimes goofy and I love to laugh.
*I can be shy. Especially when I dont know you and I like to have a certain sense of reserved-ness to me, but I am still outgoing beause I dont shy away from meeting new people or going new places.
*I love to learn. I love going to school, buying new notebooks, pencils, highlighters!
*I am a neat person. I dont have to have everything perfectly clean, but I need an organized mess.
*I love a challenge.  I rarely ever enjoy something that comes too easily.
So if this wasnt at all interesting to you I apologize, but it was extremely helpful to me! Though I am not sure if my husband and I can be considered opposites, I do realize that a lot of your ways are different. And the question ends up being, not how this person can change and how you can build a life around them being what you want them to be, but how you can love them for them. I fell in love with him and I don't believe that he has changed much. There may be some things that he has stopped doing, or started doing differently but characteristically if I look at it, I will notice that he hasn't really changed and if I was able to love him once before, then it shouldn't be that hard to continue to love him. But its not the case in most instances.  Why does that change? Is it that over time people become more and more comfortable to vent and express their dissatisfaction? Or that people's expectations grow more and more and they demand more from the other? Why don't we stay the same in our expectations of our partners? I guess expectations aren't a bad thing its just when those expectations become bigger than the reasons you have to be grateful for. I'm sure if I thought about the things I am going to complain about before I actually say them and think about their importance in respect to all the other things I could focus on, I almost guarantee that it would save me many arguments. So why do it? I don't know, I guess you just don't want to feel like the person is getting away with something no matter how small it is, but on the other hand when it comes to ourselves, we expect grace and mercy when it's  on our hands. We judge people off of their actions yet want them to judge us off of our intentions, which isn't fair to say the least. We should give people to same respect, courtesy, and grace we ourselves would want. We should, but yet we don't. So, should opposites try and make it work, even if they have few things in common, or maybe opposites have many values in common which attracts them to one another, yet opposite ways of doing things? Idk, I think it could be both but I see know reason in such differences to say that two people shouldn't be together. That is up to them and their level of maturity to stick it out and make it work. Most times opposites can create a diversity that adds value to the relationship and in turn creates a preference for someone who is not like you because you like the possibilities it creates. Do I think we are opposites, my husband and I? No. I think overall we have the same goals in mind and the same values, but we do differ significantly on various other areas even in our personalities. But when I look at it for the value it creates rather than how it can negatively effect us, I give myself the opportunity to add a new aspect to my life. I mean, isn't that the point of marriage? To fall in love with someone who completes you? What's the fun in someone giving you what you already have. I think sometimes people can view differences negatively but think selfishly to expect the other to embrace and accept their ways. You know that you love someone when you can say that you love them for all the things that they bring and not for what you hope to make them out to be. And that's a hard concept, but a much needed one to grasp.

Are Matches Really Made in Heaven??

So, you hear it all the time. When you see two people that are really good together, they say "They were made for one another!"  And maybe even you have felt it.  The feeling that this person is the only one for you. But then, how can that be for those who've lost a loved one and re-married, or for people who've suffered a divorce and find love again?  Is there an exception to the rule, or is the rule contradicting all in all?  That is what I had been thinking about today, and just wanted to explore my thoughts on.  Of course I asked my husbands opinion and he doesnt share the romantic view that I do.  He feels that based on personalities and likes and dislikes two people are drawn together and based on maturity and determination they make it last, but in the events that it doesn't, then it is possible to move on and find another.  So it got me thinking about my own views and caused me to challenge it and to try and find a more defined answer to the question: is there someone for everyone, and is there just one? In a way, I think that there is one person for everyone, that there is a such thing as a soulmate.  In my case, I see the reasons that I need my husband, why we work. What makes us, US.  At first these things are intriguing to the other, but after a while we can start to take them for granted. For instance, I am naturally a quiet person until you get to know me, but in the same respect, I love to talk. In the nature of having conversations, not just to hear myself say things.  But my husband on the other hand is the opposite. He is very friendly and outgoing and social right off the bat and can make friends with any one, but then once he gets to know a person he talks less and less.  Now, I wish I could say what the key is to making something like this work between such people, but I don't know yet because that is something we have yet to work out fully.  We just have to respect one another's strengths and differences and be careful not to "crush" the other's opinions and ways of doing simply because it differs from our own. I am a "learner", I like to explore and find out how things work and why, and in a matter of relationships, how people are and why so that I can be successful in dealing with them appropriately according to their personality.  One of the ways I do this is by talking. Now, to my husband who can become a quieter person with time, this "talking" come off to him in a way that makes him feel that I am nagging at him and complaining to him about whatever, when in fact I am only out to learn, I am not frustrated, or angry, just curious and eager to know what makes him tick.  Well to say the least I was very surprised to find that the manner in which I communicate, and in which I have always communicated, will not work in this relationship.  It is simply counterproductive in my efforts to reach a common ground with him and in most cases ends up making matters worse. So what do I do? Well, I try to reconstruct my approach, not bringing things up in the heat of the moment that could cause tension. I know that whatever I say (that is not obviously positive or on a positive note) I have a certain window of time before his mind shuts off to what I am saying entirely, which has made me think and decided which details are most important and to say it in a non-threatening and precise manner where it can be best received. Another aspect of my personality is that I take things pretty literally, and seriously unless I can clearly tell that it's supposed to be a joke. My husbands sense of humor, is not one in which I can always tell when he is joking and often leads to hurt feelings and annoyance of those feelings from both parties.  From that I can learn to loosen up a bit, and he can learn to be a bit more sensitive and thoughtful as to how he may come off to people.  So, tackling my husbands point of view on "matches made in heaven", and integrating it into mine I come up with this: All people are capable for the most part, to have a successful relationship with anyone, because it all boils down to their willingness to participate, and to keep participating in the relationship wholeheartedly.  Just because two people have similar interest and could have an effortless relationship doesn't guarantee that either of them will do what ever measure of effort is needed to make that happen. And vice versa.  That's where love comes to play. Do you love this person? For their good and their bad.  My mom used to say a phrase "loving their dirty underwear".  Now that sounds pretty gross and I never understood it until now.  How you can still get that "love" feeling- not to be confused with butterflies and heart stopping ooey-gooey stuff, but feeling when you know you love them while seeing them at their worst, or their dirty underwear in this case.  If you can think of their smile, or their laugh or whatever it is that gets you going about them in the middle of your WORST argument, and cant help but to smile back and love them, then thats it. That's all that matters.  At least that's how I know for myself personally that I am where I am supposed to be. Because there is just some crap that I just could not see myself doing if it were for another, because it's not meant for another.  I couldn't stay up late keeping score and actively engaging in a Call-of-Duty game for anyone else. I couldn't go to a movie and pass up a romantic comedy for a satirical irony film for someone other than him.  And because I love him I want to.  It makes me want to, because I want him. I can't lie though, that it is easy to lose sight of that, and what a person means to you when you get caught up in all the annoying things that you let bother you, because it is a choice. I don't think that the annoying little habits that get under my skin now were hiding all this time. I just chose not to focus on them. He was and always will be a know-it-all who's always right, and I love that know-it-all. Patience and grace and humbleness, and servanthood are qualities that are most essential and powerful in a relationship. At least in mine. The hardest thing though is to continue to practice these things when the other is not. It is easy to love someone and be kind and forgiving when they do the same for you, but not so easy when they are not. We have the need for self-preservation while forgetting that we gave up self, for US.  Ideally in a perfect world, the wife would be more concerned about meeting her husband's needs than her own while never having to worry about her own because he's equally concerned about her needs. But it doesn't always work that way. Often times, one person becomes much too dependent on the other expecting them to meet needs no one human can meet alone.  This fulfillment does not replace personal responsibility to oneself to achieve goals and reach dreams, or replace the need for Christ as a savior.  The lack thereof of a spouse doing his or her part should not be detrimental so much so that the person on the other end is incompetent and incapable of moving along with daily activities. It is hard though not to get so caught up in the serving of another that you neglect yourself personally, and that is something I have been guilty of and yes, that does take a toll on the relationship. If you stop investing in the things that make you a healthy and lovable you, your level of attractiveness to your spouse dwindles. After all, they loved you, and married you, so they want you, and you cannot forget the thins that makes you you. (I am speaking to myself here, so if you cannot relate, skim on until you find something of interest). I have seen this happen in my own personal life which adds another level of importance to my journey to self-discovery and understanding, because my husband and eventually children benefit from it also.  Whether people make relationships and marriages work the first time around or the third, they all reach the same point.  The point at which the feeling is gone, the problems are real and the question is raised: are we right for each other. And honestly that is a personal question. Most times you can make it work. There are special cases for everything, too many to name so this is not absolute. But in anything you have to make the choice to stay no matter what. Whatever it takes. If I have to carry around a list of things that genuinely make me love him and pull it out each and every time i feel an argument coming on, or I feel as if I need to complain, or whatever. Sometimes its just not worth it. Not worth compromising the peace and taking away the joy. My husband is not prince charming. Yes, he is charming, but he is real. Which means he is imperfect and will let me down, numerously.  But yet I can love him, and he can love me. And in realizing that we are both merely human we can enjoy each other in our imperfect-ness and reshape and reform ourselves from two separate pieces to one bigger, better piece, still not perfect, but perfectly right for and with one another so much so, that it seems that the heavens planned for them to be together in the first place.

A Journey to Self-Discovery Starts With A Look Into the Past...

So, when figuring out who you are where do you start? Your parents, your friends, other family members? Maybe, but if you yourself are unsure of who you are, how much more could they know? So my first theory on how to find out "who" I am ( saying that phrase makes me feel so lost and clueless somehow...) was to try a bunch of different activities to determine whether or not I liked them, and a variety of other means that would otherwise seems as though I am "dating" mayself, which sounds lame when you say it aloud, but whatever.  The problem with the method as I came to see, was that the approach it takes is one that assumes that eveything that I had ever done "before" this self-discovery just doesnt count, and is only concerned with the "after".  But now I am starting to think otherwise.  So I am now trying to pull from my memory specific events, titles, activities, friendships, interests and so forth that can tell me about me, beause I have always been what I am, I am just trying to understand who I am, so it is not at all as if I am lost, just maybe undiscovered??? Yea, I'll run with that.  So looking back on all those personality sheets, and books and worksheets I've filled out over the years, (which first off, the fact that I still have them tells me that I like to keep stuff. Why? I dont know, maybe for times like this! So for one I am an archiver, sort of...) So looking at those questions of whats your favorite color and book and stuff like that I see some commonalities.  One, I have always liked to read. Two, my favorite color has almost never stayed the same, but more specifically I have never really had only one at a time, they were always in variations.  In the fourth grade I liked navy and purple, in the seventh grade I liked pink and brown, which tells me that I enjoy things like colors more when they are associated with others that compliment the other... i guess, or maybe im just making that up, but it sounds nice so I'll keep it.  But I find the color thing funny because now, my favorite colors are yellow and gray and I had never really thought of how I pick colors and not one color.  Something my mom used to say to me a lot was that it was hard for her to find me things that I liked becuase it always changed! I can say that I never really liked a certain character like barbie, or who ever.  I liked toys and I had barbies, but I wasnt specific to any one kind where as my sister has always like tweety bird for example.  I did like mickey mouse for a time but it was never a fixation.  Some of the other things that pretty much stayed the same throughout time was my favorite subject: english. Least favorite varied between math and history, eventually settling to history with science staying saftely in the middle.  Hobbies were: reading, which is still true, just not as much as it used to be, singing.. uh not nearly as much as I used to, writing, well that is self explanitory, but I dont do that as much, I used to journal every day, now I do it maybe a few times a month if that, and I used to write short stories and poems which I havents since my junior year of high school, but my blogging is making up some ground.  Other things I liked to do was watch movies, and coloring and stuff like that.  I didnt meet a friend that I would have for a while untitl I was in the sixth grade, which is also the time where I stopped transfering schools and stayed in one district and she and I are still friends.  I didnt have many sleepovers or go to any parties and my social life in middle and high school was below average compared to the other kids I knew, so with that I'd have to improvise.  Somethings I would have liked to do in high school would have been to play tennis and to be on the dance team, and I really wanted to be on National Honors Society, I made honor roll and Renaissance most often but at my school you had to be nominated and all that other good stuff to be on NHS.  I was pretty active in other areas though like on STAR which was basically like an advisory board for at risk kids and I was on the executive board for that and went out of town a lot.  I was really close to many of my teachers and was good at making lasting relationships with them. I planned on going away to school after high school and graduating early.  I did graduate early, but I didnt go away to school, and now, a year from then this is where I am.  I am working a retail job, and married, and going to school for nursing.  I volunteer at a local hospital for my work study and during the school year I am pretty busy.  I tend to really challange myself and set the bar pretty high. I have always been academically smart and am a lover of a challange.  So I've looked at where I was, and Im sitting where I am now, having to decide where I want to go, and how I will get there.  Its only really been a year since I was a "kid".  Since I was in high school and I felt like the world was my oyster, but it feels much longer, and I have to keep reminding myself that I am still young, I am still capable, but somehow I have forgotten. Even the simplest of concepts.  I think the biggest reason is becuase I personally had stopped.  Some things I have stopped over time like my writing fell, off and eventually so did my interest, my reading.  I used to read over 50 or so books a year without effort.  And I used to feel... I cant even think of a word... able.  Or confident I guess is what I am looking for, because there were obstacles and hinderances and blockages to many things growing up that are irrelevant right now, but it never mattered.  I never saw them. I never felt incapable.  NEVER. And I can say that absolutely.  I had feeling of fear, and had problems of uncertainty of myself and confidence, but I never once felt like I couldnt.  It never crosses my mind "what if it doesnt happen?"  And when I started to try and live out my dreams and apsirations, as life does, things started to change, some for the good and some not so much.  For one thing I gained an incredible and amazingly smart, and patient husband who doenst recieve enought credit.  But I think that I let things that should have only been used as alterations, or editing techniques to my plans, become periods, not commas.  And thats what I mean when I say stopped.  I'll say my sensitivity grew as my creativity lessened and everything I took personally.  The world was out to get me and I just could not understand for the life of me WHY! Why  this was happening to me.  And it wasnt necessarily a bad thing.  I had just never encontered reality and when it came, it hit me hard.  My emotions became bigger than what was ahead of me and I lost focus all too quickly and too often.  I felt stripped of all that made me, me and was looking for something, someone to tell me it was wrong, and the re-dress me of who I thought I was and should be.  When I looked around for some kind of blue-print or example there was none. I just had to wing it.  I became more and more aware of my struggle and the lack thereof of others around me such as my husband and friends with no way to cope, no way to recover.  Part of me didnt even realize this shift until too late.  Until it had already taken a toll on my and my relationships.  I was frustrated and confused and emotional and super sensitive.  I needed a common ground.  A starting point, a constant, something that would never change, beacause there is something I have to learn and my future depends on the success of it. It was around this point that I was tired of arguing and being frustrated and unhappy and all the feelings that I felt that I had to stop and think about me.  That it is more than finding out my favorite color, or something to do with myself to keep busy or whatever.  I had to decied that I was worth searching for.  So I started a blog, because if I know one thing that I had always learned from best was from myself through writing.  How can I make this the best life possible for me? The biggest thing I can do for myself right now is to keep going. To not look at the past and compare it to now, beating myself up and making myself sad over the things I cannot get back.  How can I maximize the moment?  Because after-all no matter how much I may try, my permanant address is at Here-and-Now blvd. And my right now will change and effect my future now.  Just as simple as going to school and working hard now will eventually change to going to work and enjoying my career now. So, this is where I am.  Deep in thought and ready for reform.

A Penny for Your Thoughts...

I have a lot of random things running through my head right now, like how noticeably louder I seem to be typing than the other people in the computer lab for example.  Or how, despite it being the summer time, I have yet to have a day where I really slept in.  I love sleep.  Like, ALOT.  So much so, that all my family used to say that I would sleep my life away, but when Im awake, what is there to do?? (that I actually want to do?)  I find myself looking forward alot, and to most people that is a step up from looking backwards I guess, but I rarely ever take the time to focus on right now, except for right now and Im not exactly sure why.  The top five things that have been on my mind the past few days are: money- how I need to save it, but want to spend it. What I want to spend my money on: a macbook pro and a proffesional camera, a new scrapbook, dance lessons, paint for the kitchen, a bookshelf, new tennis shoes and underwear and jeans and dresses for the summer, fall clothes like boots and sweaters and jackets (which I LOVE jackets and boots btw) and HATS! and fingernail polish and the fourth of july and barbeque and camping and tv and new books to read...... yea it goes on and on and on and ON!  and I just love it!  Sometimes just thinking of something and dreaming of it is enough to tide me over until I can actually get it.  The camera that I really want is 700 macarooni's that I do not have, and probably will never have with the job that I have, which brings me to the third top thing on my mind: the job I just put in an application for this past saturday.  It is for a CNA position at a nursing home which would be perfect for me with my school schedule because I could work only weekends and still have 40 hours working double shifts and I would have time to study during the week to go to clinicals whenever I start them, but I dont want to get my hopes up, but its so hard not to think about it.  In this though I did realize something. ( hold your horses its not that profound,  I know you are just clutching the end of your seats!) I didnt know just how broke I was! Its almost funny actually, that I never really took the time to stop and look at ny financial situation long enough to realize the need for a new job.  I have 3 bills, just 3 and all my mnothly expenses, bills and gas equal $1025 of which my husband and I make just barely, and sometimes not even.  And over this year I have planned and talked about saving for the things I mentioned earlier and I realize now that It is just not possible.  At least not where I am now.  And I am not even mad.  Its atcually a relief almost that I dont have to feel bad, or frustrated beacuse it is truely not our faults.  We are not wrong for wanting or needing these things, and its not bad that we dont have the money (well it is kinda bad that our job sucks that much,) but not too bad.  In all of this however, I feel.... happy. Excited!  Hopeful, and elated! Because its NOT us!  Which means that when we do find those better jobs, our responsibility and faithfulness to being deciplined and not racking up debt and living beyond our means will reward us generously, and then we can save and then we can have and can do.  It may be small and minute and incomprehensible, my level of interest and  care into something that seems so small and boring, but it is part of me learning.  Learning myself and the world around me and how the two interact.  I can appreciate myself (and ok, my husband too) for being responsible when it was hard.  We didnt take out loans, or get extra bills we knew we couldnt afford and it was and still is hard! Cashing your paycheck and turning around to make out a money order for the exact amount save for 7 bucks to pay the rent and then figuring out where to get gas money so we can keep going to school and work for the next two weeks to be broke once more.  Wanting to date, but cant.  Wanting to buy a five dollar candle and cant, or a dollar soda. Hating being the friend that always bails on hangouts because your broke on payday.  (okay thinking of all of this makes me sad again...) So, anyway you get the point.  These things are so little.  So little.  But I heard last week that little, is the new BIG! :) it really is, because the little stuff makes a bigger impact than the big.  I guess because you cant see the build up, so you dont prepare for it and make room for the crash.  The less money we have the more time we spend at home, the more time we spend at home, the more tired we get of looking at one another, the more tired we grow of that, the more we pick at each other, and fuss and fight and on and on and on and all we look at is whats wrong at the time (so I guess I do focus on the right now at some point, just in the wrong instance) He's tired of me, and Im tired of him being tired of me, that sums it up.  Im sure there are other things, but I can honestly say that if we had it,- or even when we had it because we didnt start off sick of one another, we could live and spend and save comfortably.  Which brings me to my fourth/fifth major topic on my mind (you thought I forgot! thought I was just rambling with no rhyme or reason! well, yea you are right, I forgot... and then remembered again)  I know that I need to focus on the now.  But there is still value and purpose in preparing for the future.  But I dont live in the future.  It all happens now.  We live and die in the now; and upon realizing that the future never really comes, you lose that idealization that the future once held.  the mystery, the romance, and hope and possibility.  And you recognize that the power lies and always has lied (yea i dont think thats the correct tense, but whatever) in today.  and its not some magical power to turn an empty wallet into a bottomless one (yea, sorry they're still workin on that one) but its a power to find contentment and joy and happiness in the things that you yourself posses, that wont change with the seasons, or the weather or your age or economic status.  We can see that clearly.  Those that were dumb before they are rich... are yet dumb! they are just rich and dumb.  The same goes that may not possess beauty or skill.  Money helps, and it is needed, but im starting to learn that money is just a tool.  some of us have bigger toolboxes than others but we all need the creativity, the drive and the ambition to know how to use it, because it is useless without it, you will end up broke again and in the same spot.  And even those with all the money can still lack the creativity to use it.  You think Oprah gives away all that stuff because she is so nice?? Uh, No! I think she just has too much and no idea what to do with it and the more she gives away, the more she gets! She has houses, but can only sleep in one bed at a time, only occupy one bit of space in the universe at a single time and her money will outlive her.  But who is she.  Not what, or even why, but who.  I believe that who you are is constant.  It is one of the the only things in life we can count on to stay the same.  And I dont mean mannerisms, or bad choices or even personality to a degree, because those can all be formed and altered.  But a persons thoughts and feelings and ways of seeing things in life, their ability to create and destroy and do things on their own are completely unique and consistant throughout life.  Its what makes you, you! Why no two people will react the same in mind body and feeling to the same situation.  To death two women may both cry in body, but one may recluse in mind and the other exert, one experience anger in emotion and the other dispair.  There are thousands of variations or responses to one cause and even in the instances where two people experience like reactions because nothing is impossible, I still think there is a sense of individualism because thier interpretations of the event and themselves or their motives are not the same. Its time to put a leash on my thoughts now.  It was interesting to see where they would naturally run if left unnattended and I think that after some time, they begin to focus in and can be really effective and less all-over-the-place.  So I will pick up here later and continue to explore what i think about personality and how people are and all that.  *Just so you know, I can be and sometimes just as curious about my thoughts as you. I am typing as fast as I can think and as unrestricted as possible which is hard beacuse I get the feeling that I am rambling or becoming repetitive and want to narrow it in, but in the end I am happy, and excited because I can learn and see this for myself, my natural tendancy for my thoughts to sort themselves and in that I can see where I fit into my own theories as I discover what they are.  So thanks for sticking it out and getting to the end, and you are forgiven for the parts that you did skip :) until next time...

Seasons and Personalities

My favorite season has always been the summer.  Its just something about those hot days that seem to go on forever and those humid nights that make me feel all the possibilities that seem to be all around me.  So, needless to say I am excited for this summer just as I am every summer. With just 3 weeks of school left its so hard to sit through it at times but I have plenty to keep me busy.  There are just so many things I want to do this summer! I want to go out of town, go to concerts, have sleepovers and pool parties and just enjoy everything life has to offer.  I have a theory, weather has an effect on people's moods and I think I have always had a summer personality.  Warm and exciting and so nostalgic but oh so comforting. There are some people that have autumn personalities.  When I think of autumn I think of the first day school.  I love the first day of school, the elementary  ones were the best.  When you had the meet the teacher nights and ice cream socials and you went in your classrooom to see your desk with your name on the plastic nameplate in the neat handwriting of your new teaching.  Looking at the names next to yours and wondering what they were like... where they booger-eating freaks or your new best friend?  After meet the teacher night I would anticipate the day we would go back-to school shopping! Not for the new shoes, or the new clothes but for the notebooks and pencils... To this day the smell of an un-opened notebook make me smile so wide you'd think it hurts! My new highlighters to color code my notes and assignments and mechanical pencils.  My favorite school supplies.  So when I think of autumn people I always picture that kid that on the first day of school sets out to become your best friend.  The one who doesn't seem to care that they don't know your name (or in my case how to pronounce it! ) and all that maters is that you are there and you both like to swing.  I love the way as a kid you can strike up a conversation with anyone anywhere and its okay.  I think autumn people are outgoing, and courageous, and social butterflies.  When I think of spring, obviously I think of new beginnings and all the metaphorical aspects, but spring seems so optimistic to me.  Like its always so hopeful.  I picture people that are quiet and beautiful.  Who continues to unfold daily into something better and better.  The quiet soul, the artistic soul, the often forgotten but always mindful.  Its funny that I don't have a personality for winter. I know you were looking for it, but I just don't see it as a person, but more like a condition, a situation or circumstance that all three seasons need in order to be what they are. Winter is my least favorite season.  It is so pretty and amazing to look at, but so difficult to live through.  I think though that as I get older I have grown an appreciation for winter. Its easy to live and love when everything is easy and bright and summer-ish, but it takes great skill to learn how to embrace and enjoy the winter for what it is.  Instead of trying to make it out to be something its not, hotter, brighter, more eventful there is such beauty in learning to explore what it does have to offer.  To me it offers wisdom and self discovery. What else is there to do in the house but to be creative in trying to find happiness in the dreary-ness all around.  I think winter challenges all other seasons to be better, and when people learn to find and keep that happiness all round it is truly an accomplishment.  Because at that point you stop being happy because it is summer, or because you have money or because of whatever, but you are happy because you are happy!  Happiness breads happiness, it multiplies itself many times over and sometimes you have to lend it out and even borrow some at times but the more you try to keep turning it over onto itself and finding new aspects of it it breads more and more.  I've just become to appreciative for all the different types of personalities and variations thereof.  Sometimes I watch people and how they interact with other people and the things around them and its so funny!  How one person can find something so interesting while another could care less or how a person can find the smallest things a blessing while other people take them for granted.