A Beautiful Mind

Working in a hospital affords me a lot of opportunities to meet people from all walks of life, which is one of the aspects I enjoy most about it.  There is something about seeing a mother stare into her newborn baby's eyes or watching a person regain strength after an accident over their hospital stay that provides me with such gratitude and joy to witness. I have experienced many tragedies as well unfortunately as I have watch a patient battling cancer fight to live or comforted the family of a person presumed to be healthy have an unexpected illness and end up on life support. I am quite fond of the elderly and what's most devastating to me are those who develop dementia. Of all the organs of our bodies to disintegrate our minds is one of the worst.  It cannot be replaced.  It holds the very essence of who we are, our personalities, memories, dispositions and intelligence. More often that not I hear family say of a loved one with dementia that the current behavior they display is unlike normal.  A person who was throughout their life kind, gentle, and soft spoken can turn foul-mouthed, combative, and stubborn.  Likewise with the opposite. They may forget things that happened in the past commonly deaths of family or friends. Its not uncommon for them to ask for siblings or parents that have long passed away and it is heart crushing when they are informed to watch them come to that realization, especially a spouse.  A few times I have had patients talk of their deceased spouse with regret and longing wishing they were more loving and forgiving. I always take a moment to reflect on my life and to be thankful for my husband and family and I try as I live to not take as much for granted. When I sit with elderly patients I watch their mannerisms and ask questions and get to know them.  Many of them have such fascinating stories to tell of their lives and I often ask if they remember what they were doing at my age.  I ask how they met their spouses and what they did for a living. If they have lived any place outside of Saint Louis. I can see in the passing on of their stories that those pieces of them live on even after they do. I keep them with me as well as their families. Most of them don't see themselves as whatever age they are, as if old age just snuck up on them. I think of my life and how sometimes it seems I have so much left ahead of me, and then others I am aware of just how short a time it really is. Who will remember me one hundred years after my death? I think of how many generations back I can remember my ancestors and recall facets of their life and its saddening to think that after two or three I may be forgotten; that all the things I am working towards and living through and experiencing will amount to little. Who will remember my name? My love story? My life? Solomon said in Ecclesiastes 1:11 "…nobody remembers what happened yesterday. And the things that will happen tomorrow? Nobody'll remember them either. Dont count on being remembered". It is a sad truth, to think that you may possibly lose yourself at the end of your life, after all you have done and had and that regardless if you remember, no one else will in time after. Except the things which we do for Christ it is all fleeting. Even in all of this, life itself is still such a gift. Whether we are given a bad lot or a more fortunate one, it is a blessing. I am sure those who lose their minds, literally, in the end of life would still chose to live as though it was worth remembering, I would. Chapter 3 verse 13, "I have decided that there's nothing better to do than go ahead and get the most we can out of life. That's it- eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It's God's gift". So we won't be remembered. So our lives may not amount to everything we would like it to. What I take from this and from each person I cross paths with at work, is the most I can achieve, is to honor the now. To use my time and my abilities to serve and engage them, being aware of this other person, this other life and mind and to be present. When I make that connection with another person I become less aware of myself and my world and my circumstances and I am able to see differently if only for a moment. Looking outside myself makes me appreciate what I have and where I am and it challenges me in my work to offer more from myself. The fact the God is mindful of me and of each of us and that he keeps an account of our lives in perfect detail is encouraging and overwhelming- at least for me. Not only does he know, but he cares. He has the most beautiful mind. He gives us our life's tasks and finds joy in our acts of worship. It is because of him that I am significant. 

Love & Happiness

In seven days, I will have been married for 4 years and starting my fifth.  This upcoming September will mark the eighth year that my husband and I have been dating.  Personally I still consider my September anniversary to be my "real" anniversary, though we weren't married yet because we were still committed to one another, and because it was the things we learned and endured during those first four years that built the foundation of our relationship.  I can say that the first year of marriage was harder than those following, but I am more in love with him now than I ever was.  I find myself with a new and greater appreciation for him and all he means to me.  We haven't arrived yet,  but I can honestly say that I am happy for where I am, and look forward to the future.  We have learned so much about ourselves and each other and am a glad to know that he and I both still have the other's happiness as a priority and seek to love and serve one another wholeheartedly.  I can see his efforts to love me how I need to be loved, and to listen to me and compromise when necessary.  Nothing is ever perfect, and it is evident that the progress we have made this far took work, intentional work on both our parts.  I have really had to submit myself to God and the source of many of the insecurities I had was revealed.   I had my faith in a self-created ideal of what marriage should be and who I wanted my husband to be.  I placed him in the position only a savior could fulfill and when he fell short I lost security, faith and trust in him that I never should have held him to in the first place.  I used God as a last resort, coming to him in prayer only when I wanted to vent about my husbands shortcomings and to self-righteously boast on my self, instead of being supportive of him and praying for him to be lead by God according to his plan and not my own. I held myself to a superficial and task oriented standard of what it means to be a good wife instead of looking at scripture and the needs of my husband as to how I should hold accountable. I thought if I cooked a certain number of meals and kept the house clean and remained faithful then I was  fulfilling the role as a Godly wife and was deeply hurt and offended when my husband found me lacking. Instead of being a friend and listening eagerly to the needs of his heart I condemned him, belittled him, and emotionally derailed him with my feelings and frustrations. I discouraged him from being open and honest with me about his needs and feelings and made him feel as if he had to settle for whatever behavior I saw fit. We got along fine until he told me I was wrong or that some needs we being unmet. I treated him as if he was unworthy of the effort to please him and love him the way he needed. In time such a wedge had been driven between us that it seemed hopeless at times if we would ever have the loving relationship I had hoped for.  We both wanted the same things, a loving and transparent friendship, mutual respect and trust and we wanted it with each other.  We just didn't know how to get there. It also didn't help that we lacked an adequate support system of family, friends, and a church community.  Neither of us grew seeing what a healthy christian marriage looked like so we had our own expectations and misconceptions of what is should be. In all of this I can say that God has been faithful to us. Looking back, I can see his providence working in and guiding our life even when it seemed He wasn't near. He has worked on our hearts individually and collectively and drawn us closer together. The friendship and closeness we so desperately wanted began to form once we were shown our own selves and were able to be honest with God and each other about our sins and struggles; me with self-righteousness and he with forgiveness and trust. We stopped looking at each other as an enemy to compete with keeping score and holding walls up against the other. Our hearts were softened towards each other and we felt a love for each other deeper than we had known until then.  I have a better understanding of what it means to love someone and the power of grace in marriage. I feel freedom and hope in my charge of submission to my husband instead of a weight of fear and insecurity. I recognize the need to support and pray for his strength regularly instead of as a last resort when things get bumpy. I can feel the genuine love of my husband deepening and strengthening for me as he no longer feels put down and discouraged by my actions. My opening up and acceptance of his love causes him to flourish when I reciprocate it back to him. We are still a work in progress and have much to learn but I have faith in us and am excited for the years to come.

One Hundred and Ten Things I Love

Jesus. My husband. Summer. Afternoon naps. Smoked Gouda cheese. Thrift shopping. Reading. Cuddling. The sound of rain. Pasta. Cinnamon rolls. My family. Blank paper. A clean house. A good laugh. Being tickled. Playing in the rain. Walking barefoot. A good hair day. Skirts and high heels. The library.  Commercial songs. Daydreaming. Sleeping in. French toast. The smell of clean laundry. Music. Back rubs. Candles. Writing. Cooking. Shopping. My job. Going to the movies. Fall. Boots. Staying up late. Sex. People who talk with accents. DIY projects. That my husband and I are best friends. Decorating. Finding a good deal. Spending time with my friends. The spanish language. Road trips. A good book. Painting my toenails. Five guys burgers. Going on a date. Dressing up. PB&J sandwiches. SUVs. My iPad. The way babies smell- when they are clean! A good joke. Riding in the car with my honey. That I got married young. Learning new words. Feeling pretty. Journaling. Bookshelves. Surprises. New things. Writing Utensils. Jackets. Comfy couches. Bacon. Kissing. Planning events. People watching. Adventures. Hotels. A good nights sleep. Feeling loved. Greek yogurt. A good pair of jeans. Cheesecake. Sleepovers. Dresses. Chips and dip. Air hockey. Wearing my hair in curls. Being held. My hometown. Animated movies. Accessories. Being a woman. Apple juice. Mangos. Strawberries. Reeses peanut butter cups. Making a new friend. Encouraging others. Elderly people. Walking in display homes. Christmas. Reading aloud. Blogging/journaling. Accomplishments. Loving someone and being loved back. My birthday. Ponytails. Our wedding rings. Living and growing together with my husband. Worshipping God. The smell of doctors offices. Having someone play in my hair. A good quote. Memories. Salmon. Off days.