21st Century Woman

It's no secret that the role of women has changed dramatically since the beginning of time. We have evolved from being the home makers and child bearer/rear-ers and now have gained such a distinct sense of independence and freedom apart from men and the home and from our children. We have given ourselves the ability to make a name for ourselves outside of our natural jobs to carry children and be nurturers. We can practically do anything a man can do and do try to in every aspect. And we raise our daughters to think and feel and do the same. We pass down our pride along with our recipes on being a person, a mother, and most of all a woman. But now that I am married and will be having children of my own within the next few years some of the things I have been taught I begin to question and really want to dig into and see how they have come to effect me now. One of the biggest things I wanted to explore is the way we as women are taught to view men. I know that whenever I had someone interested in me as a teen my mom would say, "all they want is sex", or "all young men think about and want is sex". And so I was trained to think that way. Whenever I wasn't with my mom even now as an adult, when a guy seems to be checking me out, I automatically think that they are only interested in sex from me and it never crosses my mind that they may be interested in me, yes because they find me physically attractive, but also to get to know me as a person. I started to sort of hate the way I automatically jumped to such conclusions and wanted to get to the root of why I did. I realized that I didn't understand men at all, and the ones who called themselves teaching me about them didn't know any more than I do, and could only teach me based off of the negative experiences they themselves have had. I am married and still wonder when my husband reaches over to hold me and gets "excited" if all he thinks of is sex and why can't he just show me non-sexual affection. But then I started thinking. We are wired differently and that is no surprise, we say it all the time how different women and men are, but I don't believe any of this comes to mind and we don't give them the benefit of the doubt when it comes to understanding them. Women have an unfair advantage when it comes to this. I believe men love sexually, but it has been so negatively regarded that we look at it as a bad thing rather than accepting that this is the way that they show affection. Not all men are uncontrollable horn dogs, but all men do love and interact sexually, it is their nature. Just as women are emotional creatures  but that doesn't mean all are crazy and unstable. Just as women can learn to control their emotions and not let them control them, so can men learn to control their sexual desires, but we have been taught that they cannot and often do not and thus expect them not to. So that causes some mis-communication on my part in my marriage which is not entirely my own fault. It would be my fault if I continued to stay in the dark and not learn to understand how my husband works. When I begin to look at his sexual desire for me as affection the same way I look at my wanting to hold and kiss him as affection then it doesn't seem so bad. It is awkward though looking at sex as a way of affection first and not as a response to an urge to be satisfied, so that takes some getting used to. But the same way I expect him to trust that I won't go and start cuddling it up with just anyone, he can expect me to know that he won't go sleeping around either. Those things are reserved for just us. I realized with the help of my husband that men have the same fears and insecurities we do as women. Just because emotions don't come naturally to them doesn't mean they wouldn't benefit from being able to express them in the same way that women can enjoy sexual activity even though it is not a first response for us either.  When we open our minds to this idea we can give way to a major learning experience. Men can teach women how to enjoy and explore their sexuality, which in turn would be beneficial for them while women can teach men how to understand their emotions and how to express them comfortably and that benefits the women by them being able to identify and relate to how she is feelings without her always having to say so. They essentially learn to speak the language of one another as it becomes common to them and makes the relationship much better. In a way, as women we have to re-teach ourselves to not expect the worse when it comes to men in this area and to be optimistic when teaching them how to get in touch with their feelings. In turn we must also be willing to fulfill his physical needs as well just as eagerly as you would want him to emotionally connect with you. The outcome most hoped for is that it becomes less and less of a chore to fulfill one another's needs and he is excited to come home and open up about his day as she is ready to temp him with a new trick she's learned. You eventually become less and less concerned about your personal needs and more involved in meeting their as your needs are being consistently met because you are equally involved in each other. It no longer becomes about you, but about them and no one is left forgotten about. Now, that is a perfect scenario but not an unreachable one. It takes both involved to be willing to learn as well as to teach.

Breaking Even

So I was reading a book by my favorite author called, "Mercy".  And in it, she expresses this concept that love is never equal in a relationship, that there is someone who always loves the other person more. And then I came across it again, either on TV or maybe from another book I'm not sure but it started me on this path thinking if this is true. I had personally never really heard this idea before, but the way that it was described in the book made it seem plausible and believable, I guess that's what makes her a good author. But the idea of that though seems harsh and sad, and what do you do when you are in that situation, finding yourself loving someone more than they love you? I mean, just the thought of that is hard to understand, but not really. In a perfect world you wouldn't have to wonder about these things, but let's face it, we don't live in a perfect world and there is no exact  measure of love in any relationship. In the book it was the husband who was portrayed to have loved his wife more. But they still had an amazing relationship. It wasn't that  the story gave way to the idea that he loved her more and she hated him, or was just uncaring all in all, but that some of his characteristics displayed the love he had for her more so than hers. This makes me wonder whether the amount of love two people have is as important as the fact that they do love. Maybe when you try and put a measure on love is when you limit it and top it off and make it a bigger deal than the initial fact of. But there is no right or wrong way to view love, receive love, and deliver love. There is no standard and universal way to do either, so each and everyone has their own way to converse in the love language. So what seems special and appropriate to one doesn't mean that it would be accepted among all. So when you love someone truly you have to learn to love them the way the need to be loved, not the way you want to be loved, or how you think they should be loved. Putting in the time and effort needed to learn what and how they need the things they need to feel loved otherwise, the love you feel won't be received and vice versa. In the context of my own marriage I am an emotional person. I speak by touch and by words and gestures. I like to feel exclusive, that I have attention that is only directed towards me. Knowing that I have a specific part of him that no one else has. Liking to be touched and held and getting special notes and messages and talking and having intellectual conversations are the way that I love. Being able to trust someone with all my thoughts and feelings  makes me feel happy and secure. And in turn of course I try and love him in the same manner, but it is not successful because he doesn't love the same way that I do. But should you go so far as to say that I love him more? Well maybe that idea comes from the fact that some people don't try to love the other the way that they need to be loved which comes off that they love the other less. Because honestly what does it look like for one to say they love someone, but are not willing to make them happy? "I love you so much that I am going to make you be the way that I am!" That's not love, thats selfish. So maybe thats what they mean. Best case scenario, both people are understanding of the differences in each other's needs and are willing to meet them wholeheartedly. But what about the cases where they don't know their own needs in order to tell the other person. That is common for me right now. Since we are so young there are things about ourself we have yet to figure out and things that are bound to change as time goes on. But it can be a positive thing, after time goes on, knowing that you have been patient and loving enough to stick it through with this person and have watched them grow into the person you love. Unfortunately though, this does not always happen and sometimes people change and are no longer compatible. In that case the two can either chose to let maturity take over and cover what common interest doesn't or agree to disagree and dissolve the relationship as friends before it is too late. Though I hope for the first scenario for all in this predicament, it does not always happen so. Taking into account human nature and the fact that not all people follow the golden rule and not all people are considerate to how other people feel, then it can be safe to say that in some relationships there may exist an un equal balance of love between the two. And then, some people just don't know how to love, or how the show the love they have and that can come across as an absence of love but may not be true. Most men have a problem showing their emotions but that doesn't mean they don't have them. I have heard a few times from my husband that he has a hard time receiving my love and affection because he doesn't know how or how to respond to it. But over time he has been learning and becoming more comfortable with me displaying my affection without all the cringing. It wasn't that he didn't like me, he just wasn't used to it. And what I learned is that men have the same emotional needs that women do and that I should not neglect them because of his inability to understand them himself. That is a part of love that most people don't recognize that needs to be filled. Being with someone gives you the opportunity to help one another reach their full potential. And by helping the other see things in them that can help them for the better is what gives the relationship value over time. You have to invest in one another in time, emotions and, intellect. This gives way to a side thought that I had about how adults tell children and teens when they claim to be in love that they are not. "You are too young to be in love", they would say as if being a certain age is all it takes to be eligible for love. Well I disagree. (obviously since I married they guy I met in high school, and believe I fell in love at 15). I don't feel its age, but a matter of experience. And not that type of experience. But at that age I knew and had known for some time what I wanted out a relationship. I knew what I wanted out of it and also what I wanted to give to it. I loved the idea of serving the other and learning all the little things that make them happy. I thought more about what I wanted to give than what I wanted to receive and I enjoyed it. I knew and was comfortable in myself to understand that I am a loyal and committed person and even at 14 and 15 I knew I didn't want to date anyone that I couldn't see myself with for the rest of my life, and though that may have been a lot of pressure for some my age to grasp and commit to, it didn't intimidate me and all I needed was the one who was willing to go to bat with me. And I found it. And no our relationship wasn't perfect and nor did I expect it to be, well at times I did. But we were still fairly young and still had a lot to learn. Learn about life and about ourselves. But that's what I wanted. I wanted to have grown up with the person I would spend my life with. Learning one another and learning life together. I wanted a best friend that I could grow old with and share my life with. But there are adults that may not be that mature and have that level of understanding about their needs and wants and can be less prepared to be in a relationship that someone younger. Adults can be unforgiving and unrealistic and have too high of expectations and focus on the wrong things. They can have this super long list of things that the other person must have without any regard to what they themselves need to be. They create a long list of do not's based on past relationships and the cycle beings. Sometimes that innocence and naivety works to the advantage of young people because we just jump in and have no time for precautions and even after being hurt can still have a sense of  resilience that keeps us hopeful for the next. Now consistent hurt and pain takes a toll on the best of us over time but overall being young has its advantage. To wrap up my thoughts, I think that the idea can be true for some, and not for others. Ideally in a relationship I hope that both love each other equally in the sense that they are aware of and willing to meet the others needs affectionately and regularly. And that starts with each knowing themselves personally, something that being young may not be best at handling only because we are still young and whatever we do know of ourselves at the time may change because we are still learning who we are and who we want to be. But after that, its all just a matter of acceptance. Accepting who you are and who your partner is and not trying to change them. I think it is easy to get discouraged when you feel you are finding out things about them you never knew and you don't like them or you don't think you can get past them because they are so unlike yours. I know I came to this point and even though we had four years together before we married, once we moved in together it seemed like every little thing was the end of the world. Somehow it seemed to be more pressure. More pressure to be right, for things to be right, to be heard and to be understood cause I just didn't want anything to go wrong. But all that added pressure didn't help us to say the least. And in the time when we should be an unbreakable team, I was losing his trust by being over critical of the things he did that I didn't understand and that were foreign to me. But being loving and accepting is a choice. A daily choice that must be made by both people each and everyday. I think the idea of loving one more or less is stupid. Its just absurd. Yes I think it exists and is true for many people, but no I don't think that it should. Love is not selfish, and that idea is based on fear and selfishness. Everyone wants to be loved and to know that someone loves them who is willing to meet their needs and learn what they need and want to do them lovingly, but unfortunately not everyone is that mature and prepared to do so, and that is where the fear comes in. The logic is understandable, but it doesn't make it okay. It is selfish and cowardly to live that way and base a relationship off of that and that is sad. All of this is probably why marriage and serious relationships should be conserved until the two are mature enough to understand what they are getting into so that they don't back off when things get hard or base their actions off of how they feel and their emotions. And that is something even I am still learning. I can't lie it is a hard concept to grasp to say the least. But I know that I will continue to try and work at it because I know that I don't want to have a fear based marriage. So I challenge you to join me in this, to love fearlessly and unselfishly no matter what it looks like, and how the one you are loving responds (kinda like Jesus...) to be so in love with love, that it becomes a daily response to be loving and caring just for the act, that way the response won't sway you, whether positive or negative. And that's my motto. 

Opposites Attract...

On our way to school this morning my husband started an interesting, and sort of odd conversation.  He had been looking on facebook and saw a guy he used to know from school and he began to describe to me this guy's personality and what he was doing with himself and goes on to say that this guy would be someone that he could see me with.  And he brings up something that my mom used to tell me, she would say that she didnt see me marrying a man in my race, and it always struck me as weird that she would say that, and now that he is agreeing with it as my husband, HUSBAND as in, I've already made my choice with him lol! But I could understand and even agree with the reasons that he had come up with, because he said that our personalities were similar.  They guy is going to law school and is really smart, and the fact that we have opposite backgrounds would be interesting to me, since I like learning and doing new things and the things that I do that are specific to my culture would intrigue him likewise whereas in our marriage that rarely happens.  And he also felt that just someone with the the kind of personalility like me, being a little outgoing, but still having an exclusiveness would fit his.  And I wondered what got him going on this, it was an interesting conversation nonetheless which made me think of our personalities and how it effects our relationship.  I'll start with him, and what I have noticed so far is that:
*He is very friendly, and sociable, moreso than me.  He can have people over and around him 24/7 and not be bothered at all and this shows in how he once wanted to share an apartment with some friends of ours that are recently married and it totally fits his personality because being around other people doesnt really bother him, quite the opposite.
*He doesn't seem to stay focused on one thing, and this shows up a lot when we are having a conversation.  He is easily distracted and stops mid sentence/thought very often
*He has a really laid back personality.  Nothing ever really bothers him, and you always wonder (or I always wonder) what to do to get into that inner-part of him, that no one else knows. He doesnt seem to be as hard to figure as I try to make him out to be.  I feel like there are alot of times that I look for a deeper meaning in his words or actions, when there is none, its just what it is, which is still a concept of him I am getting used to.
*He loves to help people.  No matter who they are, and this goes hand in hand with his friendly-ness.  He can be friends with practically anyone, and he loves to help other people solve their problems and give them advice and is very loyal to helping out his friends
*He is extremely kind and giving.  If he has it, its yours
*He is very confident and charismatic
*He is smart, especially in logical thinking areas
*He is emotionally mature-he can separate his feelings from things he has to do
*He rarely ever complains about anything (i guess thats the same as nothing really bothering him...)
*When he tries, he has the ability to make anyone, especially me feel like they are on top of the world
*He is very loyal, and determined.  I can count on one hand the number of things he has quit.  I can also count on one hand the number of things he has started, which can be said that when he does something he does it well, and consistantly.  If he likes it today, he'll like it tomorrow
*He is a morning person- enough said
*He forgives/forget easily. because of one the other is possible and it depends upon the situation which happens first
Me on the other hand, I am not sure if I am opposite, but we'll see:
*I am a night person, as in I like to stay up late, but I would rather get up early to work so that I can enjoy my favorite time of day
*I would consider myself a deep person, a lot of what I do and how I do things have meaning or purpose, ussually to learn something about me or other people.
*I day dream a lot- take from it what you will
*I like to talk, but not in a way that I like to hear myself talk, no beacauase I am a quiet person too.  But I lile conversation.  I enjoy a good conversation, which lately my sensitivtity to things has cost me some good conversations
*I am optimistic and sometimes niave.  I assume the best of people and even sometimes assume that others share my thoughts and reasonings on similar things when in fact, they do not
*I easily forgive. And i think thats something I have always done just beause whats done is done and I dont like to think the worst in people.  If i dont forgive you that means that I am consciously deciding to view you in a negative way each and every time I see you, and that would contradict my earlier quality.
*I am a hopeless romantic.  I love love.  I love being in love and having someone to love and that is something that I consider to be a great oppurtunity.  That was I think a really big factor that I have lost sight of over some time.  I wasnt a nagging and complaining person until I stopped being grateful for love.  Somehow this quality about me is embedded in my core, beause just the thought of it makes me grateful and happy and i dont know what else.  But I know that was most attractive to my husband when we were dating.  Because that gratefulness ignites in me another quality:
*I love to serve people.  Especially the people I love.  I love knowing what I can do to make thier day, thats why I remember birthdays and buy presents specific to thier iterests and listen and respond to the little things that they themselves may not remember they said.  And I have always been that way too.
*I am family oriented.  I would love to have a big family, I love, love, love children. Watching their mannerisms and personalities develop with thier little voices and fingers! And I want to be a good mom.  It is a privilege that I am most excited for.
*I am a naturally happy person.  I am giddy and sometimes goofy and I love to laugh.
*I can be shy. Especially when I dont know you and I like to have a certain sense of reserved-ness to me, but I am still outgoing beause I dont shy away from meeting new people or going new places.
*I love to learn. I love going to school, buying new notebooks, pencils, highlighters!
*I am a neat person. I dont have to have everything perfectly clean, but I need an organized mess.
*I love a challenge.  I rarely ever enjoy something that comes too easily.
So if this wasnt at all interesting to you I apologize, but it was extremely helpful to me! Though I am not sure if my husband and I can be considered opposites, I do realize that a lot of your ways are different. And the question ends up being, not how this person can change and how you can build a life around them being what you want them to be, but how you can love them for them. I fell in love with him and I don't believe that he has changed much. There may be some things that he has stopped doing, or started doing differently but characteristically if I look at it, I will notice that he hasn't really changed and if I was able to love him once before, then it shouldn't be that hard to continue to love him. But its not the case in most instances.  Why does that change? Is it that over time people become more and more comfortable to vent and express their dissatisfaction? Or that people's expectations grow more and more and they demand more from the other? Why don't we stay the same in our expectations of our partners? I guess expectations aren't a bad thing its just when those expectations become bigger than the reasons you have to be grateful for. I'm sure if I thought about the things I am going to complain about before I actually say them and think about their importance in respect to all the other things I could focus on, I almost guarantee that it would save me many arguments. So why do it? I don't know, I guess you just don't want to feel like the person is getting away with something no matter how small it is, but on the other hand when it comes to ourselves, we expect grace and mercy when it's  on our hands. We judge people off of their actions yet want them to judge us off of our intentions, which isn't fair to say the least. We should give people to same respect, courtesy, and grace we ourselves would want. We should, but yet we don't. So, should opposites try and make it work, even if they have few things in common, or maybe opposites have many values in common which attracts them to one another, yet opposite ways of doing things? Idk, I think it could be both but I see know reason in such differences to say that two people shouldn't be together. That is up to them and their level of maturity to stick it out and make it work. Most times opposites can create a diversity that adds value to the relationship and in turn creates a preference for someone who is not like you because you like the possibilities it creates. Do I think we are opposites, my husband and I? No. I think overall we have the same goals in mind and the same values, but we do differ significantly on various other areas even in our personalities. But when I look at it for the value it creates rather than how it can negatively effect us, I give myself the opportunity to add a new aspect to my life. I mean, isn't that the point of marriage? To fall in love with someone who completes you? What's the fun in someone giving you what you already have. I think sometimes people can view differences negatively but think selfishly to expect the other to embrace and accept their ways. You know that you love someone when you can say that you love them for all the things that they bring and not for what you hope to make them out to be. And that's a hard concept, but a much needed one to grasp.