Time Out

Growing up in a house of only women, the phrase "me time" was often enough used or illustrated in one way or another.  Even before I knew the meaning of the concept,  I was aware of the need to just take time out for myself. Whether it was getting lost in a book or an afternoon nap, I came to appreciate and enjoy the time I spent on my own.  My mother's favorite way to take time for herself would be to take long hot baths after my sister and I had gone to bed. She would sit and relax for hours in steaming waters by candlelight and listen to music or a sermon series and just unwind. No matter the activity, there is something healing and essential in taking time out for yourself to nourish, replenish, improve, and relax. 
I went a long while without these time outs and I started to suffer the effects way before I even realized it. I got caught up with work and worry and consumed with what was to come and needed to be done. I rarely took the time to replenish and acknowledge myself.  I had in my mind who I wanted to be and what I wanted to accomplish but it was all future tense; "someday I'll be that girl". I didn't know that in continually failing to stop and make myself a priority I was diminishing my confidence, self esteem and warping my self image. I was either looking ahead or behind at what I was or wanted to be but never once appreciating the now. It wasn't until recently, not even 24 hours ago, that I had come to understand the importance for taking time for myself. 
I started doing yoga off and on about at year ago and within the past few months I had decided it was something I actually wanted to work on and and become skilled in.  I came to understand the benefits both physically and mentally and outside of work I was looking for something else to be dedicated to. For the first time in a long time I had a goal. Even still, with my work schedule my yoga practice was still sporadic. I would make a class maybe once every two weeks but when I went I enjoyed it. I knew that I had a ways to go as far as building strength and balance and every class felt like the first where I wasn't sure of myself and doubted my abilities and progress. Nonetheless I kept at it, one day I would get there. Last night, I challenged myself to try something different. I had been hearing of these hot yoga classes and how good they were for you to flush out toxins and deepen your stretches and add an extra challenge to your practice and I had been meaning to try it.  I found a place near my house offering a class after work and I decided to go. I almost chickened out after a few failed attempts at trying to get someone to tag along- but on I went, nerves and all.  I was greeted by a really nice lady who went over what to sort of expect from the class, got a quick tour and was told above all to "keep and open mind".  I went into the darkened studio, and found a spot near what I thought was the back of the room, to keep from being a distraction in case I sucked.  The class started and during the first few minutes I was intensely aware of myself and the overwhelming thought that others were as well.  We were facing a mirrored wall and I kept looking around me, thinking everyone else was looking at me.
The instructor guided us through our warm up using poses and commands I had heard before, "honor your body", "relax your mind", "breathe", "respect your practice", "take what you need".  I had never really succeeded in doing those things, always being concerned with how I looked and if I was performing the right way compared to someone else, totally missing the point of the exercise. I was uncomfortable and moved with caution and unease. "Use the mirror to focus yourself, this is your practice". I wanted to be good at this; I knew I could be.  I decided to make the most of my time there and to be present in that moment.  I focused my breathing and blocked out everything else. I took my eyes off of the people beside me and stared straight ahead into the dark brown eyes in front of me. I followed the instructors directions into the next flow of poses as I watched, and I forgot to be afraid.  I was mesmerized by her. She had more strength and confidence than I had realized and she smiled at my acknowledgement.  I had literally found myself during this experience and with a newfound respect at that. This person staring back at me, in all her beauty and strength and sureness was not at all the person whom I had known before, who I had been thinking I was all this time working towards the strength she already seemed to possess.  I became aware of the qualities I had been striving for having already been developed in her but just overlooked.  The areas where I doubted and limited and held myself back, she seemed to be eager and open and competent. Where I had been neglectful and critical of her she had been waiting on her time to be noticed and to flourish. She was just as admirable as any other if not more, that I had been looking to as a guide to how and I wanted to be. I found that she is fully capable of withstanding the challenges before her if given the opportunity. I came to know myself, not in light of how other people saw me or how I wanted to be seen but who I actually am.  In taking time out for me, I was able to see where I have grown and changed and where I can improve. I have a new respect for myself and I am grateful to have had the experiences in which I have come to be.