Letter to My Mother

Dear Mama, 
I was thinking of what to give you on Mother's day. I wanted to get something that you would appreciate, something that would express all of the things that I hadn't been able to say, and encompass everything that you mean to me. Well as you can see, I am still looking! There just doesn't seem to be anything that fits quite right; nothing that is good enough.  All while I was searching I kept thinking of things you've done for us and all the ways you have loved us making it harder and harder to thank you for it. And then it hit me! A letter. A simple letter from me to you, to give you what I think you deserve the most.  A list of all the things I am grateful for, and all the things you have done RIGHT.  We often focus on the negative and only talk about shortcomings while we overlook the very things that make the biggest difference. I could never write it all, remember it all but I hope what I do recall is enough to have you know just how appreciated, essential, and loved you are…

You never spoke negatively about our father's.  And even though we didn't have many positive male ideals, we also didn't have any negative ones.  I can say that every man who has my respect has earned it and truly deserves it. When my father came into my life, he had a blank slate & I hadn't realized until later how that was due to you. Not many people cannot say the same.  You may have had your issues with him, and your thoughts about him but that's exactly what they were- YOURS. I was free from bitterness, and hatred to form my own opinions, and he was free to make his own impressions and mistakes. 
You showed us how to treat people.  I can be compassionate to others and am accepting of other people who aren't like me.  I still remember Ms. Cat coming over to our apartment on O'bear just to get some peace and you had gospel music playing, and she would just sit on our floor & cry.  And you just let her. She said she felt such peach coming to our house, and you never judged her or shamed her and always kept an open door.  You taught me that not everyone will have my issues or share my beliefs or talents or privileges, but that I should still treat everyone with compassion and respect.
You never let your disability make you handicapped.  Watching you pursue your education at all costs, seeing you rise after every downfall, and knowing that you worked hard to make a better life for us may have been the best thing you have ever done for me. You. Never. Made. Excuses. Not even one. Even when you could have. Even though you had reason to lie down and give up. Even when you could have let the world feel sorry for you and support you with substandard living and existence you refused to accept it. I don't view it as pride, I honor your dignity. And because of your example I don't expect the world to hand me anything. I am fully equipped to earn my keep and make my own way.  Also knowing what it's like to live disadvantaged compels me to be a help to others who are in need. 
You taught us to be ladies.  I still stoop down to get things instead of bending over (most times). I cross my legs at my ankles when I'm wearing a skirt or dress. I still wear and tuck in my under-shirts to make sure my undies don't show above my pants. I wear shirts long enough to cover my butt, and I don't let my crack hang out. I cover my cleavage, and I take proper care of my body. I don't speak loudly (most times) or "cackle like a hen" as you say. I don't "flop" on furniture and I know when and how to be professional.  
You made sure we had a good education. You were talked about for sending us an hour away for school but you didn't let that stop you from ensuring we had a better education.  Not only that, you didn't hesitate to move us if you felt we weren't being treated or taught properly.  You were involved, and even though you didn't make every field trip, every room party, every parent teacher conference, you made it to some. You always asked how our days were, & always walked/drove us to the bus stop- even in high school.  You made sure we completed our homework and sought help for us when even you didn't understand. You held us to our best and accepted nothing less. I still remember the day you spent at school with me in fifth grade for our Revolution day, and you always packed the best lunches for our field trips -we had enough to share with kids who didn't have food.
You defended us.  Whether it was a fly, a friend, or a foe- you never let anyone or thing hurt us and get away with it! That showed me that I am worth fighting for. 
You said, "I am sorry".  You have your faults, but you have never shied away from admitting them.  I never felt that, you are big and I am small, and when it came to other adults, I never felt inferior to them. Though you taught us to respect our elders, you also taught us to respect ourselves and to know when someone has wronged us.  
You taught us our value.  You spoke life to us and called us according to scripture. You made sure we knew who we are and whose we are, not to feel entitled but to know that we matter. You often said to us, "You are the head and not the tail, above and not beneath, leaders and not followers, disciplined and chaste women of God, more than conquerors, the righteousness of Christ, and able to do all things through Him who is our strength".
You prayed for us. I would HATE getting up early to pray and worship and would hear you late into the night/early into the morning at times, praying for us and over us and in my youth I was annoyed but now I thank you for it! Even still, you pray for us which means so much to me when I feel alone and often wonder who is there for me, who is praying on my behalf, I can always be sure that you are. 
You taught us how to live.  Cooking, budgeting, homemaking, sewing, cleaning, bargain shopping- you name it, you taught us, or found someone who knew how to teach us.  Things that may seem small or insignificant but really shaped who I am. I have no issues buying gently used clothing, or things that are new but damaged, taking it home and sewing a button on it, or stitching it up. I know what healthy and well balanced meal are and how to make them, and how to shop for them. I value cleanliness and don't live in filth. I clip coupons and watch for sales and can postpone gratification when I know I can't afford something. 
You showed us how to dream. Even when we lived in dangerous, poverty stricken neighborhoods, you made a point to tell us that we wouldn't always. You submerged us in positive environments and showed us a better way. You encouraged our dreams and aspirations, and I honestly don't believe there was ever a time where I felt that I couldn't achieve something. You taught us to strive to be our best, not just the best.
You chose us.  I couldn't count the number of times you've sacrificed for us if I tried, and because of you, I know what sacrificial love looks like.  We didn't know how little of your needs were being met, or just how much you really went without. You always put us first. You made sure we had what we needed even when you didn't.  Something I never wondered about until I was an adult was what you did during the times you were unemployed, and we were at school.  We couldn't afford cable, didn't always have a car or gas to put in it, and had to make our food stretch the whole month.  But every morning we had breakfast and every night we came home to dinner. You checked our homework, listened to our day, we spent time as a family, and you prayed with us before bed.  But now I wonder if you ate while we were at school- if we had enough food for you to even have some lunch. I wonder if you were bored of sitting in the house, with no means to get away. I wonder how you dealt with all the phone calls from collection agents who were mean and unforgiving and not understanding of the fact that you had no means to pay.  I wonder how many days you cried because you were sad and frustrated with life, or how many days you prayed for relief with no end. The fact that I have never had to think about this until I was in my 20's and experiencing my own hardships that I truly realize how strong you were for us, and also how fragile. There are times where I am thankful that I don't have children yet to care for especially when I have yet to make a way for myself- but you did. And you did it WELL!
You told us we are beautiful. I have never really struggled much with self esteem, more so now than growing up, but I always remember you telling us how beautiful we were. I don't feel as though I have to wear makeup or expensive clothes or have lighter skin or different hair or change myself in any way to fit a certain standard of beauty. Because of you I know that I am enough, just the way I am. 
You provided a safe place for us. No matter where we lived, how much we had home was always home. When I stepped inside the four walls of wherever we lived at the time, I knew I was safe and had peace. There was no chaos. You also fought to maintain that peace, being mindful of the influences coming in or out and because of that I value the atmosphere of my home and I seek peace and freedom and comfort.
You failed. As much as you tried, you still failed at things, and you never tried to pretend to have it all together. I know its okay to make mistakes, to not always get it right. I don't feel as though I have to be perfect, and I can learn from my mistakes and not let them define or debilitate me. I still have my pity parties from time to time, but I also know that when I am done crying I still have to decide whether I am moving forward or standing still. Because of you, I'm yet moving forward...
You protected us. You gave us boundaries. Though they may have been over limiting sometimes, they were needed. You cared enough to censor our lives and protect our hearts. We couldn't watch everything on television and go over just any one's house, or call everybody friend. You were involved with our lives in every aspect and you carefully shepherded our lives and to this day I am still sensitive to certain people/places/things. I don't feel comfortable doing just anything or surrounding myself around every influence. I know how to guard my own heart and understand the importance of guarding the hearts of my future children as well. 
You made sure we spent time as a family. I have so many happy memories of us at home, together as a family and I think those memories are what give me the most joy and the most hope to look forward to making memories with my family. All the times we would sing together in the kitchen while we cooked and cleaned together. All the nights we would watch 7th Heaven or Touched by An Angel and be rushing back from the bathroom with you telling us it was back on from commercial. All the times we laughed at and with each other for various reasons. I remember you coming home from church on Sunday's smelling dinner in the oven or hearing you up early the days before holidays cooking food that would last us a week. I remember waking up at night, hearing you singing in the bathtub. I remember the last time you carried me- I was 9 and I was thinking how I was too big to be carried but I was sick I didn't care, and you didn't drop me. I remember you combing my hair for the week and waking up to my pillowcase saturated with hair grease! I remember the first thing you ever taught me how to cook was scrambled eggs. I remember going to summer camp and coming back to surprise jump ropes and clothes. I remember the first time we spent a long time away from you- the summer we spent in New Jersey, how much I missed you and wanted to come home, and how happy to be home I was! Because of you I value family time. When I do become some body's mom I have so many things that I want to teach them and do with them that I remember you doing with us.
You taught us responsibility.  Having the freedom to do something but the wisdom to know when you shouldn't. Whether it be my time, my energy, my finances, my things or myself I know when I am being responsible and when I am not. You taught us the importance of stewarding our lives and at times when I am overwhelmed or whatever, I can always effectively evaluate my actions and see where I have lacked responsibility- I over spent, I over committed myself, I am over working, I am not spending enough time with God or whatever it is, I am equipped to take responsibility for my life and choices.  
You taught us not to settle. You knew what our best was and you made us rise to it. You didn't accept anything less than our best behavior, efforts, and character. You would make us re-write sloppy homework, read during the summer, apologize when we'd hurt others, and most of all showed us we are capable of achieving anything we set our  minds to.
You said, " I don't know".  You never pretended to have all the answers. You admitted when you didn't know something or when you weren't sure how situations would work out. You weren't afraid to ask someone else to help us with homework or talk to us about things you couldn't. 
You said, "I forgive you".  I hadn't realized the importance of hearing, "you are forgiven" until later in life, but it is so essential. We don't always get apologies, and more rarely are offered forgiveness, but because of you, I am intentional about not only forgiving others, but letting them know they are forgiven; relieving the burden of guilt and shame, all because I remember what it feel like to be forgiven and loved.   
You admired others.  I don't know why most people don't do it, nor did it cross my mind that it may not be so normal until I lived on my own. If you saw a beautiful woman, you told her- "Excuse me ma'am, I just wanted to tell you, you are GORGEOUS!" If you liked some one's shoes/purse/dress whatever, you said so. And you taught us to say so as well and so now its normal for me to stop someone just to say- I noticed you, and I admire you. You were also able to see and appreciate the strengths of others and would often challenge us/yourself to follow the example- if they had a positive attitude, if they were kind, if they were highly educated… you showed us how to admire the qualities of others without having to feel inferior. If you ever felt insecure I honestly couldn't tell. 

This is by no means an all inclusive list, but I hope with this you are able to see you through my eyes and have to confidence to know that though you could only do your best, your best was ENOUGH. You are enough. What is not enough are words to express my appreciation, admiration, love, and respect for you and all you are. 
Gracias. Merci. Danke. Asante. Obrigado. Tack. ju Falenderoj. Hvala. Dankjewel.
Spanish, French, German, Swahili, Portuguese, Swedish, Albanian, Bosnian, Dutch… no matter the language my gratitude remains the same, 
Thank you,
Nique <3