Breaking Even

So I was reading a book by my favorite author called, "Mercy".  And in it, she expresses this concept that love is never equal in a relationship, that there is someone who always loves the other person more. And then I came across it again, either on TV or maybe from another book I'm not sure but it started me on this path thinking if this is true. I had personally never really heard this idea before, but the way that it was described in the book made it seem plausible and believable, I guess that's what makes her a good author. But the idea of that though seems harsh and sad, and what do you do when you are in that situation, finding yourself loving someone more than they love you? I mean, just the thought of that is hard to understand, but not really. In a perfect world you wouldn't have to wonder about these things, but let's face it, we don't live in a perfect world and there is no exact  measure of love in any relationship. In the book it was the husband who was portrayed to have loved his wife more. But they still had an amazing relationship. It wasn't that  the story gave way to the idea that he loved her more and she hated him, or was just uncaring all in all, but that some of his characteristics displayed the love he had for her more so than hers. This makes me wonder whether the amount of love two people have is as important as the fact that they do love. Maybe when you try and put a measure on love is when you limit it and top it off and make it a bigger deal than the initial fact of. But there is no right or wrong way to view love, receive love, and deliver love. There is no standard and universal way to do either, so each and everyone has their own way to converse in the love language. So what seems special and appropriate to one doesn't mean that it would be accepted among all. So when you love someone truly you have to learn to love them the way the need to be loved, not the way you want to be loved, or how you think they should be loved. Putting in the time and effort needed to learn what and how they need the things they need to feel loved otherwise, the love you feel won't be received and vice versa. In the context of my own marriage I am an emotional person. I speak by touch and by words and gestures. I like to feel exclusive, that I have attention that is only directed towards me. Knowing that I have a specific part of him that no one else has. Liking to be touched and held and getting special notes and messages and talking and having intellectual conversations are the way that I love. Being able to trust someone with all my thoughts and feelings  makes me feel happy and secure. And in turn of course I try and love him in the same manner, but it is not successful because he doesn't love the same way that I do. But should you go so far as to say that I love him more? Well maybe that idea comes from the fact that some people don't try to love the other the way that they need to be loved which comes off that they love the other less. Because honestly what does it look like for one to say they love someone, but are not willing to make them happy? "I love you so much that I am going to make you be the way that I am!" That's not love, thats selfish. So maybe thats what they mean. Best case scenario, both people are understanding of the differences in each other's needs and are willing to meet them wholeheartedly. But what about the cases where they don't know their own needs in order to tell the other person. That is common for me right now. Since we are so young there are things about ourself we have yet to figure out and things that are bound to change as time goes on. But it can be a positive thing, after time goes on, knowing that you have been patient and loving enough to stick it through with this person and have watched them grow into the person you love. Unfortunately though, this does not always happen and sometimes people change and are no longer compatible. In that case the two can either chose to let maturity take over and cover what common interest doesn't or agree to disagree and dissolve the relationship as friends before it is too late. Though I hope for the first scenario for all in this predicament, it does not always happen so. Taking into account human nature and the fact that not all people follow the golden rule and not all people are considerate to how other people feel, then it can be safe to say that in some relationships there may exist an un equal balance of love between the two. And then, some people just don't know how to love, or how the show the love they have and that can come across as an absence of love but may not be true. Most men have a problem showing their emotions but that doesn't mean they don't have them. I have heard a few times from my husband that he has a hard time receiving my love and affection because he doesn't know how or how to respond to it. But over time he has been learning and becoming more comfortable with me displaying my affection without all the cringing. It wasn't that he didn't like me, he just wasn't used to it. And what I learned is that men have the same emotional needs that women do and that I should not neglect them because of his inability to understand them himself. That is a part of love that most people don't recognize that needs to be filled. Being with someone gives you the opportunity to help one another reach their full potential. And by helping the other see things in them that can help them for the better is what gives the relationship value over time. You have to invest in one another in time, emotions and, intellect. This gives way to a side thought that I had about how adults tell children and teens when they claim to be in love that they are not. "You are too young to be in love", they would say as if being a certain age is all it takes to be eligible for love. Well I disagree. (obviously since I married they guy I met in high school, and believe I fell in love at 15). I don't feel its age, but a matter of experience. And not that type of experience. But at that age I knew and had known for some time what I wanted out a relationship. I knew what I wanted out of it and also what I wanted to give to it. I loved the idea of serving the other and learning all the little things that make them happy. I thought more about what I wanted to give than what I wanted to receive and I enjoyed it. I knew and was comfortable in myself to understand that I am a loyal and committed person and even at 14 and 15 I knew I didn't want to date anyone that I couldn't see myself with for the rest of my life, and though that may have been a lot of pressure for some my age to grasp and commit to, it didn't intimidate me and all I needed was the one who was willing to go to bat with me. And I found it. And no our relationship wasn't perfect and nor did I expect it to be, well at times I did. But we were still fairly young and still had a lot to learn. Learn about life and about ourselves. But that's what I wanted. I wanted to have grown up with the person I would spend my life with. Learning one another and learning life together. I wanted a best friend that I could grow old with and share my life with. But there are adults that may not be that mature and have that level of understanding about their needs and wants and can be less prepared to be in a relationship that someone younger. Adults can be unforgiving and unrealistic and have too high of expectations and focus on the wrong things. They can have this super long list of things that the other person must have without any regard to what they themselves need to be. They create a long list of do not's based on past relationships and the cycle beings. Sometimes that innocence and naivety works to the advantage of young people because we just jump in and have no time for precautions and even after being hurt can still have a sense of  resilience that keeps us hopeful for the next. Now consistent hurt and pain takes a toll on the best of us over time but overall being young has its advantage. To wrap up my thoughts, I think that the idea can be true for some, and not for others. Ideally in a relationship I hope that both love each other equally in the sense that they are aware of and willing to meet the others needs affectionately and regularly. And that starts with each knowing themselves personally, something that being young may not be best at handling only because we are still young and whatever we do know of ourselves at the time may change because we are still learning who we are and who we want to be. But after that, its all just a matter of acceptance. Accepting who you are and who your partner is and not trying to change them. I think it is easy to get discouraged when you feel you are finding out things about them you never knew and you don't like them or you don't think you can get past them because they are so unlike yours. I know I came to this point and even though we had four years together before we married, once we moved in together it seemed like every little thing was the end of the world. Somehow it seemed to be more pressure. More pressure to be right, for things to be right, to be heard and to be understood cause I just didn't want anything to go wrong. But all that added pressure didn't help us to say the least. And in the time when we should be an unbreakable team, I was losing his trust by being over critical of the things he did that I didn't understand and that were foreign to me. But being loving and accepting is a choice. A daily choice that must be made by both people each and everyday. I think the idea of loving one more or less is stupid. Its just absurd. Yes I think it exists and is true for many people, but no I don't think that it should. Love is not selfish, and that idea is based on fear and selfishness. Everyone wants to be loved and to know that someone loves them who is willing to meet their needs and learn what they need and want to do them lovingly, but unfortunately not everyone is that mature and prepared to do so, and that is where the fear comes in. The logic is understandable, but it doesn't make it okay. It is selfish and cowardly to live that way and base a relationship off of that and that is sad. All of this is probably why marriage and serious relationships should be conserved until the two are mature enough to understand what they are getting into so that they don't back off when things get hard or base their actions off of how they feel and their emotions. And that is something even I am still learning. I can't lie it is a hard concept to grasp to say the least. But I know that I will continue to try and work at it because I know that I don't want to have a fear based marriage. So I challenge you to join me in this, to love fearlessly and unselfishly no matter what it looks like, and how the one you are loving responds (kinda like Jesus...) to be so in love with love, that it becomes a daily response to be loving and caring just for the act, that way the response won't sway you, whether positive or negative. And that's my motto.