21st Century Woman

It's no secret that the role of women has changed dramatically since the beginning of time. We have evolved from being the home makers and child bearer/rear-ers and now have gained such a distinct sense of independence and freedom apart from men and the home and from our children. We have given ourselves the ability to make a name for ourselves outside of our natural jobs to carry children and be nurturers. We can practically do anything a man can do and do try to in every aspect. And we raise our daughters to think and feel and do the same. We pass down our pride along with our recipes on being a person, a mother, and most of all a woman. But now that I am married and will be having children of my own within the next few years some of the things I have been taught I begin to question and really want to dig into and see how they have come to effect me now. One of the biggest things I wanted to explore is the way we as women are taught to view men. I know that whenever I had someone interested in me as a teen my mom would say, "all they want is sex", or "all young men think about and want is sex". And so I was trained to think that way. Whenever I wasn't with my mom even now as an adult, when a guy seems to be checking me out, I automatically think that they are only interested in sex from me and it never crosses my mind that they may be interested in me, yes because they find me physically attractive, but also to get to know me as a person. I started to sort of hate the way I automatically jumped to such conclusions and wanted to get to the root of why I did. I realized that I didn't understand men at all, and the ones who called themselves teaching me about them didn't know any more than I do, and could only teach me based off of the negative experiences they themselves have had. I am married and still wonder when my husband reaches over to hold me and gets "excited" if all he thinks of is sex and why can't he just show me non-sexual affection. But then I started thinking. We are wired differently and that is no surprise, we say it all the time how different women and men are, but I don't believe any of this comes to mind and we don't give them the benefit of the doubt when it comes to understanding them. Women have an unfair advantage when it comes to this. I believe men love sexually, but it has been so negatively regarded that we look at it as a bad thing rather than accepting that this is the way that they show affection. Not all men are uncontrollable horn dogs, but all men do love and interact sexually, it is their nature. Just as women are emotional creatures  but that doesn't mean all are crazy and unstable. Just as women can learn to control their emotions and not let them control them, so can men learn to control their sexual desires, but we have been taught that they cannot and often do not and thus expect them not to. So that causes some mis-communication on my part in my marriage which is not entirely my own fault. It would be my fault if I continued to stay in the dark and not learn to understand how my husband works. When I begin to look at his sexual desire for me as affection the same way I look at my wanting to hold and kiss him as affection then it doesn't seem so bad. It is awkward though looking at sex as a way of affection first and not as a response to an urge to be satisfied, so that takes some getting used to. But the same way I expect him to trust that I won't go and start cuddling it up with just anyone, he can expect me to know that he won't go sleeping around either. Those things are reserved for just us. I realized with the help of my husband that men have the same fears and insecurities we do as women. Just because emotions don't come naturally to them doesn't mean they wouldn't benefit from being able to express them in the same way that women can enjoy sexual activity even though it is not a first response for us either.  When we open our minds to this idea we can give way to a major learning experience. Men can teach women how to enjoy and explore their sexuality, which in turn would be beneficial for them while women can teach men how to understand their emotions and how to express them comfortably and that benefits the women by them being able to identify and relate to how she is feelings without her always having to say so. They essentially learn to speak the language of one another as it becomes common to them and makes the relationship much better. In a way, as women we have to re-teach ourselves to not expect the worse when it comes to men in this area and to be optimistic when teaching them how to get in touch with their feelings. In turn we must also be willing to fulfill his physical needs as well just as eagerly as you would want him to emotionally connect with you. The outcome most hoped for is that it becomes less and less of a chore to fulfill one another's needs and he is excited to come home and open up about his day as she is ready to temp him with a new trick she's learned. You eventually become less and less concerned about your personal needs and more involved in meeting their as your needs are being consistently met because you are equally involved in each other. It no longer becomes about you, but about them and no one is left forgotten about. Now, that is a perfect scenario but not an unreachable one. It takes both involved to be willing to learn as well as to teach.