Love & Happiness

In seven days, I will have been married for 4 years and starting my fifth.  This upcoming September will mark the eighth year that my husband and I have been dating.  Personally I still consider my September anniversary to be my "real" anniversary, though we weren't married yet because we were still committed to one another, and because it was the things we learned and endured during those first four years that built the foundation of our relationship.  I can say that the first year of marriage was harder than those following, but I am more in love with him now than I ever was.  I find myself with a new and greater appreciation for him and all he means to me.  We haven't arrived yet,  but I can honestly say that I am happy for where I am, and look forward to the future.  We have learned so much about ourselves and each other and am a glad to know that he and I both still have the other's happiness as a priority and seek to love and serve one another wholeheartedly.  I can see his efforts to love me how I need to be loved, and to listen to me and compromise when necessary.  Nothing is ever perfect, and it is evident that the progress we have made this far took work, intentional work on both our parts.  I have really had to submit myself to God and the source of many of the insecurities I had was revealed.   I had my faith in a self-created ideal of what marriage should be and who I wanted my husband to be.  I placed him in the position only a savior could fulfill and when he fell short I lost security, faith and trust in him that I never should have held him to in the first place.  I used God as a last resort, coming to him in prayer only when I wanted to vent about my husbands shortcomings and to self-righteously boast on my self, instead of being supportive of him and praying for him to be lead by God according to his plan and not my own. I held myself to a superficial and task oriented standard of what it means to be a good wife instead of looking at scripture and the needs of my husband as to how I should hold accountable. I thought if I cooked a certain number of meals and kept the house clean and remained faithful then I was  fulfilling the role as a Godly wife and was deeply hurt and offended when my husband found me lacking. Instead of being a friend and listening eagerly to the needs of his heart I condemned him, belittled him, and emotionally derailed him with my feelings and frustrations. I discouraged him from being open and honest with me about his needs and feelings and made him feel as if he had to settle for whatever behavior I saw fit. We got along fine until he told me I was wrong or that some needs we being unmet. I treated him as if he was unworthy of the effort to please him and love him the way he needed. In time such a wedge had been driven between us that it seemed hopeless at times if we would ever have the loving relationship I had hoped for.  We both wanted the same things, a loving and transparent friendship, mutual respect and trust and we wanted it with each other.  We just didn't know how to get there. It also didn't help that we lacked an adequate support system of family, friends, and a church community.  Neither of us grew seeing what a healthy christian marriage looked like so we had our own expectations and misconceptions of what is should be. In all of this I can say that God has been faithful to us. Looking back, I can see his providence working in and guiding our life even when it seemed He wasn't near. He has worked on our hearts individually and collectively and drawn us closer together. The friendship and closeness we so desperately wanted began to form once we were shown our own selves and were able to be honest with God and each other about our sins and struggles; me with self-righteousness and he with forgiveness and trust. We stopped looking at each other as an enemy to compete with keeping score and holding walls up against the other. Our hearts were softened towards each other and we felt a love for each other deeper than we had known until then.  I have a better understanding of what it means to love someone and the power of grace in marriage. I feel freedom and hope in my charge of submission to my husband instead of a weight of fear and insecurity. I recognize the need to support and pray for his strength regularly instead of as a last resort when things get bumpy. I can feel the genuine love of my husband deepening and strengthening for me as he no longer feels put down and discouraged by my actions. My opening up and acceptance of his love causes him to flourish when I reciprocate it back to him. We are still a work in progress and have much to learn but I have faith in us and am excited for the years to come.