I am happily married. A bookworm. A secret chef. A science nerd. Reluctant runner. Zumba enthusiast. Music lover. Christ follower. And this is my place and space to discover and express all things me!
Friday, June 10, 2011
Are Matches Really Made in Heaven??
So, you hear it all the time. When you see two people that are really good together, they say "They were made for one another!" And maybe even you have felt it. The feeling that this person is the only one for you. But then, how can that be for those who've lost a loved one and re-married, or for people who've suffered a divorce and find love again? Is there an exception to the rule, or is the rule contradicting all in all? That is what I had been thinking about today, and just wanted to explore my thoughts on. Of course I asked my husbands opinion and he doesnt share the romantic view that I do. He feels that based on personalities and likes and dislikes two people are drawn together and based on maturity and determination they make it last, but in the events that it doesn't, then it is possible to move on and find another. So it got me thinking about my own views and caused me to challenge it and to try and find a more defined answer to the question: is there someone for everyone, and is there just one? In a way, I think that there is one person for everyone, that there is a such thing as a soulmate. In my case, I see the reasons that I need my husband, why we work. What makes us, US. At first these things are intriguing to the other, but after a while we can start to take them for granted. For instance, I am naturally a quiet person until you get to know me, but in the same respect, I love to talk. In the nature of having conversations, not just to hear myself say things. But my husband on the other hand is the opposite. He is very friendly and outgoing and social right off the bat and can make friends with any one, but then once he gets to know a person he talks less and less. Now, I wish I could say what the key is to making something like this work between such people, but I don't know yet because that is something we have yet to work out fully. We just have to respect one another's strengths and differences and be careful not to "crush" the other's opinions and ways of doing simply because it differs from our own. I am a "learner", I like to explore and find out how things work and why, and in a matter of relationships, how people are and why so that I can be successful in dealing with them appropriately according to their personality. One of the ways I do this is by talking. Now, to my husband who can become a quieter person with time, this "talking" come off to him in a way that makes him feel that I am nagging at him and complaining to him about whatever, when in fact I am only out to learn, I am not frustrated, or angry, just curious and eager to know what makes him tick. Well to say the least I was very surprised to find that the manner in which I communicate, and in which I have always communicated, will not work in this relationship. It is simply counterproductive in my efforts to reach a common ground with him and in most cases ends up making matters worse. So what do I do? Well, I try to reconstruct my approach, not bringing things up in the heat of the moment that could cause tension. I know that whatever I say (that is not obviously positive or on a positive note) I have a certain window of time before his mind shuts off to what I am saying entirely, which has made me think and decided which details are most important and to say it in a non-threatening and precise manner where it can be best received. Another aspect of my personality is that I take things pretty literally, and seriously unless I can clearly tell that it's supposed to be a joke. My husbands sense of humor, is not one in which I can always tell when he is joking and often leads to hurt feelings and annoyance of those feelings from both parties. From that I can learn to loosen up a bit, and he can learn to be a bit more sensitive and thoughtful as to how he may come off to people. So, tackling my husbands point of view on "matches made in heaven", and integrating it into mine I come up with this: All people are capable for the most part, to have a successful relationship with anyone, because it all boils down to their willingness to participate, and to keep participating in the relationship wholeheartedly. Just because two people have similar interest and could have an effortless relationship doesn't guarantee that either of them will do what ever measure of effort is needed to make that happen. And vice versa. That's where love comes to play. Do you love this person? For their good and their bad. My mom used to say a phrase "loving their dirty underwear". Now that sounds pretty gross and I never understood it until now. How you can still get that "love" feeling- not to be confused with butterflies and heart stopping ooey-gooey stuff, but feeling when you know you love them while seeing them at their worst, or their dirty underwear in this case. If you can think of their smile, or their laugh or whatever it is that gets you going about them in the middle of your WORST argument, and cant help but to smile back and love them, then thats it. That's all that matters. At least that's how I know for myself personally that I am where I am supposed to be. Because there is just some crap that I just could not see myself doing if it were for another, because it's not meant for another. I couldn't stay up late keeping score and actively engaging in a Call-of-Duty game for anyone else. I couldn't go to a movie and pass up a romantic comedy for a satirical irony film for someone other than him. And because I love him I want to. It makes me want to, because I want him. I can't lie though, that it is easy to lose sight of that, and what a person means to you when you get caught up in all the annoying things that you let bother you, because it is a choice. I don't think that the annoying little habits that get under my skin now were hiding all this time. I just chose not to focus on them. He was and always will be a know-it-all who's always right, and I love that know-it-all. Patience and grace and humbleness, and servanthood are qualities that are most essential and powerful in a relationship. At least in mine. The hardest thing though is to continue to practice these things when the other is not. It is easy to love someone and be kind and forgiving when they do the same for you, but not so easy when they are not. We have the need for self-preservation while forgetting that we gave up self, for US. Ideally in a perfect world, the wife would be more concerned about meeting her husband's needs than her own while never having to worry about her own because he's equally concerned about her needs. But it doesn't always work that way. Often times, one person becomes much too dependent on the other expecting them to meet needs no one human can meet alone. This fulfillment does not replace personal responsibility to oneself to achieve goals and reach dreams, or replace the need for Christ as a savior. The lack thereof of a spouse doing his or her part should not be detrimental so much so that the person on the other end is incompetent and incapable of moving along with daily activities. It is hard though not to get so caught up in the serving of another that you neglect yourself personally, and that is something I have been guilty of and yes, that does take a toll on the relationship. If you stop investing in the things that make you a healthy and lovable you, your level of attractiveness to your spouse dwindles. After all, they loved you, and married you, so they want you, and you cannot forget the thins that makes you you. (I am speaking to myself here, so if you cannot relate, skim on until you find something of interest). I have seen this happen in my own personal life which adds another level of importance to my journey to self-discovery and understanding, because my husband and eventually children benefit from it also. Whether people make relationships and marriages work the first time around or the third, they all reach the same point. The point at which the feeling is gone, the problems are real and the question is raised: are we right for each other. And honestly that is a personal question. Most times you can make it work. There are special cases for everything, too many to name so this is not absolute. But in anything you have to make the choice to stay no matter what. Whatever it takes. If I have to carry around a list of things that genuinely make me love him and pull it out each and every time i feel an argument coming on, or I feel as if I need to complain, or whatever. Sometimes its just not worth it. Not worth compromising the peace and taking away the joy. My husband is not prince charming. Yes, he is charming, but he is real. Which means he is imperfect and will let me down, numerously. But yet I can love him, and he can love me. And in realizing that we are both merely human we can enjoy each other in our imperfect-ness and reshape and reform ourselves from two separate pieces to one bigger, better piece, still not perfect, but perfectly right for and with one another so much so, that it seems that the heavens planned for them to be together in the first place.
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