Age Ain't Nothin But a Number

If you didn't know how old you were, how old would you be? You hear it all the time, you're only as old as you feel, and its true.  Just because you get older, your body ages and changes physically it doesn't make you any less competent, vibrant and lively in older age than in young.  Because of the cultural changes and adaptation we have come to today, the aging process is directly effected whether in quality or length of life. Our medical advances have made it easier to live longer than ever before as well as our technological advances making life easier and offering more ways of entertainment and discovery.  Being a young person, I haven't thought much about getting old.  I think about my future in terms of what I want to do in life, where I want to be in 30 years and so on, but nothing on the actual concept of aging until after taking a Human Growth and Development class, as well as transitioning into a new job in the health care field where I take care of a wide range of people, elderly included.  Seeing someone in their 80's (+) and  hearing what they talk about most and watching their demeanors is always interesting to me.  On any given day, I spend about 8-12 hrs with them and in that time I can usually find out who they are, what they did, and how they lived.  They tell me about their kids and grandkids and you can tell the ones they are most proud of by the way they elaborate on their successes and family ties.  For the ones that suffer from dementia, they are usually affected by reverting to a childlike state; becoming stubborn and less amiable at times. At some points in the day (referred to as sun-downing) they can become more aggravated than usual in which point I feel I have learned the most.  For a person who was in the same work industry for the entirety of their life will start to act as if they are in fact still working. Once I encountered a woman who was a former nurse and she was confusing the care she was receiving with care she felt she was expected to give to someone else.  She wasn't able to grasp the fact that she in fact was was the patient and not the caregiver and when her medicines and plan of care were being explained to her and her family members, she received it as a participant and not the recipient.  Another insightful opportunity occurs when a person is reaching the end of their life and in realizing such, begin to go through what Psychologist Erik Erikson described in his eighth stage of psychosocial development, "Integrity vs Despair".  They begin to look at their life and choices and either feel a sense of integrity, feeling overall happy and contented with the way they have lived and hopeful for those they are leaving behind, or they feel a sense of despair.  They have regrets and fears about dying and leaving family behind or are unsettled with the life they have lived.  I see this most in elderly who have outlived a spouse and talk about how they wished they had more time with them and how they should told them they were loved more than they had.  The most touching thing I have heard thus far is a woman of 87 years speak of her husband who had died 7 years before saying, "he was a man that could not be duplicated".  She went on to say how he was a loving husband and father and was a family man and treated her like his "personal princess.  That man spared none when it came to me".  I am humbled by such experiences at work and I always take inventory of my own life and pray that I am a good stewart of the blessings I have been given, my husband included.  I am enriched and refined through my work of service and I have recognized that I doesn't have to be confined within the walls of the hospital, but should extend to my everyday living in my service to my loved ones and friends. Asking myself the question of how I would be if I didn't know the number, I would say 35. Often times I feel older than my age and I seem to see things differently than my peers. I identify most with people in middle age.  I have more friends in their mid forties than I do in their twenties.  I enjoy watching women who have been wives and mothers for decades and how they do things.  I like shopping and discovering new cultural activities that I would have otherwise been unaware of.  I feel that knowing older people has made me multi-demensional and I seek the same in others.  One of the reasons I love my husband the most is because he is so atypical, even from myself.  I am never bored and I am always challenged which I appreciate.  I think more about how to do home projects on a budget or daydreaming about my future children and bargain shopping or watching things like the discovery channel or reading about current issues and other cultures which sets me a little further beyond ideal 20-something.  I wonder if I will ever catch up to my "perceived" age.. I asked a co-worker of mine when I worked at Target this very question (She's in her mid 60's) and she said, 32.  Im sure the same or about the same can be said for most people that even though you get older physically, it doesn't mean you feel older.  I honestly used to think (and sometimes still do) that aging was inevitable, not just in physical terms.  I used to walk the mall and see the "old lady stores" and think, oh God I don't want to get old and wear stuff like that.  As if there was a switch that goes off at the age of "old" which makes people tend to lean towards solid pastel colored cardigans and floral prints with polyester pants worn above the navel I dreaded the day I would prefer watching the news over cartoons and woke up before 11am and went to bed before 9pm. I always had this idea of what "old was" but never considered those I was close to in that manner.  My Nanna is my best friend, I could never think of her as "old". Not due to the fear of disrespect, but she's too lively and outspoken, and just "her" to be what I considered "old".  I love to talk with her and ride with her and her friends and listen to how they rant about the things of life.  I know that eventually life catches up to us.  We slow down, wrinkle, and health declines.  But watching those before me, I can better determine how the progression of my life will be and hopefully when I reach old age I will have had many things to feel integrity for.

The Measure of Greatness

"We never know how high we are til we are asked to rise. And then if we are true to plan, our statures touch the skies. The heroism we recite will be a normal thing, did not ourselves the cubits warp for fear to be a king." -Emily Dickenson

I first read this poem in the seventh grade (and yes I know it by heart) and even before we did the whole analyzing and discussing of what the author meant and so on, the message behind it struck me. So much of what is said is how I was feeling, things I had already thought. A lot of times I underestimate my own potential. I don't seem as smart or as creative or outgoing as the next person and sometimes I am amazed at just how amazing I can be. Its true that you hardly realize just how far you've gone, or how well you've done until it is time to advance to the next level. I'm experiencing it right now, in my last semester before my nursing program and being on the brink of a new level makes me realize just how far I've come. In the past two years I have made friends and became apart of a school that I will miss. I had great teachers and unforgettable experiences that will come to shape the rest of my life. I got to witness multiple role models in women that have taught some of my classes that give me hope and something to aspire to be. Seeing them teach with such passion and knowing that their spiritual lives and family are not compromised and still remains first is encouraging to me and as far as I have come I am yet hopeful and expectant for where I want to go. I can say that in the past couple of years I have been at Missouri Baptist I have gotten a clearer picture than I had had before of what my life can look like and who I want to be. I have enjoyed watching these women just "be". As crazy as that sounds, I do! It was an eye opening experience to see women like my A&P  and Psych teachers and how they are smart and strong and well rounded in life. You can see that they are fulfilled and whole individuals and I pray to learn from them not just academically but also practically and to be more like them as a wife, mother and person. They represent the kind of greatness I aspire to be. Living in times that we do it has become more and more of a commodity to find such women who are spiritually sound and happy with life and contribute such things to those around them. You never know how your presence affects those around you and I am glad to say that I was one of them. I expect more from myself and I know more of what is possible which makes it harder for me accept anything less from myself or my life. 

"The heroism we recite would be a normal thing, did not ourselves the cubits warp for fear to be a king". This is my favorite part of Dickenson's poem. She gets right to the point, the meat and potatoes and plain and simply says, that we can ALL be great. That the level of greatness we so often talk about and uphold in others can be ours too as long as we stop trying to alter the measure at which we judge ourselves.  As humans we can be so futile. We negatively judge others based off of their actions and ourselves off of our intentions when it comes to them doing things wrong or making mistakes.  But then we also tend to exaggerate and over-romantisize the successes of those we envy or covet to be like, living in the shadows of their greatness rather than believing in the possibility of our own.  I know it can be a scary thing to do, believing in yourself because that means you have expectations and those expectations means you could possibly be disappointed.. but you could also be greatly astounded.  You can't gain what you don't risk. Bottom line. So, get out there and try something new or something you've been afraid to do if only just to say you did it, because the first step in becoming great is simply "being" and "doing".    

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait... and Wait...

You hear the saying all the time that patience is a virtue but who really likes waiting? I mean, initially the idea of being patient is noble and isn't met with much resistance but after some time of waiting for what seems "too long" for what we expected to have to wait we become irritable and impatient and even angry, I know I do. Most times I battle with offense against the world, or my current circumstance preventing me from obtaining whatever it is that is keeping me from the object  of my attention at the time. I'm a good person who works hard and is usually responsible so I deserve it right? I mean, how fair is it that so many people seem to have things handed to them, while others can work so hard and still can't catch a break? Needless to say, this is something I struggle with. Not so much because I have to be patient, but that after a while I start to get anxious and wonder what's the hold up?  Is it me, or something I've done?  Or not done? Do I want it for the right reasons?  Is it just not my time? There are numerous reasons I can and often do come up with to justify why something isn't happening in my preferred time frame, but the bottom line is that, some times in life there "ain't no rhyme or reason,  no complicated meaning or need to over think it" in the words of one of my favorite songs ("It happens" by Sugarland- in case you were wondering).  Sometimes life just is.  And though it is a simple fact it is that much harder to accept, especially when going through it at the moment.  But I have to say, honestly, that after a while no matter how necessary or dire the reason for my impatience may have been, I find a way to develop some resolve within myself to either become comfortable in waiting, or I realize that it wasn't that necessary to begin with.  But when it comes to bigger, more life defining things in life, such as finding a new job, finishing school, finding a mate, conceiving a child and things of that nature, you wonder what becomes more important; developing a virtue, or getting results?  The truth of the matter is, is that at some point we have to face the restlessness and anxiety that comes along with life and learning to cope with it.  Realizing that things don't always work out as planned no matter how hard we try, shouldn't make us fearful and cease in trying no longer forthcoming with effort, but to have it within ourselves to know that no matter what, we will always try and we won't give up, we'll find a way to do what has to be done and to try and be content while doing so, then we'll be okay.  It will suck, and life will get hard and some opportunities will come and pass but I chose to not let it define me or to get me down, because the only constant is change and life moves at a steady pace whether I move along with it or not. 

Family Ties

Today I enjoyed a genealogy presentation and the saint louis county library with a good friend of mine tonight.  I decided that I am going to start to find my roots and I'm excited for what I may find! I think its important to know where you come from.  If you think about how far you know your ancestors, by name and or any personal fact, it is pretty scary to think that in that same matter of yrs you may be forgotten/unknown by those who follow you.  I don't know anyone past my great-grandparents which means if I am lucky, if the pattern continues, I can only expect to be remembered 3 generations out. To think that my life and all its experiences will die with me is pretty sad, so I look forward to digging in and discovering my origins on both sides and eventually in my husbands family as well and I encourage anyone even slightly interested to do the same. You'd be surprised all of the resources and information out there that is available to us.  There are entire libraries and archives and more dedicated to the different facets of ancestral findings.  You can look people up by military records, deeds, birth and death records as well as marriage licences and education records.  I wonder if I have any Native American Ancestors, or any European decent.  I know a common finding in many African Americans when they research their roots is that they come to find that many AA's take on the last names of their slave owners which can end their findings unless they can somehow find a last name prior to their capture and where they lived before.  We also have access to many immigration records which can come in handy for those whose family members came from other countries.  If you know the year or a time period in which they came there is a pretty good chance you can find records on them.  And then of course the Census is an excellent aid to find out information as far as where they live, their occupation and household information.  It is going to be a long, but interesting journey that will benefit not just me, but all of us.  The speaker said something that rang very true to me, that every piece of personal history that people discover is a small piece of american history and can help us all in some way. I just hope to create a new standard for those who follow me to start to pay more attention to our history and its documentation.  I would also like to make a memoir of my life in my elder years as well as trying to journal more like I used to. I know I may not do it on a daily basis, but more often than not, because even when I look back on the pages I've written and evaluate the emotional state I was in when writing it, or the age and place in my life it seems interesting to me even now.  My main issue is that I get caught up in wanting it to be perfect.  I am afraid to document the imperfections of my life, or when I go too long without writing in my journal, I'll "scrap" it and start over, not realizing that though it may not be perfect, though it may not be ideal, its how I felt, its my life, its my story and it is important.  So I am excited for the journey that awaits me and as always, will keep you posted!

Thin Ice

Its the end of the school year and the time has come around again where everything just seems be on the line.  Its crunch time.  I have one week left of classes in which I have four lab write ups to do, a test to make up, finals to study for for and it is all riding on this.  How I do this semester will determine what I will be doing this summer and if I will be able to apply to the nursing program Im striving for and how long of a wait I'll have between now and my start date.
Every now and then life seems to have those moments, or the accumulation of moments where it all seems to count on that one thing.  Well I'd like to say that the majority of those happenings in my life ended in the results I was hoping for but I can't.  My life isn't like the movies where you know the underdog team, will win the championship or cinderella will find her prince, if they didn't then no one would watch them.  I do have those times that no matter how hard I try, I just fall short.  And yes, it sucks.  But its that very dose of reality that keeps me diligent, and faithful, and on my knees, rather than arrogantly and pridefully assuming of my successes.  I have had two very different examples of this in the past week, pertaining to school;  Recently I wrote a paper for my Human Growth and Development class and I wanted an A.  I thought I did pretty well on the paper personally and thought at worse I would get a B on it, however I had waited til the day before and morning of to write it. I knew that I needed and A in the course to get the GPA I needed, and I knew the weight of the assignment in comparison to others in the semester, but I still chose to wait until the last minutes to do the assignment, assuming that I could do so and still get the grade I wanted partially because I underestimated the paper in itself and also because I overestimated my writing skills, pridefully weighing it over adequate research and time management.  To my dismay, I got a C on the paper.  A 70% which to me is basically a D save for the one point.  I earned my C and I took responsibility for my lack of prioritizing the assignment but the full weight of my choice hadn't fully hit me yet, until I looked at how it had affected me overall.  Consequently, in the class that I had at first aimed to get an A in, I can only realistically hope for a B at best and even then, that will be hard earned.  (Oh don't mind that noise, its just the sound of reality smacking me in the face!)  On the bright side, (of course there is a bright side, there always is!) I have been working pretty hard in my Stats class to get an A so I don't have to take the final and it has paid off for me so far. I studied vey hard for my test last week and got a 100% which proves that handwork does reap good rewards!  Although it feels like I'm skating on "thin ice" right now and am enduring an enormous amount of stress, in a matter of weeks I will be wishing I was back in school and would give anything for an assignment, so I am looking for the joy in it now.  I always tell myself that I will work on my procrastination and that next year I won't get lax and I will stay dedicated and diligent and a whole list of things that I never end up doing.  I think there will be always be a small part of me that will have that procrastinating bone and desire to get lazy, but I hope that over time I do get the strength to withstand it longer.  But honestly, if I let myself think about it for a moment, living life completely responsible and never procrastinating, always having things done on time it would be boring!  I mean a little stress isn't so bad, especially after you have learned how to manage it.  Now I am in now way a stress-seeking junkie but realistically speaking I will never reach a point where I do away with my procrastinating ways altogether, and that's okay.  But for right now, while I still have room to grow, I will make goals and plans, and continue to do my best and hopefully the results I get aren't too far from the ones I was hoping for.
                                                                                                                     
Since it took me longer to come back and finish this posting than I had expected, I decided to go ahead and tell you the end results of my semester:
Human Growth and Development: B
Anatomy and Physiology lecture: A
Anatomy and Physiology lab: B
Probability and Statistics: A
Microbiology lecture: A
Microbiology lab: A
GPA: 3.74
So yes, hard work does pay off and though I was just a bit shy of my 4.0 goal, I still did pretty well and put myself that much closer to goal, yay me!!!

Crime and Punishment

Have you ever been in a situation, or witnessed a situation where a person seemed to go overboard with their form of punishment? Maybe you have found yourself in a situation where you felt that you went too far in your repercussions. Whether you were on the giving or receiving end I'm sure we all can identify and admit that it isn't fun; for either person. On the one hand, you want to get your point across and its not your fault that the person you're talking to takes it too personally or can't get a grip on his or her emotions to suck it up and deal with it. After all, if anyone should be upset it should be you right? And then there's the other side where you feel like, you just made a mistake, it wasn't intentional and in your heart of hearts you wish you could take it back, or re-do it, or remember to do it, whatever "it" may be. And you are frustrated! They never get it! They still won't forgive you! They keep begging for forgiveness! You feel like a failure! You feel like the bad guy! In any case, there are two sides. And depending on the side at which you stand, you feel compelled to be validated and be comforted and understood in whatever way you require it. Whether by alone time, or a hug or listening ear or whatever. We all get angry and people will disappoint us, even the ones we love. No, ESPECIALLY the ones we love! And we all have different ways of handling it. Personally I hate the receiving end of confrontation. I am not a confrontational person and find it difficult to express the way I feel to others, more importantly to those I am close to. I don't like to disappoint the ones I love and especially find no joy in being mad at by them. I try and avoid confrontational situations as best I can but obviously they are unavoidable. The best thing to do then is to learn how to deal with them when they come. I have been shown countless ways to handle conflict as have you I assume. Some people deal with them by lashing out at the other person rather than looking to see if there may be some truth to what the person is saying. Contrarily, some can always assume responsibility for a wrong regardless or not if they are at fault, which is what I have the tendency to do at times. It may have come from the way I was raised with such high expectations, having to constantly feel as though I had to be a certain way and most often falling short. I got used to thinking I was inadequate and eventually found comfort in it all being my fault because it gave me a sense of power to fix it. It some weird way, it made sense to me; if its my fault then I have control over making it right and I really didn't trust others to right their wrongs, in the event they admitted to any, because I had been so used to those around me not doing so. I learned that leaving reconciliation in their hands would leave me empty handed and I hated the anxiety and insecurities that came along with not knowing how someone would react to a mistake I had made. If they would be angry, or not care at all. Would they punish me and if so in what ways? By withholding love and affection, strong disapproval, verbally destroying my confidence and self worth? Rarely ever did I receive the grace I needed at times and understanding to know that it's okay to make mistakes. Instead, I was conditioned to fear imperfection and in turn became my own worst critic. I know now, that mistakes are okay to make and that they will happen from time to time with or without my intention to prevent them and that it doesn't make me a bad person because of it. Still though, I have those times where I am feeling overwhelmed and need to take a step back and evaluated the truths that I know: I am not a mistake, I am worthy of love and affection, my mistake doesn't define me, and sometimes I'll get it right. Sometimes it even takes me a couple tries at reassuring myself of these things and I always go to God in prayer and give him my thoughts and worries. It took me until recently to understand that prayer is in fact my best weapon against my struggles instead of just my only option. Many times I found myself thinking, when I had no control over a situation, "Ugh! X,y, and z is going on and all I can do is pray about it!" as if it rendered me helpless that prayer was all I could do. But now I know that in those situations that is all I need. Honestly anything else I could think of that I would rather have at the time, such as understanding from the angered person, or more grace, still would not compare to what would happen when the Lord takes over the situation. The trust issues I had with others to admit to faults and be gracious to mine, I no longer  had to rest in them, but I could take it to my Father and know that he will deliver. And sometimes its not in the way I expect-  him revealing to them their wrongs, but in me knowing how to have peace and joy even if they do not. I don't know, maybe that is God's goal, to get us to a place where we are more dependent on him than others and their responses to us. In fact I am becoming more sure of it as I think on this that the bigger picture here is about establishing and strengthening a relationship with him, after all he made the greatest sacrifice by taking on the harshest punishment for uncommitted crimes and if anyone can teach us how to deal with injustice and hurt feelings, and can relate to us and comfort us, is Him. Through him we already have access to grace, mercy, and understanding with or without the approval of man. 
     So this is my prayer: That I may learn to run to the shadow of God's wings in refuge and not man's and that I give grace and mercy when needed and have the love of Christ in me to give to others as it is given to me. That the joy of the Lord be my strength when I have none, and to have his peace surpassing all understanding when I fall short. I lift up my loved ones and enemies alike and ask God to search my heart for any and all truths that may come from them and surrender myself to his ways for me and that his will may be done in my life.  
Amen!

Reflections and Revisions... 2011

This year came and went by so fast! Well not too fast... Looking back over it I have accomplished it quite a few things such as:
*losing 20 lbs
*maintaining good standing in school
*started a blog
*created and maintained a closer relationship with my husband
*kept up the house more often
And now I have started thinking about the goals I wanted to set for this upcoming year. Not to be confused with the corny and rarely accomplished new year's resolution. But some of the things I wish to accomplish before I turn 21 are:
*reach my goal weight of 125-130 lbs
*find and maintain a hobby
*continue research on my photography dreams
*get a 3.5 or above cumulative gpa
*get into nursing school
*have/keep money in our savings
*read more books
*blog more consistently
*travel
*learn new things
*make new friends/ maintain old ones


These are just a few things I plan to accomplish, I'll update my list as I come up with more. Overall, I am excited for this upcoming year and all that it has to offer and hopefully, a year from now, I can look back on this list and find that I had accomplished many if not all that I had set out to.  After all, what better day than today to start to make a change? (that was a bit corny, but I'll leave it...)