My Sister's Keeper

I am not even sure where to start with this one… just because there is so much that is and has been on my heart to write about. I had been avoiding this post because I was warring in my mind, going over all the reasons why I shouldn't- is it relevant?, who even cares/reads?, I can't even focus on a general issue… and so on. But no matter what, here and there it just kept popping up, and kept pressing on my heart so I decided that I would set time out and just do it. It doesn't have to be perfect, I just have to get it out…

Women. There is so much STUFF surrounding women: standards of beauty, feminism vs. co-dependence, black vs. white, American vs. non-American, women in the media and being portrayed as sexual objects and symbols, women in society and equality, women's culture and how we treat other women… I could go on and on, but I think you know what I am getting at. This is a multi-factorial issue. But I wholeheartedly believe that the underlying answer lies simply with US. We can change all of that. All. of. it. How we do it however, is the real question. It most definitely won't happen over night, but the problem did not start overnight. It will take decades over many generations, but we have to start somewhere. We must stop looking at any one of the multiple issues as something that doesn't involve us, so it must not effect us- IT DOES! You have everything to do with human sex trafficking overseas, and even right here in your own backyard. You have everything to do with the unrealistic measures of what is considered "beautiful", and you have everything to do with the sad truth that women as a whole are suffering in silence, left open, un-protected, un-supported, and un-cared for day after day. It is a mindset, a culture, an epidemic that has spread much too far and far too long. The tendency to hate someone we do not know because we see her strengths and beauty and instead of celebrating her for it, we feel inferior and small and project it outwardly. The ability to walk past or not even that, to sit and watch young women fight for life, education, justice, equality and be silent. We are more likely to speak up for ourselves or someone that we know but look at a stranger as if they somehow are different. As if they somehow are beyond caring for, fighting for… The first time I had the idea to write this post, I had imagined what the world would be like if women everywhere shared the same mindset; that no matter where or who you are, YOU MATTER. Because if we truly thought that, it wouldn't be so easy to dismiss ourselves and think, "what good can I do?' If we honestly believed that, it would offend us to see another woman being devalued and degraded. It wouldn't take a second argument to convince us why we should support women overseas, women in our cities, and women in our homes. We raise our daughters to be anything they want to be, but show them that it is done alone. We show them that we must be an island, and we pass on our single-minded visions and narrowed focus. We are un-intentionally being taught to think of others, especially other women as competition, and enemies and even our friends to an extent are just means to an end. If relationships don't benefit us in some way, shape, or form then it doesn't exist. Where are the older women to guide the younger? Teaching us how to be loving, whole, and caring wives/mothers? And for the few that do, how many younger women actually listen, value, and seek the wisdom? Where is the loyalty in younger women to those who have come before us? They paved the way, each surviving their own personal tragedies and struggles- and what do they have to look forward to? What would you say if I told you that everything you are working for, fighting for, and sacrificing for will be forgotten and un-noticed by the time you die? This life is temporary yes, but ladies we have a PURPOSE! Why are we so full of ourselves, our lives, our needs? Were we not created to be a help? Certainly to be more than this. Instead we have been "helping" ourselves to whatever claim we have put a stake in at the moment but never really achieving true success. Our relationships are superficial, and our ideals shallow. We can't just shout out once or twice, here and there and expect to be heard. Before anyone else will take us seriously, it starts with us. You and me. We have to take a stance, to be our Sister's Keeper. No one can do it all, but we all can do it together. 

So this is my plan. I live a busy life: I work full time, go to school full time, I am a wife and have a life just like everyone else. But I will make the time to meet once a month with who ever is willing, and just start small. We can just hang out, have a potluck, have girl talk, read books, do bible studies, prayer circles, whatever we need to just build a community of support for one another. Getting out of our comfort zones, out of our own boxes and lifting our heads to look into into the eyes of someone else. Taking our minds off our own issues and concerns a praying for someone else. No longer feeling as though we have to grin and bear it alone and depending on someone else, to support us, celebrate us, hold us accountable, and challenge us. I'm not quite sure what will come of this, but at the very least I pray that one by one, little by little we form the habits, that change the mindset, giving way to the understanding that we matter and the confidence to know that you can make a difference. 

Letter to My Mother

Dear Mama, 
I was thinking of what to give you on Mother's day. I wanted to get something that you would appreciate, something that would express all of the things that I hadn't been able to say, and encompass everything that you mean to me. Well as you can see, I am still looking! There just doesn't seem to be anything that fits quite right; nothing that is good enough.  All while I was searching I kept thinking of things you've done for us and all the ways you have loved us making it harder and harder to thank you for it. And then it hit me! A letter. A simple letter from me to you, to give you what I think you deserve the most.  A list of all the things I am grateful for, and all the things you have done RIGHT.  We often focus on the negative and only talk about shortcomings while we overlook the very things that make the biggest difference. I could never write it all, remember it all but I hope what I do recall is enough to have you know just how appreciated, essential, and loved you are…

You never spoke negatively about our father's.  And even though we didn't have many positive male ideals, we also didn't have any negative ones.  I can say that every man who has my respect has earned it and truly deserves it. When my father came into my life, he had a blank slate & I hadn't realized until later how that was due to you. Not many people cannot say the same.  You may have had your issues with him, and your thoughts about him but that's exactly what they were- YOURS. I was free from bitterness, and hatred to form my own opinions, and he was free to make his own impressions and mistakes. 
You showed us how to treat people.  I can be compassionate to others and am accepting of other people who aren't like me.  I still remember Ms. Cat coming over to our apartment on O'bear just to get some peace and you had gospel music playing, and she would just sit on our floor & cry.  And you just let her. She said she felt such peach coming to our house, and you never judged her or shamed her and always kept an open door.  You taught me that not everyone will have my issues or share my beliefs or talents or privileges, but that I should still treat everyone with compassion and respect.
You never let your disability make you handicapped.  Watching you pursue your education at all costs, seeing you rise after every downfall, and knowing that you worked hard to make a better life for us may have been the best thing you have ever done for me. You. Never. Made. Excuses. Not even one. Even when you could have. Even though you had reason to lie down and give up. Even when you could have let the world feel sorry for you and support you with substandard living and existence you refused to accept it. I don't view it as pride, I honor your dignity. And because of your example I don't expect the world to hand me anything. I am fully equipped to earn my keep and make my own way.  Also knowing what it's like to live disadvantaged compels me to be a help to others who are in need. 
You taught us to be ladies.  I still stoop down to get things instead of bending over (most times). I cross my legs at my ankles when I'm wearing a skirt or dress. I still wear and tuck in my under-shirts to make sure my undies don't show above my pants. I wear shirts long enough to cover my butt, and I don't let my crack hang out. I cover my cleavage, and I take proper care of my body. I don't speak loudly (most times) or "cackle like a hen" as you say. I don't "flop" on furniture and I know when and how to be professional.  
You made sure we had a good education. You were talked about for sending us an hour away for school but you didn't let that stop you from ensuring we had a better education.  Not only that, you didn't hesitate to move us if you felt we weren't being treated or taught properly.  You were involved, and even though you didn't make every field trip, every room party, every parent teacher conference, you made it to some. You always asked how our days were, & always walked/drove us to the bus stop- even in high school.  You made sure we completed our homework and sought help for us when even you didn't understand. You held us to our best and accepted nothing less. I still remember the day you spent at school with me in fifth grade for our Revolution day, and you always packed the best lunches for our field trips -we had enough to share with kids who didn't have food.
You defended us.  Whether it was a fly, a friend, or a foe- you never let anyone or thing hurt us and get away with it! That showed me that I am worth fighting for. 
You said, "I am sorry".  You have your faults, but you have never shied away from admitting them.  I never felt that, you are big and I am small, and when it came to other adults, I never felt inferior to them. Though you taught us to respect our elders, you also taught us to respect ourselves and to know when someone has wronged us.  
You taught us our value.  You spoke life to us and called us according to scripture. You made sure we knew who we are and whose we are, not to feel entitled but to know that we matter. You often said to us, "You are the head and not the tail, above and not beneath, leaders and not followers, disciplined and chaste women of God, more than conquerors, the righteousness of Christ, and able to do all things through Him who is our strength".
You prayed for us. I would HATE getting up early to pray and worship and would hear you late into the night/early into the morning at times, praying for us and over us and in my youth I was annoyed but now I thank you for it! Even still, you pray for us which means so much to me when I feel alone and often wonder who is there for me, who is praying on my behalf, I can always be sure that you are. 
You taught us how to live.  Cooking, budgeting, homemaking, sewing, cleaning, bargain shopping- you name it, you taught us, or found someone who knew how to teach us.  Things that may seem small or insignificant but really shaped who I am. I have no issues buying gently used clothing, or things that are new but damaged, taking it home and sewing a button on it, or stitching it up. I know what healthy and well balanced meal are and how to make them, and how to shop for them. I value cleanliness and don't live in filth. I clip coupons and watch for sales and can postpone gratification when I know I can't afford something. 
You showed us how to dream. Even when we lived in dangerous, poverty stricken neighborhoods, you made a point to tell us that we wouldn't always. You submerged us in positive environments and showed us a better way. You encouraged our dreams and aspirations, and I honestly don't believe there was ever a time where I felt that I couldn't achieve something. You taught us to strive to be our best, not just the best.
You chose us.  I couldn't count the number of times you've sacrificed for us if I tried, and because of you, I know what sacrificial love looks like.  We didn't know how little of your needs were being met, or just how much you really went without. You always put us first. You made sure we had what we needed even when you didn't.  Something I never wondered about until I was an adult was what you did during the times you were unemployed, and we were at school.  We couldn't afford cable, didn't always have a car or gas to put in it, and had to make our food stretch the whole month.  But every morning we had breakfast and every night we came home to dinner. You checked our homework, listened to our day, we spent time as a family, and you prayed with us before bed.  But now I wonder if you ate while we were at school- if we had enough food for you to even have some lunch. I wonder if you were bored of sitting in the house, with no means to get away. I wonder how you dealt with all the phone calls from collection agents who were mean and unforgiving and not understanding of the fact that you had no means to pay.  I wonder how many days you cried because you were sad and frustrated with life, or how many days you prayed for relief with no end. The fact that I have never had to think about this until I was in my 20's and experiencing my own hardships that I truly realize how strong you were for us, and also how fragile. There are times where I am thankful that I don't have children yet to care for especially when I have yet to make a way for myself- but you did. And you did it WELL!
You told us we are beautiful. I have never really struggled much with self esteem, more so now than growing up, but I always remember you telling us how beautiful we were. I don't feel as though I have to wear makeup or expensive clothes or have lighter skin or different hair or change myself in any way to fit a certain standard of beauty. Because of you I know that I am enough, just the way I am. 
You provided a safe place for us. No matter where we lived, how much we had home was always home. When I stepped inside the four walls of wherever we lived at the time, I knew I was safe and had peace. There was no chaos. You also fought to maintain that peace, being mindful of the influences coming in or out and because of that I value the atmosphere of my home and I seek peace and freedom and comfort.
You failed. As much as you tried, you still failed at things, and you never tried to pretend to have it all together. I know its okay to make mistakes, to not always get it right. I don't feel as though I have to be perfect, and I can learn from my mistakes and not let them define or debilitate me. I still have my pity parties from time to time, but I also know that when I am done crying I still have to decide whether I am moving forward or standing still. Because of you, I'm yet moving forward...
You protected us. You gave us boundaries. Though they may have been over limiting sometimes, they were needed. You cared enough to censor our lives and protect our hearts. We couldn't watch everything on television and go over just any one's house, or call everybody friend. You were involved with our lives in every aspect and you carefully shepherded our lives and to this day I am still sensitive to certain people/places/things. I don't feel comfortable doing just anything or surrounding myself around every influence. I know how to guard my own heart and understand the importance of guarding the hearts of my future children as well. 
You made sure we spent time as a family. I have so many happy memories of us at home, together as a family and I think those memories are what give me the most joy and the most hope to look forward to making memories with my family. All the times we would sing together in the kitchen while we cooked and cleaned together. All the nights we would watch 7th Heaven or Touched by An Angel and be rushing back from the bathroom with you telling us it was back on from commercial. All the times we laughed at and with each other for various reasons. I remember you coming home from church on Sunday's smelling dinner in the oven or hearing you up early the days before holidays cooking food that would last us a week. I remember waking up at night, hearing you singing in the bathtub. I remember the last time you carried me- I was 9 and I was thinking how I was too big to be carried but I was sick I didn't care, and you didn't drop me. I remember you combing my hair for the week and waking up to my pillowcase saturated with hair grease! I remember the first thing you ever taught me how to cook was scrambled eggs. I remember going to summer camp and coming back to surprise jump ropes and clothes. I remember the first time we spent a long time away from you- the summer we spent in New Jersey, how much I missed you and wanted to come home, and how happy to be home I was! Because of you I value family time. When I do become some body's mom I have so many things that I want to teach them and do with them that I remember you doing with us.
You taught us responsibility.  Having the freedom to do something but the wisdom to know when you shouldn't. Whether it be my time, my energy, my finances, my things or myself I know when I am being responsible and when I am not. You taught us the importance of stewarding our lives and at times when I am overwhelmed or whatever, I can always effectively evaluate my actions and see where I have lacked responsibility- I over spent, I over committed myself, I am over working, I am not spending enough time with God or whatever it is, I am equipped to take responsibility for my life and choices.  
You taught us not to settle. You knew what our best was and you made us rise to it. You didn't accept anything less than our best behavior, efforts, and character. You would make us re-write sloppy homework, read during the summer, apologize when we'd hurt others, and most of all showed us we are capable of achieving anything we set our  minds to.
You said, " I don't know".  You never pretended to have all the answers. You admitted when you didn't know something or when you weren't sure how situations would work out. You weren't afraid to ask someone else to help us with homework or talk to us about things you couldn't. 
You said, "I forgive you".  I hadn't realized the importance of hearing, "you are forgiven" until later in life, but it is so essential. We don't always get apologies, and more rarely are offered forgiveness, but because of you, I am intentional about not only forgiving others, but letting them know they are forgiven; relieving the burden of guilt and shame, all because I remember what it feel like to be forgiven and loved.   
You admired others.  I don't know why most people don't do it, nor did it cross my mind that it may not be so normal until I lived on my own. If you saw a beautiful woman, you told her- "Excuse me ma'am, I just wanted to tell you, you are GORGEOUS!" If you liked some one's shoes/purse/dress whatever, you said so. And you taught us to say so as well and so now its normal for me to stop someone just to say- I noticed you, and I admire you. You were also able to see and appreciate the strengths of others and would often challenge us/yourself to follow the example- if they had a positive attitude, if they were kind, if they were highly educated… you showed us how to admire the qualities of others without having to feel inferior. If you ever felt insecure I honestly couldn't tell. 

This is by no means an all inclusive list, but I hope with this you are able to see you through my eyes and have to confidence to know that though you could only do your best, your best was ENOUGH. You are enough. What is not enough are words to express my appreciation, admiration, love, and respect for you and all you are. 
Gracias. Merci. Danke. Asante. Obrigado. Tack. ju Falenderoj. Hvala. Dankjewel.
Spanish, French, German, Swahili, Portuguese, Swedish, Albanian, Bosnian, Dutch… no matter the language my gratitude remains the same, 
Thank you,
Nique <3

White Privilege and Responsibility

To all my white friends and acquaintances who think my intelligence, education, and personal ambition makes me easily relatable, more like you and what you can understand, and therefore assume we share the same "reasonable" opinion about this (Michael Brown) and other situations like this:
   
     You expect me to respond in a way that validates your misguided perception that I somehow am different because I share your zip-code or sit next to you in class or am able to have a conversation with you that shows my cross-cultural interests; that I am an anomaly, the exception to the rule, the outlier- all because I am able to see and understand the world outside of myself. So let me tell you then, quite candidly just what I really see…

     Many of you are blinded to the realities of the black community and choose either to stand idle with ducked heads and forlorn stricken faces or just flat our deny the existence of our issues and needs having declared them un-founded. Few actually attempt to delve in and understand not only the struggles we face, but the roots behind them. I hold you equally accountable for the rehabilitation and restructuring of our society as a whole. The slavery of African Americans and the slave mentality was deliberately and strategically constructed by your ancestors. So the thought that any suggestions or implementations of reform would be successful without your acknowledgement and efforts is laughable! But your ignorance is no longer excused. It is through unfortunate events such as these that I  become more aware of and disheartened by the deficit of the education, responsibility, and empathy from the white community concerning the affairs of the black community. You stand on your pedestals in the safety of your homes and point fingers, judge, and make assumptions based off of little to no facts. You raise your apathetic, compassionless children to perpetuate stereotypes while they themselves bear witness to the differences society places on white children vs. black and instead of encouraging them to embrace the spirit of competition and use it to better themselves, they take after the inferiorties of their parents and grow to hate what they do not understand. Do you realize that the slavery of African Americans unlike any other forms of slavery, was specifically tailored to demolish the whole person and dominate an entire race of peoples? Our ancestors were not just forced laborers who were beaten and kidnapped from their homes. Wille Lynch and men like him wanted to ensure the lasting success of slavery and the slave mentality and they were vehement about the construction and implementation of their system. How much more then should you be for the cause of its ruin? The Willie Lynch Letter is specific and unapologetic in its approach regarding:

"The origin & Development of a Social Being Called 'the Negro"
     "First of all, we need a black nigger man, a pregnant nigger woman and her baby nigger boy. Second, we will use the same basic principle that we use in breaking a horse, combined with some more sustaining factors. What we do with horses is that we break them from one form of life to another"… "we reduce them from their natural state in nature. Whereas nature provides them with the natural capacity to take care of their offspring, we break the natural string of independence from them and thereby create a dependency status, so that we may be able to get from them, the useful production for our business and pleasure. 

"Cardinal Principles for Making a Negro"
     "…so that to avoid turmoil in the economy, it requires us to have breadth and depth in long range comprehensive planning, articulating both skill sharp perceptions…"
"Hence both the horse and the nigger must be broken… Keep the body, take the mind! In other words, break the will to resist…"
     "A brief discourse in offspring development will shed light on the key to sound economic principals. Pay little attention to the generation of original breaking, but concentrate on future generation. Therefore, if you break the female mother, she will break the offspring in its early years of development, and when the offspring is old enough to work, she will deliver it up to you, for her normal female protective tendencies will have been lost in the original breaking process…"
     "...When it comes to breaking the uncivilized nigger, use the same process, but vary the degree and step up the pressure, so as to do a complete reversal of the mind. Take the meanest and most restless nigger, strip him of his clothes in front of the remaining male niggers, the female, and the nigger infant, tar and feather him, tie each leg to a different horse faced in opposite directions, set him afire and beat both horses to pull him apart in front of the remaining niggers…"

"The Breaking Process of the African Woman"
     "Test her in every way, because she is the most important factor for good economics… take care not to kill her, for in doing so, you spoil good economics…
"We have reversed the relationship, in her natural uncivilized state, she would have a strong dependency on the uncivilized nigger male, and she would have a limited protective tendency toward her independent male offspring and would raise male offsprings to be dependent like her… By her being left alone, unprotected, with the male image destroyed, the ordeal caused her to move from her psychologically dependent state to a frozen, independent state… she will raise her male and female offspring in reversed roles. For fear of the young male's life, she will psychologically train him to be mentally weak and dependent, but physically strong. Because she has become psychologically independent, she will train her female offspring to be psychologically independent. What have  you got? You've got the nigger woman out front and the man behind scared… Now we can sleep soundly, for out of fear his woman stands guard for us.
     "...we have created and orbiting cycle that turns on its own axis forever, unless a phenomenon occurs and re-shifts the position of the male and female slaves…"

"Negro Marriage"
 "…then take the nigger male away from them and keep them moving and working…"

"Warning:"
"…we talked about the non-economic good of the horse and the nigger in their wild or natural state…we talked about paying particular attention to the female savage and her offspring for orderly future planning…by reversing the positions of the male and female savages, we created an orbiting cycle that turns on its own axis forever unless a phenomenon occurred and re-shifts positions of the male and female savages. Our experts warned us about the possibility of this phenomenon occurring, for they say that the mind has a strong drive to correct and re-correct itself over a period of time if it can touch some substantial original historical base… they advised us that the best way to deal with the phenomenon is the shave off the brute's mental history and create a multiplicity of phenomena of illusions… each illusion will twirl on its own orbit… similar to floating balls in a vacuum…"

How can you not see the parallels in the modern day black communities and its roots strategically planned out in this letter, and not feel empathy, shame, and anger? Not because we are black, but because we are human. I am a person first, and I should not have to prove my value, intelligence, or right to life in light of my color. When will the burden of slavery be shared among both communities? The education of its origin and history thoroughly exposed and acknowledged? Black history is American history and we have to graduate from the brief focus on African American contributions and positive influences alone and come to terms with it all, the iniquitous included. We learn in depth about many other cultures in school from the irrigation systems of the mesopotamians and the architecture of the aztecs and that is all well and good; but tell me, when was the last time you ran across an Incan, or had coffee with a Mayan? We are failing. This system, was created to last indefinitely, but it is not indestructible. You cannot read this and not hear the deliberation and philosophy in their methods, and not realize that it requires more than just an evaluation of symptoms and the politically correct but nonetheless inadequate band-aids now in place. And they knew that. As long your heads remain buried in the sandlots, shoulders remain shrugged, and heads remain shaking then your mouth should remain closed. If you do not contribute to the solution you are contributing to the problem and your opinion, in my opinion is insignificant. In case you need a better picture of the lasting incapacitating consequences of white american ancestral mistakes, here is one befitting this holiday season: Thanksgiving. The first Thanksgiving, as we learn about, is proudly boasted to display the spirit of thanks and gratitude and how english settlers came to make peace with and learn from Native Americans. The Native Americans taught them how to harvest and traded their weaponry and provided invaluable insight on the land of which was eventually taken from them. After getting what use they could out of them the English took to "Indian Removal" and slaughtering of their villages. Nearly the entire population of Cherokee's was diminished during the Trail of Tears; a genocide of Native Americans, all for the expansion and advancement of the english, the very land we walk upon now. This country was built by and sustained by the blood, sweat, tears, bones, and bodies of the oppressed. We aren't asking you to apologize. We are outraged and angry at the lack of acknowledgment of these facts and the audacity to deny us our right to grieve. How can you not see the injustice? More importantly, how can you not see the opportunity? 

Mirror Mirror

"Magic Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" 
I used to think it would be pretty neat to have a magical mirror to talk to me, and to tell me that I was indeed the fairest of all; the prettiest, smartest, kindest, the best! I didn't really start to struggle with my self image until I was older. In fact if you were to ask any of my family members, growing up I was constantly in the mirror. I probably heard the phrase, "get out the mirror" no less than five or ten times on any given day. I had no reason to feel shame or self conscious. You could say that at the time I was pretty much only self-aware. The qualities and attributes of others didn't register to me, so I never had to feel inferior. All I saw was myself just as I was not, in light of any one else. I wish I could say that it has remained true into my adult life but it hasn't. Like so many others I fall into the vicious habit of comparison. She has better hair, she's smaller, more athletic, she seems more established, more confident, has more friends, seems more happy, struggles less, prays more the list doesn't end… The mirror was no longer a place I could spend hours playing and imagining and acknowledging myself. Instead of admiration and accolades it reflects insecurities and amplifies criticism.  I am constantly aware of my shortcomings.  Comparing myself to people who look to have it all together as a blueprint of some sort, as if they are the "standard" of a good christian, a great wife, a perfect woman. I couldn't feel comfortable in my own skin. I looked for acceptance and approval, something to say "you are enough". At some point, I became more and more preoccupied with how other people saw me instead of how I saw myself. To them, am I above average? Do I meet their expectations? Do they take me seriously, value and respect me? Do they like me? Appreciate my time and work? Do they view me as equal? And if so, then what? What was I looking for? What was I expecting?  The approval felt good only for so long. Until... I could never find security in myself because the closer it seemed I got, there was always someone else the raise the "standard".   And so it went for weeks, months, and then years. In one variation or another I could always find someway to feel dissatisfied within, in light of someone else. If you had asked me, I would say I had a healthy dose of self esteem -after all I didn't hate myself. But overtime I no longer found any opportunities to accept myself. Eventually, I got tired of feeling so dissatisfied and feeling inferior to other people and I didn't want to resort to finding negative things to make me think better of me. I felt I should be able to appreciate the good in others without it taking away what I have to offer. I no longer wanted to depend on the approval of others to give me security and value. I wanted to be able to look at myself in the mirror and like what I see, not because someone else does but because I genuinely see someone beautiful. More than just what I wear or what I do, but who I am inside and out. Am I approachable? Am I honest? Kind? Do I keep my word? Would I offer the shirt off my back to someone who needed it? The fact that I couldn't answer yes to all of those questions and knowing my primary focus for so long wasn't where it should have been I started to pray.  I acknowledged my mistake and was honest about my struggle, but I didn't know where to go from there. So I continued to pray and be transparent with God about where I was and where I wanted to be, and I trusted him to guide me from there. Today I came across this scripture, (1 Peter 2:4; 9-10) "Coming to Him, a living stone rejected by men but chosen and valuable to God - you yourselves, as living stones, are being built into a spiritual house for a holy priesthood to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ… But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his possession so that you may proclaim the praises of the One who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light".  The first thing that says to me is a reminder that I am here not as a representative of myself but to Christ. Everything I am- should be, for His glory. I cannot seek to both honor God and me. Not to say that I should not have confidence and feel valued but, I felt convicted in putting everyone else's opinions and approval over my creators. And I felt equally guilty for expecting to find peace in it. My priorities and focus needed to be shifted away from worldly standards and even my own back to Jesus. He is the only standard and I am equipped with the best blueprint in His word. The second thing this scripture says to me is, "I know EXACTLY who you are." Pretty much the entirety of my day was spent wrapping my head around the fact that He knows me. And this isn't a new concept to me, I have heard it numerous times but today I really understood. He knows me. He knows my shortcomings and my fears and my sin and all my ugliness and my heart and its desires and he finds me worthy. And not only am I worthy, and enough- he chose me; he wants me. "Rejected by man, but chosen by God"; why would I want acceptance from man when I am known and loved by God? Read this as a lesson in progress. I am not there yet. Maybe its a continual thing, understanding and accepting my place in Christ. I know I don't want to wait until my life is halfway over to realize I am worthy or to only find my value in my accomplishments, economical status or number or people surrounding me singing my praises. In fact it is the opposite I have in store living a christian life, (21-25) "This is the kind of life you've been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered everything that came his way so you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it. He never did anything wrong… He suffered in silence… He used his servant body to carry our sins to the Cross so we could we be rid of sin, free to live the right way… You were lost sheep with no idea who you were or where you where going. Now you're named and kept for good by the Shepard of your souls." Instead of looking for peace in fitting the standards of others I can find peace without it. I may struggle still from time to time, but find hope in knowing that the Shepard of my soul knows my name.

Time Out

Growing up in a house of only women, the phrase "me time" was often enough used or illustrated in one way or another.  Even before I knew the meaning of the concept,  I was aware of the need to just take time out for myself. Whether it was getting lost in a book or an afternoon nap, I came to appreciate and enjoy the time I spent on my own.  My mother's favorite way to take time for herself would be to take long hot baths after my sister and I had gone to bed. She would sit and relax for hours in steaming waters by candlelight and listen to music or a sermon series and just unwind. No matter the activity, there is something healing and essential in taking time out for yourself to nourish, replenish, improve, and relax. 
I went a long while without these time outs and I started to suffer the effects way before I even realized it. I got caught up with work and worry and consumed with what was to come and needed to be done. I rarely took the time to replenish and acknowledge myself.  I had in my mind who I wanted to be and what I wanted to accomplish but it was all future tense; "someday I'll be that girl". I didn't know that in continually failing to stop and make myself a priority I was diminishing my confidence, self esteem and warping my self image. I was either looking ahead or behind at what I was or wanted to be but never once appreciating the now. It wasn't until recently, not even 24 hours ago, that I had come to understand the importance for taking time for myself. 
I started doing yoga off and on about at year ago and within the past few months I had decided it was something I actually wanted to work on and and become skilled in.  I came to understand the benefits both physically and mentally and outside of work I was looking for something else to be dedicated to. For the first time in a long time I had a goal. Even still, with my work schedule my yoga practice was still sporadic. I would make a class maybe once every two weeks but when I went I enjoyed it. I knew that I had a ways to go as far as building strength and balance and every class felt like the first where I wasn't sure of myself and doubted my abilities and progress. Nonetheless I kept at it, one day I would get there. Last night, I challenged myself to try something different. I had been hearing of these hot yoga classes and how good they were for you to flush out toxins and deepen your stretches and add an extra challenge to your practice and I had been meaning to try it.  I found a place near my house offering a class after work and I decided to go. I almost chickened out after a few failed attempts at trying to get someone to tag along- but on I went, nerves and all.  I was greeted by a really nice lady who went over what to sort of expect from the class, got a quick tour and was told above all to "keep and open mind".  I went into the darkened studio, and found a spot near what I thought was the back of the room, to keep from being a distraction in case I sucked.  The class started and during the first few minutes I was intensely aware of myself and the overwhelming thought that others were as well.  We were facing a mirrored wall and I kept looking around me, thinking everyone else was looking at me.
The instructor guided us through our warm up using poses and commands I had heard before, "honor your body", "relax your mind", "breathe", "respect your practice", "take what you need".  I had never really succeeded in doing those things, always being concerned with how I looked and if I was performing the right way compared to someone else, totally missing the point of the exercise. I was uncomfortable and moved with caution and unease. "Use the mirror to focus yourself, this is your practice". I wanted to be good at this; I knew I could be.  I decided to make the most of my time there and to be present in that moment.  I focused my breathing and blocked out everything else. I took my eyes off of the people beside me and stared straight ahead into the dark brown eyes in front of me. I followed the instructors directions into the next flow of poses as I watched, and I forgot to be afraid.  I was mesmerized by her. She had more strength and confidence than I had realized and she smiled at my acknowledgement.  I had literally found myself during this experience and with a newfound respect at that. This person staring back at me, in all her beauty and strength and sureness was not at all the person whom I had known before, who I had been thinking I was all this time working towards the strength she already seemed to possess.  I became aware of the qualities I had been striving for having already been developed in her but just overlooked.  The areas where I doubted and limited and held myself back, she seemed to be eager and open and competent. Where I had been neglectful and critical of her she had been waiting on her time to be noticed and to flourish. She was just as admirable as any other if not more, that I had been looking to as a guide to how and I wanted to be. I found that she is fully capable of withstanding the challenges before her if given the opportunity. I came to know myself, not in light of how other people saw me or how I wanted to be seen but who I actually am.  In taking time out for me, I was able to see where I have grown and changed and where I can improve. I have a new respect for myself and I am grateful to have had the experiences in which I have come to be. 

The Golden Rule

"Do to others as you would want them to do to you", we are all taught this classic proverb as children as a basic how-to on how to treat others. We try to avoid children from saying things or behaving in manners that are un-kind or selfish by challenging them to think about how they would feel if the same action was done to them and it works; most of the time.  Until you reach the age where you find that life isn't a fair give-and-take system and you don't always get back what you dish out whether good or bad. And sometimes, what you want or how you are seems more important than the consequences, especially when not on the receiving end.  My mother would often tell me when I was younger that to have a friend, you must first show yourself friendly.  Seemed simple enough.  If you want to have friends and be invited to parties and sleepovers and have BFF's, you had to show that you were kind and interested and then people would be your friend. What she didn't say, was that sometimes that's not enough. That some people just aren't  meant to be your friend and that in some instances, you are better off.
I think society has done a pretty sucky job in terms of painting a picture of female relationships. Solely based off of what is portrayed to us off of television shows and movies we are taught to think that we are going to have 3-5 BEST friends throughout our lives for us to cry over crushes with, share a great pair of jeans that miraculously fit us all, travel across the country with while discovering ourselves, keep in touch with through college, double date, attend each others weddings, fly across the country to vacation together, have our  kids be best friends, have weekly lunch dates and frequent dinner parties and grow old together like the golden girls.
I have to say that I have been pretty let down in my adult life in terms of friendships.  I don't know if its due to too high of expectations or just the wrong people or maybe a little of both.  But I have been more unsuccessful than not, to have found a friend - ONE single friend that I can be myself with, have intellectual conversations, enjoy spending time together, and mutually support each other consistently. I have come to believe that maybe its just the circle of life. That you meet a person for a time period and have short-lived relationship that slowly tapers off until it is no longer. Wash, rinse, repeat. But somehow I just can't swallow that. Call it the optimist in me that thinks that it is yet possible in the 21st century to have meaningful and long-lasting friendships. But somehow I find myself in the same situation more over where I have a friend that I think values me and our relationship as much as I do, only to be left feeling like it was not the case. I found myself being the only one who seemed to think of them and call "just to say hey!" or was always asking them to try a new activity or being the sole person actively keeping the friendship alive. If I didn't call, we wouldn't talk and after a while I take the hint because after all, if someone was important enough you would respond in kind. Now, I know that people get busy and things happen and people change and thats all fine and acceptable and I am not saying that friends should talk everyday and keep every lunch date and know everything about each other.  But what I am saying, is that it is a two way street which mean both people should be equally active and invested to make it meaningful. You should at the very least, feel like this person values the essence of your being whether in its absence or presence; that you are missed and thought of and important! I never call it a loss until I can clearly determine that this person just doesn't value my friendship for whatever reason, and I choose to no longer hold them accountable for it. Nonetheless it hurts. Its rejection and it sucks. I have yet to find in my 22 years a cure-all for feeling tossed aside, but when I do you'll be the first to know. When I see someone who I consider a friend actively participating in friendships with others when they failed to do so with me, it makes me wonder what was wrong with me?  Was I boring? Annoying? What is it? Because I am doing to others what I would like in return but the golden rule just isn't enough. Even still, it has yet to stop me from being open to others and making new friends because you never know what will come of it. So I keep my smile on, arms open and hopes high. It may be more of the same, or it could very well be the start of  a really great relationship.   

A Beautiful Mind

Working in a hospital affords me a lot of opportunities to meet people from all walks of life, which is one of the aspects I enjoy most about it.  There is something about seeing a mother stare into her newborn baby's eyes or watching a person regain strength after an accident over their hospital stay that provides me with such gratitude and joy to witness. I have experienced many tragedies as well unfortunately as I have watch a patient battling cancer fight to live or comforted the family of a person presumed to be healthy have an unexpected illness and end up on life support. I am quite fond of the elderly and what's most devastating to me are those who develop dementia. Of all the organs of our bodies to disintegrate our minds is one of the worst.  It cannot be replaced.  It holds the very essence of who we are, our personalities, memories, dispositions and intelligence. More often that not I hear family say of a loved one with dementia that the current behavior they display is unlike normal.  A person who was throughout their life kind, gentle, and soft spoken can turn foul-mouthed, combative, and stubborn.  Likewise with the opposite. They may forget things that happened in the past commonly deaths of family or friends. Its not uncommon for them to ask for siblings or parents that have long passed away and it is heart crushing when they are informed to watch them come to that realization, especially a spouse.  A few times I have had patients talk of their deceased spouse with regret and longing wishing they were more loving and forgiving. I always take a moment to reflect on my life and to be thankful for my husband and family and I try as I live to not take as much for granted. When I sit with elderly patients I watch their mannerisms and ask questions and get to know them.  Many of them have such fascinating stories to tell of their lives and I often ask if they remember what they were doing at my age.  I ask how they met their spouses and what they did for a living. If they have lived any place outside of Saint Louis. I can see in the passing on of their stories that those pieces of them live on even after they do. I keep them with me as well as their families. Most of them don't see themselves as whatever age they are, as if old age just snuck up on them. I think of my life and how sometimes it seems I have so much left ahead of me, and then others I am aware of just how short a time it really is. Who will remember me one hundred years after my death? I think of how many generations back I can remember my ancestors and recall facets of their life and its saddening to think that after two or three I may be forgotten; that all the things I am working towards and living through and experiencing will amount to little. Who will remember my name? My love story? My life? Solomon said in Ecclesiastes 1:11 "…nobody remembers what happened yesterday. And the things that will happen tomorrow? Nobody'll remember them either. Dont count on being remembered". It is a sad truth, to think that you may possibly lose yourself at the end of your life, after all you have done and had and that regardless if you remember, no one else will in time after. Except the things which we do for Christ it is all fleeting. Even in all of this, life itself is still such a gift. Whether we are given a bad lot or a more fortunate one, it is a blessing. I am sure those who lose their minds, literally, in the end of life would still chose to live as though it was worth remembering, I would. Chapter 3 verse 13, "I have decided that there's nothing better to do than go ahead and get the most we can out of life. That's it- eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It's God's gift". So we won't be remembered. So our lives may not amount to everything we would like it to. What I take from this and from each person I cross paths with at work, is the most I can achieve, is to honor the now. To use my time and my abilities to serve and engage them, being aware of this other person, this other life and mind and to be present. When I make that connection with another person I become less aware of myself and my world and my circumstances and I am able to see differently if only for a moment. Looking outside myself makes me appreciate what I have and where I am and it challenges me in my work to offer more from myself. The fact the God is mindful of me and of each of us and that he keeps an account of our lives in perfect detail is encouraging and overwhelming- at least for me. Not only does he know, but he cares. He has the most beautiful mind. He gives us our life's tasks and finds joy in our acts of worship. It is because of him that I am significant.